| profile entries archives refresh |
 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
for real.
2019-04-03 @ 11:53 p.m.
started writing this wednesday but didn't finish, so here are two parts. 1: yesterday, a man asked me to do them a favor that i not only did not want to do, but which i thought was unethical. so i said, "ah ... no." and he started to protest, and i cut him off and said, "no is a complete sentence." and he said, "wow, really?" and i said, "yes, really." yo - it felt awesome. the only reason i felt i needed to mention that it was a man was because i personally have always had problems saying no to men. yes, problems saying no in general, but to men in particular as i used to care a lot that i was not seen as a bitch. i wanted to be "cool" and "easygoing." now i realize that what's really cool is not fucking yourself over and putting yourself out for no reason. i changed my duvet cover last night to the new one i bought recently. it's so pretty! i love the look it gives to the room. i have a really strict monochromatic thing going on in there and it can look really dark if i have the wrong pattern on the duvet and i don't keep it tidy. it wasn't that bad at my house, because there were a lot of tall windows, but now in this small place the actual room dimensions are smaller, the ceilings are lower, a lot of awkward walls and only one window. i feel claustrophobic easily so it's something that seems like a small deal but is very important to me. i think i would like to find one more that really works in there, and one more set of sheets so i have 4 of each. sheets and duvet covers don't take up that much closet space and having 4 sets will make it much easier to manage my laundry needs. i'd like to get on a schedule where i drop it off every couple of weeks or something, or like on a specific day of the month, but i have yet to budget that way. speaking of which. i guess the universe really does guide you if you follow what your heart is telling you. okay. so all of this shit is going down with my brother and SIL. late last year i was like hey i'm going to schedule this "camping" trip. then i waited until after christmas because i knew i was about to spend a ton of money, and while i could have done it, it would have been ill-advised. then brother and SIL were moving and had stuff going on so i postponed it until march or so. then i hung out with brother and we had talked about some stuff and he indicated that they weren't like super anxious to go or anything, it would just be fun whenever. so i took the opportunity to put that on the back burner since it would be kind of a stretch financially, and focus on getting some stuff to improve my home and build my savings a little more. (i've made a lot of quality of life improvements here!) then, this situation happened with brother and SIL just a couple of weeks ago, so i know the trip will have to be delayed until probably the end of the year, if not until next year until they're in a solid place. this gives me even more time to save, to find the perfect place, to get all of my personal ducks in a row. i really struggled with self-control when i first decided to do it because i had the idea and was like YAY! let's just DO it! but i kept saying to myself, i said i'm no longer going to fuck over future me. i promised myself i'm going to stop doing that. i said to myself, if i would have to dip into my savings more than x amount to do the trip, i'm not going to do it. and i kept to it, because in my heart i knew it was a bad idea. and i'm no longer going to self sabotage. and now i see that it was right. not only do i feel really good about the decision, a lot of things popped up that would have absolutely fucked me if i hadn't had the savings to cover them. i saw immediate return on this personal commitment and continue to do so. i am so happy to be on the right track for once. boss asked me tonight if i thought he would benefit from therapy. he said he really wanted to address his anxiety and irrational fears and learn to relax and enjoy life. i was so excited to hear it but unfortunately (fortunately for her) my therapist got a better job and moved on. i told him there are a lot of nearby therapists that take insurance. best friend goes to one near us. so he said he'd think about it. i really hope he does it! he's such a good guy and would benefit so much from slowing down a little. he's one of those people who is always so amped up he looks like he's vibrating. like, you start to feel edgy just being around him. he talks fast, he can't even walk like a normal person, he's fucking like speed walking, just shy of a jog almost all the time. you can barely follow a conversation with him because he speaks in these random fragments that are just flying through his head at 100 miles per hour. we were doing bills together tonight and he said something to me and i started asking all of these questions. and he's seeming almost annoyed so i said, "i don't know if you realize this, but you just started saying a sentence and completely stopped, so i was trying to figure out what the fuck you were talking about. you do that kind of a lot. like all the time." and he laughed and said, "oh, i thought you could read my mind by now." only half joking. but him being able to turn it down a little will help the business. that's something that i don't think he realizes. the chaos in his head is very clearly reflected in the business. we're just hanging on, we're doing the worst of all of our nearby competitors. it's a big industry, but it's also a small one. in the region, nearly everyone independent knows everyone else. and everyone knows boss is a mess, but has resources that other people can only WISH for. but somehow, he's still blowing it. it's because his head isn't in the game. i tell him this all the time. so maybe he's finally listening. the trip i took over the weekend was amazinggg!!! i drove through two absolutely awesome little towns, beautiful mountainous scenery, playlist was perfect. i am dying for the trees and the flowers to start blooming. i will travel this same route, maybe spend some more time passing through the little downtown areas. i didn't like the way i took back home, so i'll change that up next time. the sun was setting as i drove around this huge reservoir and the water just glittered and danced. it was so beautiful.
