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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
miserable bitch.
2017-03-01 @ 8:46 p.m.
just had leftover indian for dinner. it was so fucking good. we used to go to the place all the time, like at least 3-4 times a month, but when boy moved i stopped going as much because the indian near him is a lot better. ER asked me to stop at chick fil a on my way in today because he didn't want five guys, which is what i originally thought i was going to get, but i've been trying to eat a little healthier lately (my mental state is like, precarious right now so maybe better nutrition will help) and i was driving by and there it was, its deeply fragrant spicy scent wafting through my open windows. so i said fuck five guys, i gotta have hariyali kebabs. and jesus lord, were they ever tender and absolutely fantastic. my paneer saag was so SPICY and good. and of course i got some gulab jamun. motherfucking gulab jamun. nooommmmmmmmmmm. i'm at a point where things are so shitty that this really good meal totally made my day. and then i realized that that's how i got so fat the first time, because i hated my life so deeply that nothing was really great about my day except food sometimes. i'm definitely medicating with food. i don't know if i wrote about this last time and i just don't really feel like looking right now, but my insurance got randomly cancelled so i'm waiting forever for them to reinstate it so i can go back on medication and see my regular doctor because oh, also? LIKE HALF OF MY FUCKING HAIR FELL OUT. what the actual fuck man! i'm 100% sure that it's a combination of a) my fucked up hormones (pcos and all kinds of bullshit with my uterus), b) this medication i was taking for like 6 months that i didn't take the possible side effect of hair loss seriously, and c) constant, exhausting, every day intense anxiety and stress i've been under the past few months. but anyway, feeling myself off of medication is ... bad. i fully admit that i need the crutch right now. so i'm just waiting and calling and hoping i won't have to wait another month. meanwhile, what am i going to do about my hair. what the fuck, seriously. i either have to shave my head or get some weave. the way it fell out there are no other options. well i could also meg griffin it and just wear hats all the time, too. i'm strongly considering this route because it will be the cheapest, but i'm going to have to get a variety of styles and colors and turbans and shit because they'll need to be appropriate to the outfit i'm wearing. like if i need to look kind of dressy, i'm going to need an option for that. not wearing something over this disaster is absolutely not an option. that's kind of why i'm thinking weave for a few months. the internet tells me it can take 3-6 months to start filling in after it's done falling out. but how fucking long will THAT be? is it still not done? HAVE YOU NOT HAD ENOUGH!? dude i am so upset about this. of all of the horrible shit that's going on in my life right now, why this. like i was like okay, i'm a fucking trainwreck right now but i'm totally working on it and optimistic toward the future. and at least i'm cute and my relationship is great. but then i was like ugh i gained so much weight back and ugh wtf my skin is so gross and wtf now my hair T_T and it's making me so self-conscious, and now i'm so weird around boy because i feel weird about myself, and ugh jesus christ. so anyway, that's what's going on here. everything's fucked up. this was just going to be a little entry about my delicious dinner and highly anticipated gulab jamun (i don't know why you're not doing everything in your power to get some of those in your mouth right now), and how it was a little bright spot in my day, but instead i ended up ranting. haha sorry. i guess i'm still a lot more hateful than i thought. i kind of want to get a tattoo that says "miserable bitch" with a meanie face. |