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“what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.” - andré malraux

"i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes

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surprise night out.
2019-10-09 @ 12:38 p.m.


haha omg so last night i went out with PM!

it just happened so abruptly and i just went with it. i went over to do a transaction for work, and asked if he had seen a certain new movie yet. he said no, have you? and i said not yet! and he's just like, okay, wanna go? and i was like absolutely yes! so he gave me his number and i texted him immediately and we bought tickets and went after work (i had an early day yesterday).

it was great! i was kind of super nervous because we had kind of never defined the evening and i spontaneously asked him if he wanted to go eat afterwards, which made me panic that shit, i accidentally made this datey. but i was like whatever man, let me just do what feels natural and be in the moment and stop it. whatever happens happens.

so as per best friend's advice, i didn't mention my "complicated" backstory until he asked. i said that it was a "long, bad situation," and he was like, you can't just leave it at that. and i said okay, it was a long, bad relationship with someone who was lifetime movie level insane, which ended up ruining my life and causing me to move here. and again, he was like ..... and i said, do you really want this? because it's a lot. and he was like yeah, we've got all night. so i told him just a general outline of it and at the end he was like holy shit, okay. and i was like yeah, so i'm still kind of a little insane from all that. he understood and we continued talking until the place was closing around us, and then for another hour and a half outside.

it was feeling like ... really datey at that point so i kind of awkwardly said you know, i always wanted to ask you to do something with me but like casually? because i'm not really "dating" right now, because of all that. and he said how long has it been, and i said just about 2 years, but i am still really angry about it and just ... not ready, you know? so i think he got what i meant and we kept on chatting on and he didn't seem weird or anything so it was really great.

i got home late and felt great. i hope he didn't think i was/am too weird but if he did, what can i do. i have decided that i don't want any relationships anytime soon anyway. so everything will just be what it already is.

it was interesting, while we chatted outside, kind of near the end, we were talking about our fucked up families and the crazy shit that happened. i mentioned how i had been thinking a lot lately about how fucked up a lot of people are out there. how i felt like i was an absolute mess, but there are so many other adults in the same or worse positions. and he started telling me about one of this brothers, and his coworker who i had really liked (transferred), and how you can't even imagine what is going on with people who appear "normal" and have respectable jobs. the takeaway was sort of just, hey, keep doing your best. can't do anything about the past now except press on.

in conclusion, it was a great night. letting my guard down a little felt good, not terrifying. as i fell asleep i was comparing this interaction to my first date with boy (as adults). looking back on it now, boy felt so artificial. he was "charming." charming as a verb. he was charming me with his sugary sweetness. now, after many years of experience and the brilliance of hindsight, i know the difference between when boy was being himself and when he was "putting on a show" for someone for whatever reason. just like my mother. i didn't feel that from PM. he was charming in a different way - a cute, authentic awkwardness. someone unrehearsed.

a strange thing, though. i had a great time but i had these little pangs of guilt when boss would pop into my mind. our unusual relationship. sometimes i felt like i was betraying him, a little bit. i know that i'm not, really, realistically. but i also know i didn't tell him i was going out with PM because ... it would hurt him a little. especially if it's someone he sees fairly regularly. so, i think this is going to have to be one of those things that i keep to myself. i'm not trying to relationship anyway so it's not like it will really come up. we'll see.

anyway, so i'm enjoying a rainy day off. i've spent it cleaning, writing this, and watching ytbe videos. going to cook soon. it's pretty chilly outside and my cat is snuggled up on my bed. everything is good and i am happy.