i was thinking about a "rant about annoying shit boy used to do" entry the other day because i was excited about this upcoming adventure, and so many memories came back at me and i wanted to just get it off my chest. but there's so much, and so many of the things rely on knowledge of other things, so imma just try to be brief. i was always at the mercy of his whims, his mood, his desires. it was literally never about me unless he humored me, but then i knew he expected ten times as much in return. if i told him this plan, he would say yeah, totally, awesome. let's do it. i love going out, i love doing stuff. he used to say that all the time, but he really never wanted to do anything, or leave the house. to get him to do so was always a struggle and we could only do it exactly as long as he wanted to do it or he would start to get rude and petulant. i'm sorry if you read this and you're like wtf, this shit is ridiculous. but i really just didn't know how crazy and immature and fucked up this kind of behavior was, because my parents were exactly the same way, albeit less outwardly and obviously malicious. so tomorrow, for example. there's an optimal time to leave to do this, otherwise it starts getting late in the day, the sun is setting, etc. so i'd say okay, we have to be up by x. he'd be like, okay, sure, just wake me up when you get up. so i'd wake up on saturday and wake him up and he'd say okay, a few more minutes. i'd go downstairs, drink coffee, whatever. he wouldn't get up. okay, i'm going to go and start getting ready. i'd go and get ready, get dressed, i'm ready to walk out the door. he would keep sleeping. finally, usually a couple of hours after i got up, he'd come down and be rude as fuck. just in a grumpy mood for no reason. i wasn't allowed to acknowledge this mood at all, or ask him if he was okay or he'd snap at me and say nothing was wrong. then he'd go drink coffee and look at his phone for an obscene amount of time. you realize, he was completely aware that i was ready and waiting for him, he just wanted to punish me for having the audacity to want to do an activity with him. when he finally decided enough was enough and came inside to get ready, he'd take an absurd amount of time showering and masturbating and doing his hair. he knew the time, he knew i had an itinerary. it's just that he had a pathological need to be in control. once again, i'm completely dressed and ready to go this whole time, just sitting on the couch waiting for him. i wasn't allowed to knock on the door or to remind him of what time i had originally wanted to leave, because if i did he'd yell at me and take even longer. if i had awoken at 9am so we could leave by 11:45, he would routinely still be in the bathroom by 1:30, 1:45. easy. a few times, it was as late as 3. if he came downstairs and saw me sitting there, sometimes visibly upset that he was taking so long, he would yell at me and accuse me of having an attitude. since i had gotten up hours earlier than him, i was usually starving by the time he was finally ready. i'd stop at a convenience store and grab something to hold me over because i knew we'd be walking and doing stuff that makes you hungry. he would refuse food because "i JUST woke up." we would drive to wherever it was, he usually wouldn't speak to me for at least half of the trip which i was again not allowed to acknowledge or it would start a fight. then he would randomly just spring to life and act completely normal and expect me to be chipper and cheery as well despite the fact we were leaving hours late for this day i wanted to have. i would ask him every time i passed any kind of place that would have food if he wanted me to stop so he could eat, because we're probably not going to see anywhere else for a while. he would always say no. then, when we were almost to our destination he would tell me he was starving. of course, now that we're in the middle of the woods inside a state park. so i'd park and sometimes, he would get out with me but we'd walk a trail for about 10 minutes (him chain smoking cigarettes the entire time, it was so fucking embarrassing) and then he'd complain he was too hungry to continue. so we'd have to turn around and leave. other times, he would refuse to get out of the car at all. after all of that, all of the driving and getting ready and all of that, he would say, "i'm good. you go ahead. i'll just wait in the car." like .... i pulled up to a forest with miles-long walking trails after two fucking hours of driving. nevermind the fact of