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tinea:any of a number of infectious diseases



�what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux

"i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes

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getting old, shitty regular humans, reveries.
2019-01-14 @ 11:38 p.m.


guys, i fucked up. i'm getting old now, i get it. i need to watch my diet. i gained like 12 pounds (well, after i pooped it was like 9) between thanksgiving and now! okay, okay. i'm going to adjust my diet now.

but like, i feel the poor diet now. my skin is so ugh. my hair is even worse. i'm fucking exhausted. some of this is winter but the rest is too much fast food and no exercise. i need to take it seriously because i'm sure it's all downhill from here.

boss's nephew (have i named him yet? i can't remember, but we'll call him DR from now on i guess?) was telling me today about how worried he is about boss for the same reasons. boss is like so stressed out all the time he's literally just running back and forth across the parking lot, not even knowing what he was doing. then he eats even worse than you can imagine - a bagel and cream cheese every morning, then sometimes a breakfast sandwich from DD or mcd's on the way to work, lunch which is fast food 98% of the time (i actually took the time to calculate this based on the number of times i can remember seeing him eat homemade food for lunch in the past year), then afternoon-evening snacking like a madman, then dinner which is takeout, chikfila, or pizza a minimum of 4 days a week. he's always clutching his chest and saying he has chest pains and we're like ... dude. it's always terrifying because i think most of us realize that one day it very well could be real, we're just waiting.

anyway, at the end of this conversation DR was like yeah, his wife is not helping though. she's really annoying and not nice. they're a really bad couple. i raised my eyebrow and he said, yeah, don't tell [boss] i told you but he asked me last year if i thought he should divorce her.

yikes. i can't even imagine what a disaster he would become if he ever decides to pull the trigger on that. i mean ... wow. the only thing worse than two people staying miserably married "for the kids" is watching those two people go through a divorce.

a little later when boss came back to our office he was telling me how he and his family tried to go out to dinner last night and everyone was just fighting and his daughter stormed out and when they got home everyone was yelling. all over really trivial, dumb ass shit. i said you know, ya'll need to learn to communicate.

so then my mom called shortly after and said hey do you want to hear about crazy fucking family? here's a story about yours. so my uncle was going to bring his girlfriend and her daughter over for xmas. my grandmother told him to ask my mom (? since when is she the arbiter of the guestlist but okay). he asked my mom and she was like, uh, yeah, whatever, why are you asking me? and he said our mother told me to ask you.

so that's like 2 weeks before xmas. my uncle checked in again the friday right before xmas. everything is still good. that sunday my aunt set the table with the extra seats. monday, behind the scenes, my grandmother tells my uncle that "it was decided" that it would be better if his gf and her daughter didn't come. my uncle, very upset because he wanted them there and also because it was such short notice, uninvites them. we have xmas and there are three too many seats at the table since my stepdad was really sick and couldn't come. after xmas, my uncle is sitting with my grandmother and he's like why did you tell me to uninvite [gf] and [daughter]? and she says, well, [tinea's stepdad] and [oldest aunt] didn't want them there.

my uncle, understandably upset and hurt by this, went on to text his sister and my stepdad exactly that, and that he couldn't understand why they were being like this, and not to "meddle in his affairs." then he signed it like a fucking letter (old people using the internet, bless you you're so adorable) and sent it out in group. my stepdad gets it and my mom says she hears him say from two rooms away, "what the fuck is this text." she reads it and immediately calls my uncle, and is like what the fuck was that text. he explains to her the situation and my mom is like wtf, [stepdad] wasn't even AT xmas dinner, remember he was sick the whole fucking weekend!? and since when has he cared who came?

my glorious aunt probably just read it, laughed, and went on about her day.

so at the bottom of this mystery of misunderstanding, we find my grandmother, who, when confronted by my stepdad about this IN FRONT OF A WITNESS, just put her head down. my stepdad was like why!? my grandmother says "well [uncle's gf] was going to bring [daughter]. she's something like [our cousin who's developmentally delayed]." she's "something like" [cousin]? like what the fuck kind of thing is that to say?? like she's not even human.

i was so bothered by this, i mean aside from the insidious plot to get several family members at each others' throats. but that the woman who raised me, a woman who was the mother of a mentally disabled child herself, could be so heartless to people who didn't have anywhere else to go, at the last minute no less. her behavior was just so gross.

i said as much to my mother and she said you have no idea how often this kind of thing happens. we just don't tell you guys about it because she's your grandmother.

is this what it is to get old? trying to maintain while your body begins its downward decline, and you begin to see your heroes for what they are - just shitty regular humans, like we all are.

wow, that was kind of depressing. sorry.

it's only monday but i'm ready for this week to be over already! i want nice weather, i want to go exploring. it's the winter, i get it, it's okay if it's cold as balls. i just need the sun, the sky, the trees. i don't get paid again until next week so i'm anxiously awaiting that too. there's stuff i want to buy, places i want to go, things i want to see. i'm ready for all of it.

i can't help but wonder about boy, and "the new one." i'm sure that she was in place before he actually broke it off with me. that's always been his MO. it's been a little over a year now, probably a year and a half for them together if we go back a few months before the end for us. i was looking at my old journal, the one i ended up abandoning on lj for this one. i realized i couldn't be as candid with so many people i knew reading me, so i ditched it. but some of the entries near the end there were pretty illuminating. i didn't remember how it was in the early months but the journal did. it was constant drama from the beginning. drama, moods, and him making horrible decisions. it wasn't that bad at first because i didn't depend on him for anything and we weren't living together. i was stressed and upset about some of the things that happened with him but ultimately they were "him" issues.

once i let him move in with me, and once i let him slide on not paying rent once, it became twice, then never again. once i started lending him money, once it became "i'll pay you back" instead of cash in hand ... it started so fast and escalated so quickly. i wonder if she's there with him yet. i wonder if she has a head about her and she sees him for what he is, or if she has one foot already in the quagmire.

i catch myself having thoughts like, "what if it was just me?" but i know it isn't, and it wasn't. why is it that i was doing amazingly (all things considered) before i met him, and am doing amazingly now, without him? why has he always had the same problems throughout his life?

i keep having these flashbacks to ... my house, that relationship, the paralysis of the anxiety and the fear. i was remembering every inch of my house. i remember it still. i was laying on the edge of my bed the other night, cracking my back, and i closed my eyes for a long time, then opened them, and for a minute i didn't realize where i was - i thought, oh, i'm here now? it felt like i was there again. but then, when i was in the bathroom a couple of mornings ago, i was standing there washing my face remembering how long i went without hot water. how my fingers ached as i splashed that ice cold water over my face. how, as i did that, i thought to myself, "you deserve this. you deserve this." how i hated myself in those first few months afterward.

that's why i need to get away this weekend. i have a lot to reflect on by myself. i don't feel depressed about it, though. instead i feel inquisitive. why did i think i deserved any of that? what could i have done differently, and what will i do differently next time? have i changed? what do i deserve now?

my therapist thinks i don't need her anymore and i said i still want to check in every couple of months, just to make sure it stuck. i'm off my training wheels but i still need someone there to watch me. even if they're just saying "you're doing great" while they look down at their phone.

i thought this was going to be a quickie but there was a lot in there. wanted to go to bed early but here we are. ah well.