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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
oct 4, 5, 7.
2019-10-06 @ 4:57 p.m.
friday: best friend gave me some legit product yesterday, like straight from the disp, and it's amazing. i was texting my brother about it and said that the difference between the regular street shit i get from TS and this is like putting a mcd's burger next to one you'd get from some hipster brewery. i mean there's just no competition. they evaluate your personal conditions and suggest to you the perfect strains. the effects she described were exactly as described. she has also always had several conditions that are kind of noticeable and are always commented on by rude people. (it's one thing to be curious but another to point at a stranger and say "why do you [x] so weird?") but she says this helps her. like for the first time to find something to help with this? it's so amazing. i'm off of my antidepressant and blood pressure medication because of it and i feel the best i ever have in my life. i started going on a political rant just then but i deleted it. in conclusion, just fucking legalize already please. it's changing people's lives for the better. the real reason i'm writing is because JC was like "i want you to be there when i tell him" today, so he wrapped up most of his major projects and at the very end of the day, he was like "hey i need to talk to you," and boss looks at me like wtf. so we go in and he just says "this is me putting in my two weeks. it's not working out." and boss was like "yeah no shit." haha. but it was super brief and he was just like you know i'll wrap it up with my customers, get my stuff out of here, and i'm starting at the new place in two weeks. boss was being pretty fucking rude saying, "you ruined this," "you killed this." and JC was just like yeah whatever, it's in the past now. and boss was like yeah that's cool, but you still need to pay me back all the money you owe me. between personal loans to JC and money JC let out on the street (by ordering parts and supplies on boss's account, pocketing the money from his work, saying he'll pay boss back on the stuff he ordered and then never paying him back). so i think at first boss was relieved. he was so excited, telling everyone the news, telling everyone how little he cared and that he knew it was coming. he had no idea it was coming, i told him last week that i thought "[JC] has one foot out the door" because he had said something to me about "when this is all over." i found it kind of ominous at first but decided it sounded like a person who already had a concrete timeline in their head for what was to come. once JC told me yesterday i knew my instincts were correct, but of course, i didn't tell boss, as i promised. then the last hour happened and everyone went home and boss and i were in our office alone and he was kind of ... shellshocked. i think the realization was settling over him that yeah, he really doesn't have anyone to fill JC's place. like not even a little bit. we have a new guy, MZ who is smart and can probably take over but he's super weird and unreliable. AL tries really hard but he can barely speak english or use a computer. we can't. so then boss was just rattling off all of this crazy shit and possibilities and closing the new place and etc. etc. most of my craft supplies and furniture from my house are there so i thought this would be a good time to tell him my plans of renting a storage unit (he had previously mentioned that he wanted to get one, a few months ago i guess) and putting my stuff and a desk in there so i can run my business again. he started asking me a bunch of questions and we were talking it out and i said essentially, i love my apartment but i need one extra room (temp controlled!) to be able to do this. where can we find that. so being the amazing person he is, he first asked in a panic, "you're still going to be working for me though right!??" and then once assured that yes, i'm in it for the long run, he told me to let him sleep on it and we'd try to figure something out. so i'm pretty excited about that. i'm taking the steps toward the things i want. once i get everything out and can take full inventory and start selling the things i have ready-made, i can make the capital i need to buy new supplies for the other venture (i have some of the stuff i need already but some of it is perishable and has expired). then i'll be able to finance some of the web projects i've been planning, make enough to register my llc, be able to wholesale and sell at bigger events if i want to. i want to see my name and my work in print again. i was almost there once so i know i can do it again. i'm so excited about everything coming. -- saturday: i don't know why i didn't post this last night (friday night) but i did not. so i went out on my adventure today and it was just wonderful. i thought only good thoughts, only good thoughts. i remember thinking, this is what calm is. my brain did not have 1000 wild thoughts ricocheting around, i didn't think of boy, i listened to the quiet sound of the woods. the leaves have not begun to change yet but i'm going to try again in two weeks. i want to get some great photos. my playlist was perfect and i got back just as the sun was setting to my last album, and had time to go grocery shopping too. i