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“what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.” - andré malraux
"i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes
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2018-09-17 @ 9:15 p.m.
the trip was absolutely amazing.
a few days before we left, i wrote up this huge angry entry about how SIL wasn't really doing much to help plan for it, but i didn't post it because i felt like i was just being a dick, and also i wasn't planning on expressing my aggravation with anyone because i felt it was unproductive, so i just wrote it and let it go. it felt good to get it out of my system, then we were on our way.
as i said, it was amazing. the weather was amazing, the company was amazing, every single thing we did was awesome and fun and all of the food was great. it was one of those perfect little vacations where there was no traffic, every item on our itinerary lined up and worked out perfectly.
we had some really great talks on the porch at night, all of us a little drunk and too candid, and my brother and i were told how everyone is so impressed we turned out so well, considering our parents. it felt so good to hear that everyone knew how fucked up my mom was (well, IS) and how much she dropped the ball raising us. it feels good to hear someone acknowledge that it wasn't us being shitty kids or shitty people, we were just shortchanged and did our best, and are still doing so, with or without them.
it felt so good to be loved and spend such a good time with my favorite people on this earth.
in the just over a year that has elapsed since boy so unceremoniously disappeared from my life, i have done so many things, gone so many places, had so many experiences, shared so many talks and so much love and just opened myself and my heart to people again.
i was saying recently (i can't remember if i wrote about it?) to my brother and my therapist that it seems like it was so long ago in some ways, yet in other ways it just feels like it happened yesterday. and i couldn't really articulate the feelings really well at the time, but i understand it a little better now.
i feel that i've done more in this past year than i did in the last 5 years with boy. i also feel that my life is significantly richer.
he was super irresponsible with money, and also super materialistic. every day he would come home from work, shower/masturbate for literally 2 hours, fuck me for about an hour, then go downstairs and eat and sit on amzn for the entire rest of the evening. he did nothing else but shop, even though we didn't have the money. for the first probably ... 2 years of the relationship we went places and were out and about fairly often. then it became only about three times a year, and it was always to get tattoos and visit my dad. it frustrated me so much because he told me how much he loved to do all different kinds of things, which were all things that i was into, and he LOVED to tell me all the time how "we never do anything!" but when it came down to actually doing something, he never really wanted to. he always wanted to just lay around and smoke weed and have sex and have netflx on in the background while he shopped amzn. that's cool, i love those things too. but this was his preference, though he'd never admit it. he would instead spend all of our money on random items that he would sometimes not even take out of the box, leaving them to clutter up my house. if he didn't shoot down my suggestions for activities on the basis of us being broke, it was because he was tired from work. both of these things were always my fault, he became the only one who was allowed to decide what we spent money on, and it always got worse and worse.
i spent all of my money making up for his huge mistakes. then, when i wanted to do something alone, i either couldn't afford to or was guilted like crazy for it. i wanted to go have lunch with best friend? oh, i wish i had the luxury time to go have lunch. i'm glad you enjoyed sweater shopping while i was working my ass off. not to mention the constant texts the entire time i was out, asking repeatedly when i'd be home. soon, i rarely did anything without him, and that meant that we rarely did anything at all except go out to eat on the weekends sometimes. he also hated everybody and had no friends of his own, so we rarely went with anyone except little A and sometimes my brother and whoever he was with at the time.
i know i've said before that my world felt smaller, and after this weekend and this trip, things became clearer and clearer to me. all of the things i loved about this weekend helped me really understand some things about myself. i'm not a very social person, but i do need to feel connected. i need a close group of people i can talk with and feel safe with. i need to go out sometimes, and see new things. i need to smile and be nice to people. i need to literally spend time in the outdoors. while i love to smoke weed and lay on the couch and play video games, i also love to sit outside, walk outside, listen to the sounds of the summer night amongst the smell of woodsmoke. these are some of the things that my soul needs to feel good and whole.
but also, to go and not be afraid. to go and have enough money to enjoy myself, to know that i'm free and clear and not have the fact that we should have paid the water bill instead of going away for the weekend weighing on my mind the whole time. it's good to feel like a fucking responsible grownup instead of constantly just flying by the seat of our pants. i realize that it's also very important to my soul to feel that i have my shit together. it's not cool to be in your mid-thirties and worrying that your electricity is going to be shut off because you spent all of your money on weed and takeout again. i had no confidence because i was completely out of control. i never knew what was coming next, but not in a fun or exciting way.
i feel i've come further in my understanding of myself - what kind of person i am and what kind of life i want to live - in the past year than my whole life up to now. i used to think that if i could finally get approval, earn [x]'s love, do the right thing, say the right thing, i would be happy. but i get it now, i finally get it. i need to be proud of myself and my choices. nothing feels better to me than knowing i did right by myself. believing in myself and that i'm doing the right thing instead trying to smile while forcing myself to suffer through some fucked up situation that arose only because i was too afraid to stand up for myself.
nothing has been bad since i've been living in this new frame of mind. i never feel lonely. i feel closer to everyone and everything.
i came into work today and JC asked how the trip was, and why i was so happy. did i meet a new guy there? and i laughed hard and said absolutely not, i'm just basking in the afterglow of a perfect weekend with people i love. my life has become something wonderful. i feel like i've finally made it over the hump of mourning the time i've lost. now i'm just trying to jump higher, do more, fit more in, gobble up every opportunity that comes my way.