SAYING you wanted to do this, and were totally excited about it, and going through the whole process in the morning. but after two hours of driving you're not even going to set foot out of the car? you're going to just sit there while i go walk? how fucking long did he think i was going to be? like i was just going in for 10 minutes and i'd be right back? what the fuck is the point of that? if i asked him why he didn't want to get out, he'd get mad at me and say nastily, "i walk all day for my job. i don't want to walk all day on my only two days off." so on the days he would refuse to get out, i wouldn't get out either, because i knew if i did, he would be mad at me because this whole fucking thing was a ruse to begin with. first of all, i'd be defying him because he was passive aggressively telling me he didn't want to do this. but secondly, if i did get out and left him in the car i knew he would go nuts if i was gone for too long. like if i had just decided, "alright, fuck that guy. i'm going on a 5 mile hike!" he would have gone nuts when i got back. i knew without him saying that it was not an option. so when i would say, "oh, well if you're not going then i'm not going to go," he would get mad. why not? what's your problem? so we just drove all this way for nothing? how stupid, what a waste. you're so lame. you wasted the whole day. we never do anything. what now? but, insanely, he would never acknowledge or address WHY the fuck he agreed to it and acted excited about it when he had no intention of participating with me! the nature of the trip was never a surprise to him! but i never asked about or acknowledged it either because i was so confused and frustrated by the way this was suddenly my fault. i would get so flustered at him shouting at me and acting so disgusted that i wouldn't go alone that i didn't have enough wits about me to even think to ask him. if i got so frustrated that i started to cry, forget it. i not only ruined his whole day but his whole life. needless to say, over our 8 years together, this scene played out in some form more times, more weekends than i can even count. i'm not exaggerating. it was such a mind fuck. shit like this was why i had a nervous breakdown. my brain was just like ... burned out from this kind of insanity. i never knew what to fucking do! even now, writing this, i caught myself thinking, "what did i do wrong? how could i have better explained what we were doing to him other than by saying, 'tomorrow i want to drive to x state forest and walk one of the trails then go out to dinner?' were there other words that could have conveyed it better?" but i stopped those thoughts to tell myself, "no. all of that was just him. that was just him." sorry for that extremely long nonsense but i hope it sheds a little light on why i'm so excited about something so absolutely mundane. saturdays would approach and i would be filled with such alternating excitement and utter dread. it could turn out to be a really good one or a really bad one, like this. i never knew what was coming. it caused my anxiety to shoot through the roof. being able to wake up tomorrow, get dressed and get in my car and go when i want to, and get there and do what i wanted to do is truly a blessing to me. this simple pleasure that most normal adults enjoy on a daily basis was a hard fought privilege for me. so i am more thankful for it than i can express. i have so little now, but so, so much. another hard lesson i learned from all of this is that you can't be materialistic and live your best life. you will always have fear of losing those things, you will make decisions in the best interest of your things instead of yourself, and it's very hard to be truly satisfied and content when you're always chasing after more. this shit with brother and SIL is so shitty because they just bought and moved into their first house. when they were talking about how they discussed seriously getting divorced, they both mentioned the house as one of their top reasons for trying to work it out. while i totally get it, i am looking at it through the lens of having been there. i stayed with boy for so long because of my house. if not for it, things never would have gone as far as they did. sigh. oh well. whatever. so wow. that was all so much but it feels SO good to have expelled it from my soul. tomorrow, it won't burden me, and i can truly enjoy my day. i'm fucking so hungry right now, i can barely concentrate to end this coherently. so, that's it! everything is going wonderfully, for real. |