stopped at the specialty mart on the way back to my house, where i needed to stop and check to see if i needed milk and cream since they didn't have them at the specialty place. i pulled up in the driveway and saw boss and ER were still at work so i filled the fridge and went outside to go see them. they were telling me their plans now that JC is leaving and how they can't imagine he is going to last. they speculated on MZ taking charge. boss actually took a day off. all is good. we all left and i was getting in the car to go to the regular grocery store for the milk and cream and boss called me to stop back by the office to make sure it was locked. i did and called him back to confirm that yes, he locked up. he said great. then he wanted to know my timeline for my business aspirations and said he'd been thinking about my needs and just couldn't think of anything better right now so he's going to give me an extra $$ a week to rent a storage unit "because i want you to succeed." this guy is so great. he makes me WANT to succeed. not only for myself, but for him for being genuine. it's not the snarky, "good luck with that" kind of chuckling encouragement i have always received from my shitty family. this guy wants to help me get there because i want to help him get there. what a blessing in my life to meet someone like him. truly. -- so now it's monday! why do i keep doing it! especially because i was pretty much done the other night! now i have to add what happened today. so over the weekend boss was (rightly so) freaking out about the JC leaving situation. like he finally realized the reality of it, and also finally realized that instead of closing down his stores which he's put a lot of time and effort into, he needs to get better employees. so MZ was extremely late today for some kind of bullshit reason (he's always like oversleeping, or misplaced his phone so he had to take the day off, or was feeling sick) and boss took him outside to yell at him. normally i think boss's anger is way "over the top," to use his own annoying expression on him. he just loses it over the most insignificant things (someone misplaced his keys) but does nothing when major shit happens (JC caught red-handed stealing $100). but anyway, he's so stressed about this JC situation, and over the weekend we talked about asking if MZ was interested in stepping up and becoming the new JC. but then MZ ended up being so late today and boss was like fuck, this guy is going to blow this opportunity because he's too irresponsible and we're all going to be fucked. that's what made him snap on MZ. two things i'd like to discuss here. #1 i am so interested lately in the number of grown ass adults who are irresponsible like this. like, when you're younger you always know people like this, or you hear about people like this. when you're 17 it's like, just another day when someone calls out of work repeatedly, or is constantly late, or makes goofy but sometimes serious mistakes. but as you get older and older, and see people around you who are 35, 40, 50 years old and are still doing this shit, it's kind of mind-boggling. these are grown adults with homes and children. it's just like the shit i was writing about MS a week or two ago. these people go around and their lives are in chaos because they can't consistently wake up and arrive at work and behave reasonably. and i don't say that in a way to denigrate these people whatsoever, because i am one of those people. when i was teaching and i was so depressed and my insomnia was at its peak, i was barely proficient at those things. i totally totally get it. what i'm saying is, there are a LOT of people out there struggling. on a daily basis, i am literally fucking shook at how there is a very sizable number of our population struggling on this level. i said to boss as we were discussing what MZ's "deal" is (boss was speculating that he has a secret drug problem or something), it's interesting how it's true that there aren't a whole lot of jobs out there, but there are a lot of people like this. just for whatever reason, they can't "get it together" well enough to succeed. i get it. it's a fear of mine now that i'm going to start my business again. what if i can't maintain? what if i fizzle out? but i think i have a lot of things now that i didn't then. we'll see. the #2 thing i wanted to talk about was the actual outcome of the situation. it was essentially, "we'll see." that was the theme of the day. after boss yelled at MZ for being super unreliable so far (he's only been working here for like 3 weeks? maybe a month?), he said he was only blowing up because he knows how fucking intelligent and capable he clearly is, but he doesn't seem like he's taking the job seriously at all. so MZ said he would get better and things will be different. we'll see. my money is on him calling out tomorrow. it's just the kind of thing he would do. but i hope he doesn't. i like him a lot, he's super low key. so anyway, that's all from me, my loves. i fucked up and forgot to buy olive oil today so i can't cook tonight. tomorrow it is! salmon with a shiitake and spinach cream sauce and roasted fingerlings with parm (probably), and then an eggplant and olive and tomato something to go with the spaghetti squash. maybe italian, maybe middle eastern, i still haven't decided yet. either way, can't wait. bye! |