tinea:any of a number of infectious diseases

�what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux

"i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes

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on getting me.

2020-01-23 @ 3:48 p.m.

today, this morning actually, i was having a lot of thoughts about "knowing" someone. in this case, me.

it started as a bit of anxiety about the project with best friend, and i was worried about how she was feeling about my part in this, and i was worried that i move too slowly for her, but then i realized that she knows me so well, she has already accounted for this stuff. she knows me, she knows how i am.

and then that thought led to one about how boss knows me just as well, like he gets me and how i tick. i don't make any sense to him, it's like we're aliens to each other, but we both fully understand the other. i get "how he is" and he gets "how i am" and he accepts that about me, just like best friend.

the other day when i was writing about how i'm drawn and attracted to (not necessarily romantically, i mean as a personality type) high-energy, highly driven people, i thought about how people with this type of personality can have a high tendency toward narcissism, which makes a lot of sense considering my background. and it all makes a lot of sense. best friend is this way, and in her younger years before she got healthy, she skewed kind of manipulative and diabolical. now, she's a lot more considerate and patient and easier to "handle." boss is also this way, but he's so sweet and kind hearted (for the most part) that we groove perfectly together.

boy was the extreme other end of the spectrum from boss. purely out for number one, and that's all there is to say about his entire personality and drive. he will step on anyone in his way, no matter who or what, and have no conscience whatsoever about what happens to those in his wake. i always thought boy knew me, and i even remember writing a few times about how well he knew me and how sweet i thought it was. and he kind of did, i will admit. but what separates him from boss and best friend is that boy used this information to take advantage of me. he knew me and my nature so well that he knew just what to say to keep me from questioning him, to keep me from arguing with him when he knew he was wrong. he knew just how long and how far to take it before i would break. and now, looking back, i think he broke up with me the way he did because he knew i am the kind of person who is kind and forgiving and patient and willing to see the person under the outer flaws. i think all of his absolutely terrible behavior in the weeks leading up to it were to see if i would just tell him to fuck off because he was horrible, but he knew i wasn't like that, so he just abruptly pulled the rug out from under me and disappeared.

according to all of the research on these people, after they discard you, they will come back. it is inevitable. it's what happened the first time around with us back in high school, where he betrayed me, lied to me, and ghosted me. that's his MO, why change? and it always seems to work! mark my words here: within the next 10 years i will hear from him, and he will act like nothing happened, like he forgot it all and let's just move on. it worked on me the first time.

he doesn't know me well enough to know that it won't work again. fool me twice, shame on me.

best friend called me a little while ago to tell me about some testing she's been doing and she said she knows i don't like to be disturbed on sunday so she'll wait until the week to drop by. i thanked her for respecting that. a lot of people don't think i'm being serious about it, but she knows me. she really does.

i am so thankful for the people who accept me, as peculiar as i am. bless them.

and bless my little baby boy, wherever he is. he really knew me too. i miss so much feeling him jump on my chest when i'd fall asleep on the couch, feeling his little paw tapping me on the shoulder while i sat on the computer so i'd turn to look at him, and he could melt into my arms. i miss him all the time. i still for a moment think it's him every time i see a shadow out of the corner of my eye. what an amazing little boy. i was lucky to have the time that we had together.