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�what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux

"i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes

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RIP SL.
2017-04-12 @ 8:10 p.m.


DR, a friend i haven't talked to in years called me today to tell me that our mutual friend SL passed away suddenly last month. she was thinking of the three of us, who were inseparable while we were teaching, and realized that probably no one told me what happened because these two friends were the only ones i really liked and kept in any kind of touch with, and i don't use facebook. the other member of our circle, who i haven't talked to in a few years either, apparently got married to some super controlling dude and now no one ever sees her at all anymore.

SL called me on valentine's day, and i didn't answer because i was driving somewhere with boy and using maps and couldn't answer the phone. after that, i completely forgot to call her back. and now, i can't.

i'm so upset and full of regret that i didn't call her back. i loved her so much. she was just a good, generous, optimistic, sweet, hilarious, kind person who didn't deserve the myriad terrible things that always happened to her. why did this have to happen to her? i wish so much that she had left me a message, so i could at least hear her voice again. why didn't i answer that call? i can just hear her super jovial guffaw: "dude! what's up!?"

i don't think that i will ever stop hating myself for this. i know that the news is fresh and how could any of us have known what was going to happen? but the ache in my heart is one i've never felt before. i know people die all the time, and blah blah blah but you know sometimes you hear about someone dying and it's just a tragedy? like a great injustice.

you always see and hear people talking about people who've died and they always say nothing but glowing things. and sometimes you see some real motherfuckers die and people still say glowing things, and you're like ... well i mean it's sad and all but that person was kind of a dick? so i always take what people say with a grain of salt.

but SL really was a saint. i am such a grumpy, misanthropic, cynical, horrible, judgmental bitch who has impossible standards for friend relationships. but SL was truly an angel on earth. i'm an atheist, but have you ever met someone like this? that person who "lights up the room." a person whose kindness and selflessness is completely unconditional for all people. a person who is never mean, who is always smiling, who is beautiful and warm. that was SL. i don't think i will ever know anyone as good again in my life.

so dude, i'm so sorry i missed your call and didn't call you back. i was being a jackass. i love your face and i hope you're finally comfortable and at peace and hanging out with my babyboy, the only cat you weren't afraid of. you were way too good for this world. every time i have pizza on friday, i will think of you. <3