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“what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.” - andré malraux

"i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes


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good thoughts, bad thoughts.
2020-10-27 @ 8:25 p.m.

i don't even remember what crazy shit i wrote about last time. i know it was about my mom and this new phase of insanity that my life has passed into. once again i'm just breezing through real quick because i'm just like ... tired.

i'm tired, man. like i thought i'd get older and i'd move out and i'd get out of that abusive relationship and i'd finally get a job i liked and the life i wanted and it would be amazing. and it mostly is, except for my fucking parents.

i talked to best friend a week? or so ago (i don't even know time anymore) and of course she asked how things were and i just couldn't even restrain it all from just bubbling up and spilling over. i was like yo, these people just keep getting worse and worse. i don't even know what to do anymore. and she said you know, have you ever considered just ... not talking to them anymore?

and, yeah, of course i have, but i can't. most importantly, because my brother would never, and we need to be a united front. but also ... because i just can't.

it's hard watching my family fragment so rapidly, watching the house i grew up in get cleaned out and sold so quickly, knowing my parents (as awful as they are) are moving away and going about their lives without us, as they've always wanted. somewhere deep inside of me there's this tiny little candle, still lit in hopes that one day our relationship will just be fucking normal. i know it never will be, but don't we all have these irrational thoughts? maybe if i wish hard enough, it'll come true. maybe this time, it'll be different. i love them because they are my parents. now that we're all getting older, i think about when they're gone. but i wonder, will i miss them? or will i just be sad that now my fantasy will never come true?

i think about my mother dying, and i feel so guilty that the thought comes with 50% relief. i have always tried to be the good daughter and make her proud. up until a couple of years ago, every single move that i made in my life was an effort to gain her approval. it has been an absolutely exhausting ordeal resulting in a nearly 40 year old person who barely knows herself. she tore me down so relentlessly that i never learned how to emote. i've never known how i feel, and i've never been able to explain it or tell anyone. i have never felt like i belonged amongst everyone else. i've always felt strange and different and alone.

when the pressure of her judgement is gone, what will it be like? will i finally allow myself to come alive? do i even know how to?

both my brother and best friend said you know, you've been free of her for several years now. you rely on her for absolutely nothing. and they're right. but even now, i feel like the fucking eye of sauron is still just a quick peek out from between the blinds.

i wish more people talked about this stuff - dealing with aging and death in dysfunctional families. people don't like to talk about aging and death in general, and i've read countless rddt threads about how lonely and isolating and hard it is to go through this with a loved parent. but what about going through it with your abuser(s)?

i started writing a really long entry about a week or two after i posted the last one but i stopped, because i was so upset. once again i was just trying to have a casual conversation with my mother but she was in one of those moods that quickly turned her nasty and unreasonable. she got mad and cut the call short and wouldn't talk to me for about two weeks - until a couple days ago. i just remember thinking during those two weeks: really? she's really giving me the silent treatment over this? then, yeah, she is. then i texted my brother and said something like "lol mom won't talk to me because of [x]." then as more time went on i was like wow, this is kind of nice. but i also kind of just wanted to have a pleasant conversation with my fucking mom, you know? like why can't we just do that?? i guess she felt the same way too, but being herself, she wouldn't apologize or acknowledge that she had been an asshole, and just called me casually out of the blue like nothing had happened. and i just played along, because that's what you learn to do to get by and "keep the peace."

i saw some dude on insta said something about how he's always biting his tongue to "keep the peace" and his therapist said "yeah but what about the peace in you?" or something to that effect.

that shit really got me, because i just keep drinking this poison because at this point i don't know if i can live without it. the thought makes me sick when i put it like that but what else can you call it?


man i hate to be such a fart but that's just my life i guess. that's how it's fucking going. and i need to remember this shit because my brain can't do it on its own.

i'm going to do some shrooms soon, microdoses, to see if they help me at all. i wouldn't say i'm depressed right now but i'm stressed about the state of the country/world and my family and there's a lot of literature suggesting they would be helpful. and my brother, who has done just about every drug, told me he thinks it would be beneficial too. i keep reading that they can help you see outside of your own perspective, and kind of unlock things in your mind and memory that you might have lost track of.

i originally read about this on the cptsd sub where someone described how it helped them recall traumas that they had forgotten about, and even though it was painful and emotionally draining, it helped them to objectively process what happened, kind of from a distance. that sounds great to me, because i honestly have been feeling somewhat ... held back? i guess? and i know it's ME holding myself back. i am nothing if not self-doubt. so i hope to maybe understand myself a little bit better.

and if that doesn't help me, then i'm going to look into seeing a trauma therapist. my previous one was great, and she gave me some basic tools, but over time i have become able to narrow down what i need to focus on a lot more precisely.

i also didn't realize until recently, when i was thinking about asking PM if he wanted to go on a little day trip with me, how afraid i am of letting anyone get remotely close to me. i was trying to imagine the day, whether i had enough social battery to go through with it, and i became terrified that he might touch me. i've always been like that (so awkward when someone you're friends with taps your arm during a conversation and you involuntarily jump and tense up) but now, after learning about how incredibly abusive boy was sexually, and just ... after all that, i realize i will have to go through the shitty conversation at some point and explain this to PM. or whatever dude i may be interested in in the future. of course i could keep it to myself (and slowly die inside because i've never been allowed to be truly open and honest in a relationship and this will make me extremely uncomfortable physically as well as mentally), but that's a crappy way to start any kind of relationship.

and i'm not talking about sexual touching or anything, i'm talking about just being too close to someone. someone putting their arm around me. hugs.

after boy, all of this became so uncomfortable for me, so much more than it had been. i've never really been the recipient of much "good" touch, so i've kind of just stopped wanting any at all. i remember so many moments of what i thought were loving embraces with boy ... but knowing it was all a lie makes me feel so fucking violated. and interspersed in there, the times when i would hug him and he would just stand there, not reciprocating, just standing there like i statue while i awkwardly embraced him. just giving me absolutely nothing, then later on whining and needling me to blow him (and i'd better be enthusiastic about it!). and the things he did to me in the last months we were together ... i wish that i could express how absolutely dehumanizing it was sometimes.

yeah, so stuff like that. when i see PM and he casually says, "you should have texted me!" all of that flashes through me, and i just freeze up because it's too much. all the time, it's too much. i don't know how to say it or when to say it or even if i should say it but it's such a big deal to me that i can't imagine not saying it early. so i say nothing, and sit here alone, because alone is so much safer.

i wish i didn't sound so miserable, damn. i should have written the weekend before last, after i went out exploring. it was so incredible and inspirational. all day i felt like i was in this little bubble of paradise. perfect weather, the beauty of this amazing state at this time of year. the quiet, the sun, the sky. it was just what i needed, and i think i'm going to try to get some more this weekend.

the trees don't judge me, and i am safe with them. my mother has always said that she found me in the woods behind the hospital. she loves to tell people i'm not really her daughter. and when i go out into the middle of nowhere, and the sun shines through the leaves, and it is absolutely silent except for the sound of my tires gently crunching along the road, and the birds and the whispers and sighs of the forest, i always think "you know mom, you were right. i certainly came from somewhere out here."

no proofreading tonight, just thought vomit. sorry. <3 stay safe out there