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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
smiling.
2018-10-16 @ 12:13 a.m.
yesterday would have been our 9 year anniversary. alternately, earlier today, since it's only 13 minutes into the 16th. but yeah, i didn't even think about it leading up to it. i remembered it was my mom and stepdad's anniversary, and then i thought, oh yeah. boy and i were on the same day. but it turns out i had been misremembering my parents' anniversary all this time - they were the 14th. it's not something we celebrated as a family or anything so it was random that it crossed my mind at all. and then, as a result, this. boss said "i'll be back in a minute" at around 3:00 or so, then didn't come back to the office until 6:30 or something so i was alone pretty much all day. and when i remembered this, i was kind of taken aback for a few minutes. like imagine your life. you're a grownup, you own a house and live with your partner whom you love and who presumably loves you too. both of you struggle through some really hard times. you really stick your neck out for this person. you raise their child. you make major life decisions based on your partner. you've discussed getting married some day. you sleep next to this person for 6 years. you have sex with them. you tell them you love them and they say they love you too. you fight, but everyone does. you're not happy all the time, but who is? you make plans for the future. they tell you they can't imagine their life without you. and then one day, after just shy of 8 years, your partner fucking ghosts you. it's fucking crazy how i can still feel everything about that day, down to my core. imagine you're living your fucking life out there, wherever you are, and one day your fucking husband or wife or life partner just decides to stop answering the phone for you. like with no warning, nothing leading up to it. you're away visiting your family for the day and when you return home your partner is just like meh, i don't ever want to see you again. and you're like wtf, why!? and they just shrug. and that's it. that's it! jesus christ. now, i really understand better the way that things are, and the nature of people, so it's not as shocking to me as it was when it first happened. i mean, just having the rug pulled from under you like that is totally fucked up, like just from a practical standpoint, but what really got me was the fact that a person had it in them to be like that. i might have even written in here that you know, you hear about human beings doing terrible things to each other but you just don't think it'll ever happen to you. you don't think you would keep someone close to you who is capable of that. so anyway, i don't want to get back into all of that except to say that for a good 5 minutes, i just sat there and absorbed all of that. i made it out, man. i survived him, i survived the disaster that was my life for a little while. there was a period of time when i did not have electricity in my house. but i fucking made it OUT and here i am. on the tail end of this reverie, boss came in and was sitting there across from me and asked what was on my mind. i told him, and he said, "and look at you now. smiling." i feel so good. i am pretty poor, i really don't make much money. but my apartment is nice, i have everything i need, and more. i go places, i do things. there are so many amazing people in my life now. i have plans and goals that i am slowly working to achieve. and for the first time in nearly a decade, i am actually making progress. no longer do i feel that i take one step forward and 5 steps backwards. i fall asleep at night with no worry, and no fears that one false move will cause everything to come crashing down. i am going to celebrate, but not the date - the fact that i forgot it. the fact that i'm getting to a point where it was barely a blip on my radar, that i just raced by it on my way out of town, like it was just some monument to something that was never really there. |