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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
just shy of two months.
2020-04-24 @ 4:28 p.m.
just another tiny post checking in. i'm still here, still hiding in my house. once again i am going to hope that the weather is nice tomorrow, since we are now closed on saturdays until further notice, so i am desperate to get out for a day and not feel guilty about it. we'll see. work gets worse by the day. and by "work," i mean everything related to it. it's all fucked up. work, the place, is struggling. it was already struggling but we have like 1-3 customers a day now. 3 in a day is really something to write home about these days. boss is freaking out, which is completely understandable. we applied for that small business loan that would cover employee pay for a few months but the terms were so up in the air that boss got scared and withdrew it. the way he described the conversation with the loan officer, it sounded like it would only be forgivable in certain circumstances, and if the info we submitted on the application was 100% accurate and correct and there were absolutely no discrepancies. he didn't want to take the risk and possible additional debt at a time like this so he bailed out. work, as in my job, has dried up significantly. there's just not a lot that i can do. when it comes to stuff i can still do, paying the bills for example, boss doesn't want me to because we're broke. no new inventory is coming in, no wholesale stuff is coming in, hardly any customer leads are coming in. i tell boss every day that i have nothing to do but he is content to pay me to just be available whenever he needs me so i can't really complain. i feel guilty about taking his money at a time like this, but again, he is fully informed and still chooses to pay me above and beyond what i am actually accomplishing each day, so ...? anyway. it's been raining nonstop here. we'll get a day or two where it's absolutely gorgeous and amazing but it'll be a wednesday or a monday or some stupid day that i can't enjoy it. i really don't mind the rain right now to be honest ... though it's a little depressing, it's nice to be all bundled up in my home with mr. big in my lap, and man, do i sleep like a baby. but i just want one sunny saturday where i can escape to nature with some music and daydream about the day things are better. i feel guilty that things are relatively pretty good for me when they're so bad for others. my job is guaranteed, i have the luxury of working from home, and have lost only about 10 hours a week. i am really lucky, and really really thankful that this is my life now. i can't stop thinking about what it would be like if boy and i were still together. it'll start with a little shitty thing i'll remember about him, then suddenly it chains out into a "holy shit, i'm so fucking lucky i made it out." ... there's so much i want to say here but i'm technically still at work so i'm not going to let myself get sucked down that rabbit hole just yet. but the general theme of my thoughts has been, "it's amazing how much you will put up with when you love someone." then i realize that it applies to family as well as our partners, and there's just so much to say. that's why i'm not even going to get into it right now. to end on a happy note, mr. big snuggles just came out from the bedroom to say hello. anytime he enters a room that i'm in, he screams at me a little, and every time it is the cutest thing ever. he's so huge and his voice is like a baby kitten's. he is an excellent buddy and a great bug hunter! last night one of "them" (a bug so horrible that i will not even say it's name, like fucking voldemort) ran across my couch, and then INTO the couch. naturally i screamed and tore my entire couch apart and vacuumed the entire thing, every crack, but i'm sure it was already gone by the time i got the cord plugged in. all night i was on edge, looking over my shoulder, sure that every single itch or tingle i felt was "it" crawling over me. this morning i woke up and saw that mr. big had caught and absolutely eviscerated this thing during the night. excellent job, my friend. i'll save you a couple extra drops of milk tonight :) ok well, that's it. there is genuinely nothing interesting to report here. i've barely left the house in two months, so i've just been cooking, eating, sleeping, working, gaming. and petting my cat. that's it. if only life could always be this simple after it's all over. if it's ever over. gonna order a pizza i guess. love ya. |