i got home from work kind of late because boss and i were balancing one of the bank accounts. i came in, took off all my clothes, put on super comfy joggers and a thin shirt, and smoked a bunch of weed. my little buddy came and sat next to me on the couch and i watched a couple of ytbe videos about the new phone i'm getting.

mr. able called me and was like heeeey, whatcha doooooin? and i said, i'm sitting in my pajamas and watching tv. he said okay, get dressed right now and meet me for dinner. i was like wtf? and he's like come on! i'm bored and i want to have dinner! so i said okay and got dressed and flew out the door.

the place he chose was right around the corner so we sat, we ate, and it was great. we talked about boss and how i was right, he really has been falling apart. pretty much since mr. able moved back to his country.

and i just got home and got changed and had a nice conversation with my mom.

you know? mr. able was saying over dinner that he got to a point where he was like yo, i'm waking up, i'm dreading talking to the people around me, i'm dreading my debt, i'm dreading my ex-wife, i'm dreading going home. that's why he moved. he just needed to wake up somewhere different and have no one and nothing to worry about but himself. because what is the point of life if you spend it suffering when it is within your power to change it?

we understand each other on a spiritual level.

--

now it's thursday. i started writing this on tuesday and didn't finish.

i was occupied yesterday by getting a new phone, finally. i have been a smsng fangirl for a long time now, since the glxy 3. i had an iphone and it was okay because it was new at first but i just wanted more. it wasn't as customizable as i wanted and was not a physically well-made device. it was so buggy all the time and the things that didn't work made basic functionality of the phone impossible. also, i'm a computery person, strictly windows, and i found it hard to get used to the mac environment, and i really really hated having to do everything through fucking itunes. i'm STILL getting goddamn quicktime update popups.

i loved the glxy 3, then i went on to get the newest one every 3 or so years (i hang on to each phone until it's so beat and old and broken that other people actually ask me to please get a new phone that works so they can communicate with me). just setting the stage here to say that i already really love this brand and line of phones.

let me tell you what i really don't love, and that is the process of re-installing everything and changing your settings back and restoring your stuff when you get a new phone. some people are cool with just being like "new phone who dis" but i NEED my old texts, my call log, my contacts, my bookmarks. both for work and in my personal life, i need to be able to refer back to that stuff, get a phone number or address or name i know someone sent me years ago. and i DON'T find it fun at all to sit and scroll through ringtones and new themes and wallpapers and shit when i get a new phone. i just want my device to work well and have all of my shit on it.

so with this newest phone, i realized i love the glxies so much because they let me do this so easily. it took me like 20 mins to back up my 7 onto my computer, att had an "expert" deliver the new one (10e) to me at work (upon my request) at a convenient time for me, the girl called me ahead and said she'd be there in 10, then she set up everything for me and sold me a case (i was easy prey though, it was really sparkly). EVERYTHING was there from my old phone, even down to the order of the icons and layouts of my screens!!

yo, it was so fucking awesome and convenient and fast. it was ready to use with absolutely everything restored. between att, smsng, and goog (for also backing up (aka owning) every single piece of information about my life, not creepy or anything), it was like i just put down my old phone and picked up the new one and moved forward with my day. i know i've sold my soul for this level of convenience but whatever man, what can you do. i'm just so happy with the whole experience.

i wouldn't really be able to function if i had been without a phone for even a day. personally, i don't really care. but i have to talk back and forth with my coworkers and make so many phone calls and send texts and goog maps because i'm driving to some random place and look up inventory and etc etc. i must have a phone for work. and this whole process was a breeze with literally zero downtime.

sorry to go on and on about that, i promise that was not a sponsored rant. haha. it was just that virtually all of the annoying things about upgrading my phone were stripped away from the experience and i was just left with the good stuff. thumbs up to that.

so anyway, today i barely did any work. it was TS's birthday and JC and AL were out, so i spent a lot of time going around and picking up lunch and cupcakes and candles for everyone. then i spent a lot of time talking with DR and his grandfather, which is always delightful. boss was all frazzled so i told him he was being annoying and to leave me alone, which he did. so i got about an hour of work done, maybe two right before we closed. and to be fair to myself, since JC was out, i was answering the phone all day (which i usually do not do), taking messages, passing the phone to boss, and trying to figure out why the internet was out only in our office. so i really wasn't just sitting there.

