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�what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux

"i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes

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"this day of my life will never come again."
2018-08-27 @ 9:48 p.m.


so much to say, so little time.

i started a big entry the other day, i hope i'll get back to it. right now, just breezing by to say that the weekend was wonderful. i spent it well. on friday, i said no to something and meant it. i didn't waffle and i didn't waver. i just said, no. i'm not going to do that. to do it would have greatly inconvenienced me, ruined my plans for my first and last weekend off for a while, and most of all i just didn't feel like doing it. so i said no and didn't apologize for it. it felt amazing.

things are getting dangerous with boss again. it started like this at the same time last year. i wonder if there's a season for this sort of thing.

my brother and i have been having these really great talks lately. like really long, serious talks about life and relationships and our fucked up family. the other night we were discussing the kind of people that people become. not only just ourselves, but some of the people we know. i said that i think that of course it's all of the small choices that you make in your life, but that you'll be on an even keel with some of the people you know, the kids you're raised with and grow up with, but then you'll be faced with a few really big decisions in your life that determine your ultimate path. that the choices you make in these situations not only reveal your nature but also kind of define it.

this came up because i mentioned this kid he had grown up with, who he was best best friends with until they were 17 or 18 or so. similar upbringings, although the friend had much better parents than ours. the friend did a few smaller fucked up things as they grew up, but my brother was no saint either. for the most part, there was no indicator that they would go on to live dissimilar lives. but the friend was met with his first Big Choice, and he chose the route that was super fucked up. he kind of fell off from the rest of the friend group after that, because everyone was like, "ew. [friend] is that kind of guy, apparently." he proved that he was, because he repeated this Choice again, twice since.

it's crazy to think, i've known this person my whole life. i went to school with them, slept at their house, hung out with their parents. and all that time, they had something like this inside of them? this is what they're capable of?

i had a moment of horror pass over me as i realized that all of these same thoughts and feelings applied to boy.

but it's true, you never really know anyone.

do i even know myself?

it's easy to imagine what you'd choose when you're not on the spot ... i think the trick is that you never see it coming. that's how they get you. you never know it was a Choice until later, until it's too late.

maybe i've already made it.

i wonder this too, all the time. maybe the wheels were set in motion a long time ago. maybe the pebble that causes the avalanche has already been tripped, and is skidding down the mountain, gaining speed.

it would be cool if i'm just overreacting, but very not cool if i'm not.

what a coincidence that, as i finish writing this, this video autoplays on tv in the background: Choices that can Change your Life | Caroline Myss | TEDxFindhornSalon ... the universe is speaking to me, i think.