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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
the people we are.
2017-02-21 @ 4:41 p.m.
i'm doing shitty as far as mental health goes ... i started writing this huge entry a couple weeks ago but it was sounding crazy and desperate and i honestly just didn't feel like finishing it. my insurance got cancelled for no reason and i've been off of my medication for like 2 1/2 months now, waiting for them to reinstate me. meanwhile i'm just mowing down everything in my path, making a mess of my life. i talked to best friend a while ago ... i think it was last week. she's miserable in her life. content but miserable. she was always the one with some wild shit going on, sleeping around with everyone, crazy spur of the moment trips, turning everything on its head every few months. now she's trying to do right by her child and provide some stability for once, but you can tell it's killing her. it's just not the person that she is. i think that's the thing that's really getting to me as i get older ... the person that she is. the person that i am. the people we are. we think we change a lot throughout our lives, but there are some things that are just written into our DNA. sometimes it's funny - other times, it's terrifying - when we find our own narratives. i helped AL attend to a personal matter a couple weeks ago at work, and while we were driving he was telling me all of these things about his shitty relationship with his wife. he's super unhappy and all they do is fight, but he stays with her because "that's what you do" in his culture. so today while we were eating lunch, he asked me to do another thing for him and i said sure, especially since it was a thing i could do in like 5 minutes. so i did it, and he was very happy and went along on his way. ER came by a little later and warned me that i needed to be careful with him. doing things for him. i said i haven't done anything for him except drive him somewhere and print out papers. and he said you don't understand. his wife is trying to control him. she's gone to great lengths to do this. when he comes home she takes his phone and goes through it, checks his car to make sure no one else was in it and how many miles he went, has the passwords to all of his facebook and everything. when he came home that day and she saw that he had [done the thing i had helped him with 2 weeks ago], she baked cookies and then went around to the wives of everyone that he works, pretending she just wanted to hang out and have lunch, in order to find out who helped him [do the thing]. luckily she doesn't know about you. and you should keep it that way. i was like wtf? i just printed him out some papers. and he just said, "you'll see, i'm just ... letting you know." and walked out. ugh. i hate to sound like my ridiculously negative, cynical ex-coworker. but unfortunately she's been right many times over on this one: no good deed goes unpunished. |