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“what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.” - andré malraux

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windfall, a separation, cats, and medicine.
2019-01-18 @ 10:29 p.m.


i REALLY want this to be quick this time because i JUST got home from work and decided that i am going to fucking work tomorrow because there is supposed to be some huge snow storm so i can't go out. might as well make some extra money. but i also really want to get in some gaming and dish washing.

so by wednesday i had said to myself that unless the weather was PERFECT on saturday, i was going to work. i went over budget $15 and felt i should punish myself for it so i wouldn't start to make it a habit. but the cosmos rewarded me for doing the right thing by myself and we had two late days and boss needed me to go on a trip today for which he always overly reimburses me. i also told him i would only work saturday if he would leave me alone and not make me do any errands, just let me catch up on inventory. i have SO much stuff to do, like holy shit now that i really think of it. T_T

so he's like WELL I DON'T WANT YOU TO WORK IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE ALL GRUMPY, and i was like WELL don't tell me you're not going to bother me and then send me on 1000 errands and keep interrupting me to do stuff! so he said okay because his accountant actually needs me to finish up some of this stuff asap, and then asked me if he could interrupt me if he gave me extra money, and i said absolutely. so i am super thankful for this week and this super awesome paycheck i'm about to have!

we are taking this huge family trip in the fall and my mom has been sending me the places she's looking at booking. holy shit. each one of the bedrooms is bigger than my whole apartment. i can't believe this will be happening in less than a year.

but yeah, this unexpected windfall will allow me to put a little extra away for the little therapeutic sojourn i had planned for myself and my bro and his wife, get supergold, back up my photos, spend a little extra shopping this week (i want to make some pretty elaborate but super delicious and healthy lunches and do two baking projects over next weekend), send off my laundry. i love being frugal, budgeting, working toward things. it is all so satisfying.

my therapist called today and said she got another job and so would no longer be my therapist. did i want to transfer or discharge? and i said you know? i'm going to discharge. i feel fucking great. the general issues are under control, i know what my warning signs are, i know what "normal" is and how my gauge was really off, i know how to communicate what i want and need and most importantly, i know that i have value and do not deserve to be abused. no one does! i deserved better and so do you. so i'm feeling pretty confident in myself, and of course now that i'm in this particular "system" i can go to any of their centers walk-in if i want to get started again. so i told her good luck and i was super happy for her and thanks for everything.

i feel like i'm kind of going to miss it? but i'll keep journaling to get out all of the stuff i'm thinking about. i often think to myself, what would [therapist] say? and she said that's awesome because that's pretty much the goal of therapy. be able to talk yourself through situations. so i'll monitor how i feel about throwing all of my thoughts into the ether vs. into a neutral 3rd party human and we'll see.

god, i need to clean this weekend. just a few too many papers on the table, the carpet looking dusty and a little trampled, hazy ass floor. laundry ALL over my bedroom floor. that's 2019 resolution #2 & 3 - stop waiting so long to do laundry and donate clothes that don't fucking fit!! there are a few things that i have washed, tried on, hated, and then tossed back into the basket so many times. stop it! i am making a major commitment to paring down and refining my wardrobe this year.

i saw a cat at petsmrt a couple of days ago who i almost couldn't walk away from. he was a really good looking guy, very similar to my beloved boycat, but some features like my little babyboy. it was an interesting mix of the two. he seemed super friendly. i thought about him a lot, and honestly still am now. my place is just so small and i don't know if babyboy will be into having a brother. he grew up with other cats but when old lady got sick she became really nasty to him and he got really scared of her. i don't have any place that i could possibly put the new guy to keep them separated at first so i don't think it's a good idea. the time is not right. but he was really something.

so much for making this short! fuck, i always do it.

the last thing i want to say is that i really hope my state stops fucking around and legalizes already. i enjoy marijuana for fun as well as for medicinal purposes. i have pretty serious pain for sometimes 15 days a month, and nothing does the job like a good indica. i took so much tylenol at work today and all it did was upset my stomach. TS got me some fucking fire weed from some dude down the street and after i came home, i changed and smoked some of this and the pain went down from a 6 or a 7 to a 1. this amazing feeling slowly rolled over me, like warm maple syrup had been dumped over my head and was slowly dripping down to my toes. it's a pain in the ass and pretty expensive to get a MMJ card here. let me just fucking buy it like a civilized human being so i can go to work and function like a person and not have to call out because i'm curled up on the couch moaning like a dying animal. thanks!

okaaaaaaaaaaay so now it's midnight. enough already. bye!