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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
i feel happy and good.
2018-05-23 @ 9:08 p.m.
what a beautiful day it was today. 82 degrees, sunny, clear, no humidity. i was out sick on monday - i had a really bad cold which sent me out "early" on saturday (only about a half hour earlier than everyone else went home, i stayed all day). i texted boss in the morning that i wasn't coming in and he was like omg let me know if you need anything! i hope you feel better! and then ER and TS both called me to make sure i was okay and to ask if i needed them to bring me soup. like, guys. i love these people so much. while i was dragging myself around, trying to get together something to eat (i had shopped on saturday night because i knew i was going south fast) i couldn't help but think of boy, who was a delightful combination of incredibly mean and completely unconcerned when i was sick or injured or not feeling perfect in every way. a week or so before we broke up i slipped in a parking lot and skinned my knee really badly and really hurt the bone. it's like 9-10 months later and it's still tender if i kneel on it on a hard surface. anyway, i did this and texted him a picture of it, and he didn't text me back for hours (which upset me because he is a person i know looks at his phone literally every 5 minutes), and when he finally did he just said, "looks bad". i mean ... yeah. maybe i ask for too much but i thought he'd at least ask if i was okay. i remember too i had my period a week or two before that happened, i arrived on a friday afternoon like 4, we had sex, then dinner, and then he passed out like he always does on the couch. i tried for hours to get him to wake up, as i always did, and he finally did like way later when i was tired and crampy. we went up to bed and i was laying there under the heating pad, literally grunting and moaning in pain, looking at the news on my phone trying to pass the time, and after a half hour or so of him laying next to me, saying nothing - i thought he was asleep the whole time - he abruptly turns over and says to me really loud, fucking startling me, "what are you doing?" and i'm like ... "i'm laying here having really bad cramps?" like, i told him how i was feeling - even earlier, right after dinner, and before he had fallen asleep. i remember specifically saying "good thing we beat it [by having sex before the cramps started], i just got really crampy." he saw me get in bed and put on the heating pad, and since he was just laying there awake that whole time he presumably had heard me groaning in pain. so i was so surprised by his question. he then groaned in annoyance at me, flopped back over facing away from me and says, again really loud and aggressively, "can't you do something?" and i didn't even know what to say, so i just made an exasperated sound, and he's like, "you can't even rub me or something?" and i was thinking, are you serious? i'm laying here literally moaning in pain and you want me to get up and massage you? but all i could think to say was, "uh, no, i'm in a LOT of pain right now?" and he was like, "whatever. i don't even know why you came then." and i was so hurt by that, i was just like, "wow, really? i came to hang out with you? because i love you and enjoy spending time with you?" and he just scoffed really loud and and said super sarcastically, "yeah okay," and ignored me until he fell asleep for real. i hate to always get taken down the road of these tangents, but it's really cathartic to finally talk about some of his cruelty. i've said so many times, i've learned so much about abusive partners, particularly people with his disorder. with them, the good times are good, and the bad times are really bad. but they never start off being bad, so you think it's just a one-off. then even though the bad times get more and more frequent, they're not all the time, and the good times are so good that you just try to endure the bad times, riding them out, waiting for the next time it'll be good, waiting for that next crumb of love or attention. i'm really embarrassed to say that for the most part here, i only wrote about the good times. i was partly in denial, partly full of excuses for him ("he's tired", "his parents were bad so he never learned how to talk to and treat people", "it was my fault he reacted this way"), and partly just ashamed for anyone to know that i would allow someone to treat me the way he did for so long. but i digress. i was out sick, and people were worried about me. people checked up on me and called me and wanted to help me. i came back and they were happy to see me. and you know what? even though i felt like garbage on monday i woke up fully wanting to go to work, but i knew i would just stay sick longer if i didn't stay home and rest. doing simple tasks like boiling a pot of water for pasta and assembling a salad was exhausting to me, so i knew i wasn't in any shape to go in. but i was like man, i hope i feel better so i can go to work tomorrow! i truly love my job and my coworkers. and i love my apartment. before i moved