tinea:any of a number of infectious diseases

�what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux

"i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes

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be clear not cruel.

2018-09-28 @ 10:36 p.m.

i started writing a thing yesterday but i kind of lost steam on it and realized i wasn't really saying much so i just let it go.

now, i can't even remember what most of it was about, so shows how important it was, i guess.

one of the things that i do remember was that i was saying that i went back through my entries looking for something, and i almost regretted it, but i'm going to look at it positively. the first thing i discovered was that the road to boy was paved with red flags. so much drama, so many bad choices made. i can't believe that i thought some of the things he said and did were cute or reasonable! omg. from the first date i should have realized it, but i was just immature and inexperienced. protip: when a guy tells you on the first date about how his ex called the cops on him and her brother or whoever tried to physically fight him in the front yard because they caught him attempting to kidnap his son because he was mad he didn't get custody - RUN! that shit's not charming, tinea, you fucking asshole.

so yeah, that was horrible. please don't read back there, it's so cringey. and the second thing was that I was super cringey! omg, i was so abrasive and angry and straight up mean! my life was absolutely miserable back then, almost 10 years ago now. i can't believe anyone liked me.

that part of the entry was lingering with me today as i went on a road trip with boss's nephew to pick something up. he's good company, easy to talk to, and very smart, so we always get into some good talks. we were talking about boss and his nature and things that would help the business, because he works so much for relatively little gain, but it never gets better because of this self-propagating cycle. business is bad. boss is overworked and short on money. he won't change anything that he does to improve the business, and he won't spend any money on improving the business. so business stays bad. nothing changes.

so boss's nephew (i kind of spend a lot of time with this person so he's getting initials: DR) was telling me that boss and his daughter were fighting the other night, and he said something along the lines of, "i'm exhausted, i'm killing myself to provide for you, what do you think i'm doing all day?" and she's like, "what ARE you doing all day? you spend all this time working and don't even have anything to show for it." like ... dude.

now obviously i'm partial to boss because he's a great guy, and obviously his daughter is right. but i just found it so incredibly offensive and rude and awful to say to someone who has always, and continues to, give you absolutely everything you want. like she comes by and acts all sweet once a week so he'll give her his credit card so she can buy gas. all of his kids went to the best schools, had the best things. all of them drive top of the line cars that he pays for and insures. their college is paid for, they have never had to work in their lives, and they live at home for free and have their grandparents cook for them. they have a cleaning lady, they have never even had to clean their rooms.

so i don't know man, i just feel like when that is your situation, it's pretty fucked up to say something like that to the person who has provided you that lifestyle. like, i get it. i truly get the anger toward the absent parent. i really really do. but even when i was very young, i understood that that parent was working really fucking hard to make sure that we had food and clothes and a home. i get wanting to say something to make them hurt as much as you hurt that they aren't more present in your life. but why cut them? why insult them?

maybe that's just how they talk to each other in their house, i don't really know. i'm only hearing a secondhand account of it, so only the people there know the whole story. but i've met his daughter many many times, i've been there for tantrums when she wanted really expensive shit that boss couldn't afford right then, i'm familiar with how she can be kind of a bitch, so this just doesn't surprise me if it's true. as horrible as my mother was, just ... in every way, even now i can't imagine saying something like that to her, to either of my parents. i'm not one to hit below the belt, to target insecurities.

and then i realize, you know, one of the worst things about boy was that he would go for the low blow. he was not a person interested in resolution, he was interested in hurting you and tearing you down. it almost seemed to please him when you would walk away from a conversation feeling bad about yourself.

even when i was being a total abrasive, misanthropic bitch, i never went there.

so anyway, i was surprised that boss never told me about this, but it must have really upset him. early in the week i remember him saying that he was jealous of my life - that i have no obligations to anyone or anything except myself, no debt, and how amazing that must feel. i kind of laughed it off because he often says things like that. but it made me kind of sad to remember it today, knowing this poor guy is out here trying to do what he thinks is right - what his culture thinks is right - and then being told he's a failure by the one person whose love and approval he's been trying to buy this whole time.

so back to the trip for a second, DR and i stopped to eat on the way back and i was directing us to a ramen restaurant, but when we arrived it looked like some kind of weird country supermarket. i'm like wtf? so we go in and it's actually a huge amazing amish market that randomly has a ramen/poke shop inside. oh my goodness it was great (the ramen was mediocre, i mean the market was great). they had everything you can imagine - produce, baked goods, butcher, candy shop, bbq, everything! it was really wonderful. it was also a beautiful drive once we got off of the PA tpk. i plan to go back out there once the leaves start to change.

i think that's all i had to say today. i need to go to bed early-ish tonight, as i have a pretty awesome day of cruising in the mountains planned for myself for tomorrow and the sun is setting earlier now.