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�what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux

"i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes

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2023-07-05 @ 9:52 p.m.


thank you so much for the notes. i love you so much. i'm sorry i can't even say anything else, i just have no words anymore, for anything.

i was sitting here just having a semi-normal day. i just ate dinner after working a long day and feeling as fine as i could, given the circumstances, and suddenly i just burst into tears.

i've cried nearly every day but today was the first day that my eyes just welled up for a minute and then i swallowed it down and told him, wherever he is, that i love and miss him so much. that was earlier today, late morning, when the pain is usually the worst.

but now, later, i was just sitting here quietly and the sobs burst uncontrollably out of my chest and i wondered why, why now? and i realized it has been exactly one month, almost to the hour, since i was having to say goodbye. today also would have been my grandmother's 100th birthday.

the weight of the loss is just staggering, i truly feel like it's going to crush me. my body is just wracked with physical pain, all day, all the time. i wake up, just floating through my day like a specter until i can go back to sleep. i wake up, praying that i finally woke up this time, praying that i made it back to the correct timeline where none of this happened.

even when it's a beautiful day outside, it feels so dark to me. it feels like there's a dark veil over everything, all the time. like nothing will ever be beautiful again, and i'll never be happy again.

i've never really been happy, there's always been a separation between me and happy my whole life. but after i escaped boy with my little chubby boy, i felt it for the briefest of moments. those few years of freedom with him, when my granny held my hand and cried and told me she was so happy to see me happy, finally, AUTHENTICALLY, for the first time. and then i lost him, and was devastated, but mr. big saved me. he looked so sad and scared and i knew exactly what that felt like so i brought him home, and he loved me, SO much. and so did my granny, and that's all i needed.

but then she was gone, and now so is he, and i am just ... here.

i'm sorry for all of this, i just don't know what to do with it