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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
and that was the end of that.
2014-09-25 @ 11:53 a.m.
boy and i had a great talk last night about how i am definitely not having kids. we dropped little A off at practice (i have absolutely zero interest in sports whatsoever. i would honestly have a better time watching someone else put together a puzzle, or paint a room. seriously.), and were complaining about how annoying this is, almost every night of the week. boy works 2 hours away. he wakes up before the sun and drives 2 hours to work, then 2 hours home. gets to be inside the house for about 30 minutes before he has to rush through his shower to get back in the car to drive little A to practice 30 minutes away. then come back home. then he gets to enjoy maybe an hour of being home, then he has to drive back to practice, and back home, and then get directly in bed if he doesn't want to be exhausted the next day. it blows immensely, especially because neither of us are remotely interested in this (it was all his mother), but we have to pretend to be. so when we came back to pick little A up, we're just waiting in the car (practice is over at 8pm but the coaches always go like 15-20 minutes over. definitely don't have anything better that we could be doing besides sitting there waiting. please, continue to go grossly over schedule every time.). he's like, ugh. i do think i want one more kid. just so i can start fresh. and i laughed and said, "sorry, but i don't at all." and he's like, "no??" and i was like, "absolutely not. i've had some time to really think about it (said ironically - what choice did i have?) and it's just not something that i am at all interested in doing." so he was momentarily disappointed, and then added, "well really, it's just that i sometimes think that i want another kid, but ... honestly? a good ... 80% of the time? i'm not into it and just find him really annoying." and i was like yeah man, i'm right there with you, trust me. being a parent is a JOB, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. it is a second job that will dominate your life in every way for at least 15 years, probably more. i asked how much longer we had to do this practice shit and he was like, LOL, for fucking ever. the sport's not over until like february or something. and i was like yeah, see, now can you imagine doing this with another one? and that's without even mentioning all of the other annoying parent shit that you have to do. the same old arguments about showering, and lying, and bedtime, and homework. some people really eat that up. for some people, that is their greatest aspiration in life. i said that to boy, and added, "for some people, they design their entire lives around being a parent. that is their indicator of success as a human. they can't be truly happy or fulfilled unless they have a kid. for me, i honestly believe it would make me less happy. i'm truly just not that person." i don't want to be that woman who was pressured or convinced by everyone else that motherhood is the only thing that makes you matter, and then find that - surprise, surprise, i know myself better than anyone else does, and i am miserable. once you've gone that far, there's no going back. and boy says, "yeah, there's really no way to get out of it once you do it. you never meet anyone who has given up their 2 or 3 year old because they're not into it." exactly. and besides, since i have all of these problems with my uterus, i said, "if it comes to me being able to have a procedure to do something about this pain, or being able to have a kid maybe someday, you fucking bet your ass that i am going to choose my day to day health and well-being over some hypothetical kid that i may or may not some day decide to have. it's really not worth it to me." and he's just like, cool, dude. you're my soulmate so as long as you're okay and happy and alive then i am. and i said, cool. that's why i love you. |