in, before boss did all of the improvements, i was planning on when i was going to move. then, once i did move in, and had spent a few nights here i remember thinking, okay. i'll spend a couple of years here but then i want to upgrade. now, i have most of the little decorative touches in, my art is hung, and it's so cozy and nice. what i always wanted were fairy lights. i could never put anything up in my house because like i've said before, i NEVER had any extra money of any kind - if there was any extra money around, boy immediately spent it, directly or indirectly. so most of the time i just couldn't afford the little things i wanted. but even if i could, he wouldn't help me. he promised he would help when i asked hypothetically, but then when i was ready for him to really physically help me do something he just yelled at me and told me he was tired, i was annoying, tomorrow, tomorrow, this weekend, next month, next year, etc. so here, i finally ordered them. for myself. i ordered a long length of them and two shorter ones that are multicolored. the long one i wrapped around these decorative branches i have in a huge decorative vase. the multicolored ones i put in two glass vases in my bookcases. they're remote controlled and change into like 10 different colors, but i set them to a color that compliments my other decor in the living room. when it's time to wind down for the night, i turn out the overhead light and turn on the lights on the branches, then turn on a couple of low light lamps i have in the other corners, and then light up the bookcases. it's so beautiful and calming in here. like, i know it's kind of silly to be so happy about something so small and insignificant as colored lights but i'm so in love. they're another symbol to me, you know? another wish fulfilled. another dream coming true. another simple treat i could give myself after years of giving everything away to someone who didn't appreciate it, didn't care, and only wanted more. i wanted ice cream after work so i went out to get it. i texted best friend but she was busy, so i just went by myself. i was driving down the road and the smell of the clean spring air just filled me with an overwhelming sense of peace and happiness. i wanted to do a thing, and i was doing it. not only was i "allowed" to go do it, i could afford to do it, and i wasn't too anxious or afraid to do it by myself. no one rushed me through it, no one made me wait until another day that would never come. no one sat chain smoking next to me the whole time while i enjoyed the treat that i made a special trip for, so i could taste my ice cream instead of nothing but smoke. this weekend i'm going to go take a drive to the mountains. there's so much to be excited about now. the world felt so small to me before. i might have written that recently. but it's a really profound feeling for me. for months and months i lived only in my bedroom. after we broke up, while i was still in my house, i just stayed in my room all the time even though i had a space 4x the size of my entire apartment. i watched tv in my bed, i ate on the floor of my bedroom, and i went to work. that's it. i don't know why, but i just stopped wanting to use any of the other rooms in my house. now, i feel like everything has opened up. i'm cooking again. i love driving and being outside. i'm less afraid of new places and new faces. i'm happy and smiling! i was looking back through my photos recently, looking for a picture of something else, and stumbled upon a photo of myself on my 32nd or 33rd birthday, i forget which it was. i had taken it in the bathroom before we went out to dinner, and i had been crying. in the later years of our relationship he had started making me cry on my birthday. i remember on this particular birthday, we went to this amazing thai restaurant with my parents, and the whole time boy was being really passive aggressive with them, making snide comments and mean spirited jokes about me and how lame and unbearable i was. he wouldn't even look at me or my parents and was being super rude to all of us the entire time, even after he ordered an insane amount of food that my parents paid for. it hurt my feelings so much, and i was so humiliated by his behavior, and then i had to deal with my parents asking me afterward what his problem was. this year, i accidentally found out that my brother and his wife are making a special trip up here to surprise me and take me out somewhere secret for my birthday. then the next weekend best friend and i are celebrating a quarter century of being best friends! i have so much love in my life and so much to be thankful for. there is so much outside of boy's small, angry, poisonous, self-destructive aura. this was supposed to be a short post about what a beautiful day it is, and i suppose it still is about that, in a way. today was a beautiful day, and tomorrow will be too. i'm excited to go to sleep so i can wake up and go on a little trip with boss. i'm excited to breathe the beautiful spring air and get one day closer to the adventure i'm going to take by myself this weekend. i feel happy and good. |