--

shit! now it's saturday night! well, i had a really busy week as it turns out. and a pretty shitty day today. the weather was really nice and i looked great, which is always a mood-booster, but one of our most annoying/obnoxious customers and old friend of boss came in today. i openly hate this guy, but the thing that is the worst to me is that he is a liar and a con-man and a thief. i just don't condone that shit, especially when the victims are your friends and the people who have always been there for you and tried to help you in good faith.

so boss has been tossing around having this guy's brother, who, for as long as i have worked for boss, has been legendary for being a piece of shit. every single other person in our industry who i have met has not only heard of this guy but fucking hates him and is after him for money. he fled the country for a while to get his shit together but now he's back.

at first, boss told me that he was going to maybe ask this guy to do some buying for us. i didn't like it, but i said okay i guess. everyone who knows this shitbird knows that he is extremely good at what he does, but it's never worth it because of the shit he causes. so i didn't like it but the setup boss described made me feel like he would only be tangentially dealing with us. today, after brother 1 left boss told me that brother 2 was not only going to buy for us but he was going to let him sell out of the old location. i was like WHAT!? are you fucking crazy. and he's like oh well, just like brother 1 he's a necessary evil. i said no. he is not. but even if you insist upon having him buy for us do NOT let him do business here.

boss gave me all kinds of bullshit responses and at that moment i was like whatever man, i'm out. like i am officially emotionally divorcing myself from the whole situation. i was saying the other night that i don't spend a huge amount of time thinking about work, but i do try to come up with ideas and shit sometimes. but this is pure stupidity. there is way too much cash in our place, just all over the place, and it's extremely poorly kept, there are way too many checks and checkbooks floating around, it's too easy for someone who wants to do bad shit to do it. i'm saying JC will staple a $100 bill to an invoice, then put it under a cash register drawer full of office supplies that is kept in an unlocked drawer in an office that has the door wide open most of the day. an office we use as a waiting room and a lunch room and a meeting room and whatever else.

on the tame end of things, brother 2 is the kind of guy who would tell a customer a different, higher cash price for something, write the invoice for the selling price and then pocket the difference. on the not so tame end of things, brother 2 is the kind of guy who would steal a blank check, write it to himself, and split for months with thousands of your dollars. boss knows all of this. boss is the person who told me half of these stories about this guy. so WHAT THE FUCK is he thinking!?

not only this, but we're having all of these issues with JC, not to mention boss is constantly complaining that he has to "babysit" everyone else because they are either too lazy or too incompetent to do some of the things they're getting paid to do. i do a lot of ER's work because his english is terrible and his computer knowledge is poor. and also because he's just too lazy or too unwilling to pay more attention to what he's doing. he'll spell customers' names wrong on legal documents, won't have them sign contracts properly, contracts are missing pages, sometimes he sells the wrong thing to the wrong person and/or it's the wrong price, i could go on and on, but i won't. the point is, there are only two of us to do the job of like 8 people sometimes, and that's one of our primary issues. so i was yelling at him tonight, "WHY are you going to hire another person we're going to have to babysit!? isn't that the problem!!!???"

fuck! we were leaving and he asked what i was going to do tonight and i told him i'm going home and thinking about how stupid you are.

just you wait until i'm writing in here in a few months from now about this guy. just wait. he won't do anything right away. they never do. he'll wait 3-4 months, probably 6, that's usually when they start to feel really comfortable. then he's going to fuck boss in a huge way, and boss is already strapped for cash. then boss is going to say, i can't believe this happened! mark these words.

god i'm so disappointed in him! on monday that's what i am going to tell him. i'm going to say, i feel like you would feel if i told you i was getting back together with boy, even after all of the shit he did. i'm going to sit here and watch this fail, and then i'm going to watch you be upset about it, and i'm going to think, we all knew this was going to happen.

it hurts me to see someone make such consistently bad choices. but i guess that's how everyone felt watching me stay with boy. so.

ANYWAY. i'm done thinking about it now. there's nothing i can do and it is not mine to bear.

