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“what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.” - andré malraux

"i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes


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2020-06-04 @ 7:49 p.m.

there are a lot of things i want to say but i don't want to get stuck in here for the next several hours so i'm going to try my best to be quick.

the past few weeks have been really stressy and emotional. a couple weekends ago, PM and i were texting almost all day. we don't talk much, and i am an admittedly fucking terrible texter. i just don't translate well and i overthink every message so much that i just don't text back. this happens with absolutely everyone, not just him. so we chat infrequently. but this time we were having a really nice chat, until i got some really bad news from best friend.

i was so saddened that i trailed off with PM, and didn't want to tell him what had happened because i didn't want to dump on him emotionally, you know? so he probably thinks i hate him or something, which i really don't. since i'm still sheltering at home (we're still supposed to be doing that here but i'd say probably 10% of people i see out and about now are wearing masks. okay, i guess) i can't go out to see him and tell him that i'm sorry, i'm just a jackass.

then, we found out that my grandmother had an accident, broke a bone, and also tested positive for the virus. i've said before that she is close to 100 years old so we were all panicked, especially because no one was allowed to go see her, and no one could call her. when i received THAT news, i was just paralyzed. i couldn't even think straight. none of us could. and there was nothing anyone could do except marinate in the uncertainty. the things running through my mind ... i can't even describe. she has been more of a mother to me than my own mother so thinking that i might never speak to her again ... it's been hard.

to keep you out of suspense, she is doing well. she had a few procedures over the weekend and is recovering well so far. the surgeon said she's "a tough old bird." that's the damn truth.

but then on top of that stress, there is everything that's happening in this country right now. i am horrified, i'm speechless. but i'm not surprised. i sit, scrolling through the news, my heart racing. i know i shouldn't but i can't sit here in the dark. thank you to you allies, you have no idea how scary it has been to be a POC in this country since the election. people kept telling me i was being ridiculous and dramatic and hysterical, but here it is. is this enough for you yet?

my brother was driving to go to the store the other day and had to call me to tell me he loved me just in case something happened, because there was rioting and looting and police presence. while i was driving last weekend to clear my head after nearly having a panic attack over my grandmother, i found myself in deep red country and literally feared that my skin might be seen by the wrong person. it's remote up there, so much so that i didn't have cell service most of the day. what if something happened? what if someone tried to run me off the road? it's happened before, years ago when i was driving with boy, and even before that, when i was walking down the sidewalk of a major city with my white boyfriend. two pieces of shit in a pickup with confederate flags and a gun rack in the back swerved to try to hit us. this shit has never stopped happening. it happened in 2001, and 2013, and is still happening now, except now it is being encouraged. please, if you're in a position to do so, help us. please help us.

i'm gaming a lot to try to escape this reality but some nights, like last night, i couldn't even do it. i couldn't enjoy myself because i couldn't stop thinking about what's happening out there. it seemed wrong to laugh and smile.

i don't feel like editing this today because i just needed to get it out and away from my brain. i've been cleaning and organizing to busy myself and quiet my mind. it helps a little. at least i have control over something.

love you all.