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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
mom.
2021-08-05 @ 9:04 p.m.
i have so much to say and so much time has passed but i've gotten into that thing where i'm just anxious about catching it all up now, haha. like i don't even remember everything that has happened. first, and most importantly, i lost my grandmother. no one could believe it. i was in shock for days, depressed for months. to be honest, i still kind of feel pretty depressed about it now. you know, you hear from people and you read books and there is always the description of the heartbreak, and how it is just ... indescribable, really. "heart-wrenching." that's the only way to describe it. i've known it was going to happen. she almost made it to 100. i've known for at least 15 years that the time was nigh, and once someone hits 90 you know that anything is possible. she survived so much in the past year and a half, toughest woman i have ever met in my life. and one night, she just quietly slipped away. it's so hard to even type this but honestly i hope that i will go so gently, and so loved by everybody. i had her for nearly 40 years so instead of being sad, i really felt thankful. the thing i was struggling so much to articulate in my mind was why this has shaken me so much, and i realized it was because i feel kind of ... lost without her. like, for the first time in my life i truly feel alone in the world. she was my real mother. not like, biologically. i mean, she raised me. she was the one who was there for me through everything. when i was in a play at school, when parents were invited into class, when i got my first period, when anything happened. my mom was so checked out that i don't even really remember her being around much until she and my stepdad built our house and we moved out. (i remember begging my mom to let me stay living at my grandmother's house, but she wouldn't allow it.) but also, and i think most importantly to me, my grandmother was the only person in my life who ever acknowledged my mother's behavior toward me. this was a big one in helping me understand my grief. she was the only one who ever acknowledged it, and the only one who ever criticized her for it. she was the ONLY one who ever stood up for me. my mother's favorite line has always been, "you're on your own," said with a sneer of derision. and when it really sank in that my grandmother was gone, that's all i could hear over and over again. yeah, i really am on my own now. she was always proud of me. she always told me that i was beautiful and smart and could do anything. she had so much faith in me and always told me she loved me every time i talked to her. she listened to me when i talked to her, knew all of my friends and interests. even if she disagreed with me, she never put me down. she never ever put me down, she never told me she didn't like me, even as weird as i am, and as much as she hated tattoos and hated cats she would sit and ask me to show her photos of my cats and everything i was doing. she was my mom. she loved me and took care of me and was the only normal parent i have ever known. i've spent a lot of time talking with my brother about our family (because some really weird shit came up as a result of this as well), and i realized that the two of us had completely different childhood experiences, which is why it has been a lot easier for him to forgive our parents for our shitty childhood. and while yes, he was also raised by our grandmother, he was quite young when we moved out. my grandmother was my mom until i was 12, and my only advocate all these years, until now. it is so incredibly hard. it's hard, but i'm out there functioning, mostly. i stayed working from home because it has been working wonders for my attention, organization, budget, diet, etc. but i'm not depressed laying in bed or anything. i just have a lot of days that i still cry. she is such a part of me that i think about her 100 times a day, just doing anything, because she is the one who taught me to do everything. for my birthday, i asked my mother if she'd go in with me on an airbnb so my brother and SIL and i could spend some quiet time together. she agreed because it would also be a good chance for us to kind of get away from this, and do a happy and peaceful thing after all the sadness. i went in hard on planning this thing, and we all waited excitedly for the day to come. i asked my granny if she would bless us with some good weather, and she heard me. it was beautiful, the entire vacation was incredible and perfect. we were all so happy and i felt so spiritually energized. i don't think we don't really die, we just become something else, something different, but always still there. everything is connected, and i will see her again somehow, someday. other than that, everything is the same. everything is good. you know, it all happened so suddenly and of course i'm devastated, but i was so thankful that it happened now. at a time when i have my shit together, i am fairly emotionally stable, i am happy and have a good support system. perhaps it's just me trying to put meaning on a random occurrence, but i honestly felt like she knew i would be okay now. so many times when i was at my most suicidal, i would talk myself down by saying i can't, it would kill her. for so many years, my love for her (or was it her love for me?) kept me here. but maybe ... i hung on for her and she hung on for me. it may be a stretch but i like to believe the universe isn't as random as we think. what else. while we were on vacation i was talking about how i have no interest in dating in the foreseeable future - like, i just have no additional emotional energy for anything, and especially anybody, at the moment. and my brother randomly said that the only person he would approve of me dating/marrying is my guy friend (i don't know what i'll call him yet but he's my only "close" guy friend at the moment). i said it was hilarious that he said that, because i had been thinking about guy friend a lot lately. he and i lost touch like ... 5 years ago? right when things with boy were at their worst. boy was deep in his bullshit and kept accusing me of cheating on him (which i now know to be projection), and one day saw me emailing guy friend and got all bent out of shape (he and i would exchange these long emails every other month or so since he moved overseas). he was like "why are you emailing him shit like this?" we literally would just talk about movies and what was going on in our lives, random musings on politics and local culture, etc. i have never been attracted to, nor have never been physical with, guy friend. but boy couldn't comprehend that two people can just know each other for a long time and have common interests and be friends, so i didn't reply to guy friend's last message and haven't talked to him in years. it was funny that my brother mentioned him out of nowhere because guy friend still appears in my dreams sometimes, even though i haven't seen him in so long. always happy dreams where i am celebrating, warm sunny days, in places that feel comfortable and like home. it made me realize that i need to reach back out to him and apologize for disappearing for no reason like an asshole, and hope that he doesn't hate me for it. i've always felt so connected to him, so drawn to him. every time we get together to have lunch we always end up spending the whole rest of the day together talking. i really miss him in my life and i've begun to realize that i need to keep kindred spirits near me. the universe is trying to tell me that he is important to my story somehow, so i am going to listen. anyway. it's getting late as hell and i really wanted to do some gaming before i go to bed so hopefully i'll come back another day to talk some more. it's weird when you are away from here for a long time and come back and so much has changed in people's lives. and then some of us never come back, for whatever reason. anyone here who has been reading me for years knows me better than anyone in my real life does. isn't that weird? all of this makes you kind of start thinking about what and who you will leave behind. all of you reading here, who know absolutely every corner of my psyche, but who have never seen me or heard my voice. and then there are all of the people in my life who have lived with me and shared a home with me for years, but who don't know the first thing about me - my feelings, my motivations, my fears. i wonder if they'll find their way here when i die and finally get to know the ghost that walked among them for so many years? or will my secrets die with me? or worse yet, will i outlive this place, and one day come to find all of you gone, too, and none of us will ever know the others' fates? wow sorry to end on such a downer note, i smoked a lot of weed before i started writing and it makes me get a little too philosophical or something. anyway, i'm sorry i didn't proofread this but i'm just going for it. my s key is a little bit broken so i apologize in advance if i'm missing a bunch of them. i just needed to get all this out. <3 you and hope everyone is okay! |