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“what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.” - andré malraux

"i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes


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2021-08-10 @ 3:30 p.m.

i'm sorry, i'm just running in and out right now. it's right in the middle of my workday and i'm actually really busy today but i needed to write about this.

i don't know why i feel so compelled to write about this but my brain and soul were telling me to.

i had a dream about guy friend last night, and it was amazing. it felt so real, so warm and comforting and safe. i don't remember much about it except for these fleeting impressions. but i also remember my hand in the crook of his arm as we left a restaurant, him comforting me as we searched for my lost earring, and him kissing me right before i woke up.

i recorded it in my dream journal because i never have dreams like this, where i feel so safe and unafraid of anything. i often have dreams where the situation is great (wedding, party, graduation, etc) but i am separated from everyone else, searching for something, running away from something.

this is the first time that the dream wasn't about the search. and the first time i've ever had a dream about the two of us like this.

it felt so incredibly real that the moment i woke up, i checked my ear to see if my earring was there.

sure, i have been thinking about him more than usual. i wrote that entry the other day mentioning him, so maybe he's just in my mind. last night i was thinking about what i was going to email him, so maybe that's how he slid into my dreams. it's probably that.

except there was a post from him this morning on insta, a photo of his city from a distance. a coincidence. out of nowhere, there he is.

it could just be nothing, but maybe the universe is trying to tell me something. maybe it lights up these random threads just long enough for us to follow them, if we so choose. why else would i have such a strong feeling? i record the dreams that i remember all the time, so why is this one so different? why does it feel so different?

the only time i can remember feeling such a compulsion was when i so spur of the moment called boy that fateful day. sure, the universe lead me directly into a flaming dumpster that i would later find out was being carried by a garbage truck on fire as it passed over a collapsing bridge, but that was my fault for not bailing sooner, there were a million signs along the way.

we are once again vibrating at the same frequency. i know i'm a fucking hippie but i feel it.

it could be nothing, it could just be me being me. but it feels important.