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�what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux

"i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes

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thankfully finally alive.
2019-10-01 @ 8:46 p.m.


it was 83 and humid as fuck today and tomorrow will be 93(!), then thursday will be in the mid 60s(?) but fucking 85% humidity!!! why. i was going to flat iron my hair tonight but i won't even waste my time now.

but then saturday will be paradise. my heart and my soul are so, incredibly, positively, excited. i just downloaded so much new music - one of my new favorite artists just came out with a new album that is top notch. perfect for this weather, this time of year, this autumnal feel of perpetual afternoon. ah. ahh!

i was going to invite brother and SIL to come with me but while i was working yesterday i realized i wanted it all to myself. i think i'm even going to stop and grab my lunch before i leave so i don't have to stop anywhere or see anyone. i can just be out there.

i was writing a long thing the other day but i shelved it because it just wasn't ready yet. it's about kindness, compassion, and really connecting to other people. today i let an old man cross the street (since it is the law to yield to pedestrians in the crosswalk but no one else got the memo i guess) and he smiled and waved at me. i smiled and waved back. it was such a simple exchange. and how much did it cost me? that's what i couldn't stop thinking about after it happened. how much does kindness really cost you that you can't slow down for just a moment? let someone merge, hold a door, look at someone's face and say thank you to them? it makes me so sad that our society has turned into this fucking cutthroat stressfest in which you have to utterly destroy everyone else to succeed.

while i was washing the dishes on sunday i once again became lost in thought. and this time, instead of randomly focusing on shitty things boy said or did to me (yay!) i got to thinking about how, before he became shitty, i was on all of these things. i was doing my etsy shop, i was working out and cooking and active. i was thinking about the cooking in particular, because i spent all of sunday doing it, and had plans to continue monday night to finish up a soup i had planned. i just have so much energy for it, like i enjoy it so much, i enjoy the process as well as the result. as i was washing my greens, rinsing them once, then twice, then chopping, methodically and with care, i realized that i was so in the zone. i felt so calm, so absolutely content. this moment was the only thing in the world i had to focus on.

and this line of thought made me realize that with this, i can build that momentum to get back into those things which were so important to me, that i had to give up. and as amazing as i feel now, doing those things again will make me feel even better.

back then, i used to blog my craft pretty regularly, and there were all of these bloggers coming out with the "intentional living" thing. everything everyone was doing was "intentional," it was the new buzz word. and i was like ugh, you hipsters. but now, i feel kind of like an asshole for being so judgy because it turns out that i really do agree with the concepts. without realizing, i started living intentionally. i stood there washing the dishes thinking, "it sucks that i lost so much but i designed my new life so perfectly." what i have, i own, and what i rent is from a trusted person who cares for me as a human being. i have no debt, i have no credit cards. i'm building my savings. i work exactly as much as i want to be able to afford what i want but also have a perfect work-life balance. i am happy, everyone knows everything now. all of my cards are on the table. i answer to no one but myself and the will of the universe.

this new genre of music i'm super into now has this warm, nostalgic, afternoon sun kind of feeling about it. that feeling you had riding bikes with your friends in the late summer, when you just felt so relaxed and carefree. i never thought i'd feel that again. so alive. that was the thought that kept coming to me while washing, while cooking. this makes me feel so alive! i finally know it. i finally feel it.

i know i can never again be with a person who makes me feel like the world is dead. a person who looks to each day and sees nothing but a dark tunnel. so many days i used to just wake up and wonder when i would finally die already. fun things that happened were just a brief respite from the relentless march toward ruin or death.

i was so miserable. i am sure i was miserable to be around. but now i am alive again. now i worry that i don't have enough time left, and would rather not die anytime soon. there's so much more to see.

i'm off to make cookies. i'm sorry i'm rambling so much but it just feels like something awakened inside of me. something was activated. maybe, like i said before, i've settled in to feeling safe so now my brain can relax and focus on something other than pure survival. whatever it is, it's good and i hope it doesn't stop.

i am thankful for my life.