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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
looking ahead.
2014-09-11 @ 8:36 a.m.
when i first started college, like immediately after high school, i was a computer science major. first programming, then web design, then networking. i was a little bit in everything. my main struggle was math. i just have a really hard time keeping track of numbers, the little symbols, everything being perfectly lined up, figuring out where to plug them in. so naturally, if you have ever written (or even simply seen code, perhaps), you could see why i struggled in comp sci. and now, in my old age (hah), i am able to objectively view my experience as a comp sci major and say that yeah, for my brain, it is a subject that will never come easily to me. like english, writing, grammar ... that stuff i can do in my sleep. give me a book to read or a topic to write about and i will devour them. words are beautiful to me and it's actually difficult to stop myself from reading sometimes. so while the math/logical stuff doesn't come immediately to me, i do enjoy it too. because it taps into my creative side. there's nothing more exciting than putting together some crazy words and symbols and oh! there's a website! or oh! here's a calculator program! that's so cool to me. it's not that i don't like the mathy stuff as much, it's just harder. so also looking objectively at my failed CS experience, i can say that i was absolutely not TRYING back then. i was 18, had this super high maintenance boyfriend (the one who decided that instead of being a fucking grownup man and breaking up with me that he'd just tell me that i was fat, so he didn't love me anymore), and the last thing i wanted to or was willing to do was any kind of homework. so i put in the least amount of effort possible, failed a couple classes spectacularly, blamed it on my lifelong struggle with math, and became an english major. now that i'm older and have kind of figured out what i want from life - like, i know who i am, what i'm about, what i believe in, and what my ultimate goals as a person are - i am revisiting programming and am finding it to be a breeze. i was ranting on and on to boy the other night that i wish that i had just tried a little harder back then, because i would be SOOO far ahead now. my life would be in a completely different place right now. and boy said, well you know what happens whenever we start having THIS conversation. and i laughed, because we always end it, "i'm happy we did what we did or we would have never ended up together." and it's true. i love him in a way i can no longer describe. like, i feel that the universe recognizes our spirit. even if, for some crazy reason, our paths diverge, we are forever linked on some subatomic level. there are just SOME people in your life like that, you know? so anyway. life wouldn't be the same without him, and i will lament all of this "wasted time" that i could have been making a huge salary at some company from time to time. but i'm excited to keep doing what i'm doing, and see where it will take us, together. |