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�what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux

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boss's web.

2019-10-02 @ 8:49 p.m.

boss was super stressed today, about how things are going with the business and about money in general. then, in the evening, we were paying bills and i see this one from one of those famous tutoring schools he had been talking about earlier. apparently his wife didn't look at or read anything about the contracts she was signing, so the option to "finance" was actually just opening a new credit card. boss was going nuts because he is afloat solely on the virtue of his good credit, which is precarious at best. he has literally no cash money, just a near perfect credit score, a high credit limit, and a number of rental properties.

he's super duper high strung and constantly anxious and i really understand why, because it has to be a terrifying situation to be in. the house of cards could easily fall at any moment. his father would never let him truly fall (he hasn't yet), but his father will not live forever and the money boss would inherit will run out more quickly than he can imagine given his spending habits.

i wrote several entries ago about how he's never truly been poor. they've always had money or someone to prop them up. there has never been, nor will there ever be in his life, a fear of literally being out on the street, or having to live in his car or a motel or something. his culture would never allow for that, and someone he knows would take him in. that is something that makes us so different - we will never be able to relate on that level.

i'm sorry, i digress. all of that to say that boss was going nuts about this card his wife opened because it would lower his credit score, and he is relying on the money he gets from refinancing a house he just bought to pay off one of his high balance credit cards (refi needs good credit for good rate). this card was 0% interest for 18 months or something so he had transferred the balance of another card to it with the intent of paying it off before the period was up. that didn't happen, then he just kept charging stuff willy nilly, and now it's like fucking 16% on over $30k. naturally he's freaking out because like i said, he has no money in cash so he's struggling to pay the minimums on this and his other shit.

so like, not only is his credit going to take a ding for this, but also he handed me the bill to look at. he was like oh, how could you have missed this one? and i said i didn't miss it, you just told me about it earlier so i thought you and mrs. boss had already discussed it. he's like oh, no. i have to pay it. take a look at how much it is.

yo, his kid did like 1 course of SAT prep and that shit was FOUR THOUSAND dollars!?? he was trying to get me to tutor his son because he knows my background in education, but honestly i never studied for my own SAT, then it changed in the 20 years since i took it because i'm old, so i'm not even familiar with it anymore, and i didn't feel like putting all that time into learning it. he was like oh i'll pay you, and i said i know you will, but i'm just not down for all that. i really could have made some serious bank from this looking back on it, but i don't really regret it.

but wow, the prices these places charge. and they pay their tutors hilariously badly for the qualifications they require to be employed there. unbelievable.

so then i look further down the page and i really didn't mean to start a fight, but when i saw the APR was 26.5%!! i was like "holy shit, did you fucking see this?" we had just been talking about balance transfers so my genuine intention was to show him so he could transfer it to another 0% card he was opening. then he was like no, now i can't close it because if i do it'll also look bad on my credit report. but if i don't it's fucking 26.5%. and then he started getting really mad at his wife for doing it without asking him, and then he decided to call her and yell at her.

after this, he started going on this rant about how no one in his family loves him or gives a shit about him, they just see him as mr. endless moneybags, there to work and kill himself for them.

and i mean, he's right. from what i've witnessed, they do. except for his middle child who supports himself, but who also keeps to himself. but the thing is that it's this terrible circle. his dad has this same shitty attitude, and he taught it to his son. all boss's dad cares about or talks about is money and how you should "live to work." i believe literally the complete opposite so it's tough to relate to him sometimes. but boss lived his life like this too, so he's always been that guy who is never home, never sees his family, married only out of duty to his parents who "wanted grandchildren" and his wife seemed good enough at the time. he is the definition of that miserable guy. so everything he thinks about his family is true, because he married a woman who only wanted him for the lifestyle he promised her, and raised his kids the same way. he never gave them anything of himself except for money and material things and a classy looking lifestyle, because that's all that his father taught him was important in life. why does he expect them to now see him any differently?

i can be pretty confrontational and "talk hard" to people as my dad loves to put it, but he was really down today so i didn't push. so instead i said, have you ever like, calmly (he freaks out at the drop of a hat) sat your family down and explained that everything they see is not what they think it is? like have you ever explained to them what is really going on? and he starts going on about how they won't care, they don't give a fuck about him. and i'm like okay, so have you ever explained it to them. and he said no, and tried to change the subject, but i said i think you should at least try to make them understand that some things just can't maintain. so at least you're all on the same page and you aren't just sitting here feeling angry that they don't get it.

i think it is considered really shameful in his culture for the man to be seen as weak or as a poor provider. i don't know for sure, but that is the impression i'm getting from this, and from the things his dad has said to me. he spends a lot of time lashing out at his family for their wild spending, most of the time behind their backs, except for his wife who he openly yells at. but he never just says no. i know how hard it is to say no, especially when you're dealing with feelings of shame that you're a failure and how could you have let it get this far. but you have to start somewhere. you can't just keep digging that hole, expecting it to magically fill itself in.

but i also wanted to tell him, you know, this is your family. these people are supposed to love you. if you are vulnerable with them and tell them you need everyone to be in on this, they'll either agree and it will hopefully help your situation and make you closer, or they'll show themselves to really be as shitty as you are imagining and you can move forward accordingly. but inaction is not benefiting you or them in any way.

if he's in a better mood tomorrow i would like to tell him those things. he spends a lot of time being resentful and frustrated by his family but i wonder if they even know why. why not get it out in the open? you guys are already miserable and hate each other so what would change except for the better?

i just want to say that one of the best things that this boy shit made me learn was that credit is not all it's cracked up to be. it's nice to have credit cards, and be able to get a mortgage, and buy a new car and all of that shit, but anything can happen. it's scary to be juggling all of those things and then you're faced with a situation where no money is coming in. it's terrifying to think of losing everything you have. trust me, i know. the fear is paralyzing. but i can't imagine being in boss's situation, with not only himself but all of these other family members to worry about. his sister, DR's mother, is absolutely insane but is also disabled now due to a bad surgery. so boss and his dad are pretty much keeping her afloat. it's all fucked up.

wow, i didn't mean to go so far with this but that's me. i just want the best thing for everyone and this is like, a near daily conversation in my life.

alright, well. i'm roasting some brussels sprouts, going to hang out with best friend tomorrow and get some good food. everything over here is great as usual. TS randomly brought me over some spaghetti squash (HUGE ones!!) a couple hours ago so i'm going to look up some eggplant recipes to go with it. i used to hate eggplant and olives but randomly like 10ish years ago i suddenly started loving olives and capers, and just a few years ago i started loving eggplant. i keep trying things that i don't like in hopes that the same thing will happen with them one day, haha.