| profile entries archives refresh |
 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
undertow.
2012-12-15 @ 8:37 p.m.
the depression, it ebbs and flows. i have SO many negative thoughts, literally choking me. sometimes i feel like i'm out, like i can breathe, but i'm dragged back in by the ankles before i can fully catch my breath. the worst symptom is the doubt, the second guessing everything, the assuming the worst when there is no evidence to support it. i would take the near constant exhaustion all the time if i could get rid of the doubt. i start reading into things that have no subtext. i worry about what boy is thinking, what he thinks of me. "he must be so disappointed in me," is what i thought all day. why? i don't know. we were watching an episode of kitchen nightmares this evening where a couple was on the rocks. everyone on the show was talking about how strange and detached the wife was, how she didn't pitch in and pull her weight. i was sitting here thinking, "i bet boy feels that way about me. i bet he hates me too." why? why does my brain do this to me? because you know how i know i'm an asshole? we got angry whoppers for dinner tonight and they put mayo on mine, and he knows i won't eat anything that touched mayonnaise. i opened it up and looked so disappointed, and he opened his up and it had mayo too. after offering to drive back there to get me another one (of course i wouldn't let him), he took mine out of my hand, went into the kitchen and scraped off every bit of mayo he could from the bun, wiped off every trace from the tomato slices, and had each piece of lettuce spread out over a paper towel and wiped them clean, individually. as he was doing it, he yelled to me from the kitchen: "you know i would NEVER do this for anyone else, right? you know that if i didn't like you so much, i'd tell you to suck it up and eat the motherfucking sandwich, right!?" then he held up the dry bun, and finished wiping my last few leaves of lettuce, and i walked in there and gave him a big kiss. my sweetheart. i wish my brain didn't betray me. i know you love me so much. i wish i could stop pulling back, but it's got me, it grabs me, it drags me in, and you know i never learned to swim. |