--

jesus, now it's sunday morning. where does the time go? i got up from writing last night and had to do a bunch of dishes and shit, then got crampy and chilled on the couch for a while, and now it's today. it's 4 months into this year already and it feels like christmas was yesterday and my epic family vacation is tomorrow.

i was reading a rddt thread in relationships in which the poster mentioned something about how their (abusive) partner would do things that would put them in danger, and when the poster would say something or complain, the partner would get angry or freak out or act even more wild to scare the poster. the poster didn't know that this was crazy and abusive behavior until a bunch of commenters chimed in with their stories of partners behaving like this.

this brought back so many memories for me, because once again, i knew this behavior wasn't appropriate, but i didn't know it was abusive and used as a tactic to silence and control and intimidate.

boy was an extremely terrifyingly aggressive and dangerous driver. he drove too fast, too stoned, too angry, too inattentively. he would be going literally 100 miles per hour on the highway, slamming on the horn, tailgating people within a foot or two of their bumper. i'm not kidding. after going on a couple of long trips with him, best friend refused to go anywhere with us unless i drove, because she was sure we would die in a fiery crash. and though i wouldn't say it to anyone but boy, i was too. when i told him he told me i was "lame," "gay," being such a baby, or simply to fuck off.

if he was currently driving and i said something, because sometimes he was within inches of crashing/flipping/killing us and i was so scared i felt i HAD to intervene (i'd like to add, he drove like this even with his child in the car with us), he would yell at me and drive even crazier. the kicker though? he even did this shit when his license was suspended.

yeah, you read that right. a grown, 30 year old man had so many points on his license from traffic infractions that his license was suspended. not once, not twice, but three times (he was up to 3 by the time we broke up). he HAD to be able to drive to work because he was the foreman of his jobs and brought tools and supplies and such. so instead of finding another way, or finding someone to drive him, he decides to just keep driving on his suspended license and hope for the best. which, okay. i get it if you're desperate and you can't afford to lose your job.

but wouldn't you try your best to avoid getting pulled over? nope, not boy. he refused to budget enough time to avoid speeding, continued to race and tailgate, once followed someone home, once actually hit someone and fled, refused to let me drive if i was available, continued to shout me down and accelerate wildly and make dangerous left turns in front of people who were going really fast, and would have hit my side of the car if they hadn't been able to stop. every time i got into a vehicle with him i would tense and my anxiety shot up because i knew i was in for a white knuckle ride that i couldn't complain about or i'd get yelled at during it.

god, what a bad fucking time. and then this guy bought a motorcycle (instead of paying our late bills, but that's another story for another time) and expected me to ride on the back of it. after two short rides i was like nooooo thanks. the same type of driving but our fragile human bodies were completely exposed. and the bike had no speedometer. he got upset i never wanted to ride with him and i said i'm sorry, i don't want to die in a violent accident, and he said i was a pussy.

the end.

it's an overcast, humid, shitty day outside so i'm deep conditioning my hair and gaming all day. i wanted to clean out my car but it looks like it's going to rain. oh well. makes it a great day to veg and watch all of the movies i never got to watch.

the other day i was thinking about how i feel like i'm presently not as goal oriented as i would like to be regarding reviving my business and everything. i'm just kind of spending a lot of time catching up on leisurely pursuits, because i've honestly just never been able to take care of myself like this. this is the first time in my life i have had the luxury of being entirely self-focused. i'm finally getting to know myself. i don't think this is wasted time, although sometimes i feel guilty, like it is.

so i gave myself another year, until after this expensive vacation in the fall, until i've been here two years. then i am going to be serious and set aside time daily to work on the projects i've been imagining and jotting notes for but to which i've never dedicated any real time. and i'd better join a fucking gym, goddammit.

there's so much i have the potential to do, and so much that i want to do, i just have to be more diligent and disciplined. especially now that i know boss is never going to turn the business around so we can start to actually make money. that's never going to happen, so i need to rely on myself and use my talents. this is what i've always wanted the freedom to do, so now i have the freedom and the motivation and no excuse.

i almost started slipping into that old, comfortable skin, but i caught myself. get tied up with a high drama person, try to solve their problems, take on their stress. but not again, my friends.

2019-04-24: savour.
2019-04-22: JC saga continues, on not wasting time.
2019-04-18: why is she like this.
2019-04-18: "a mom like ours."
2019-04-15: update on yesterday. also my uterus.



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i am a horrible person. i'm insecure. i'm crass, i'm cruel. i love but i am heartless. i write these things so i never forget who i am. in here, i withhold nothing. i live my life with no filter. this is the ugly, honest, hurtful, barebones, truth. i am not right. i am contagious.

i am trying my hardest to be a better person.