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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
oh lord but it`s bad.
2008-03-02 @ 1:12 p.m.
it's getting worse and worse. resistance is hard. this one is worse than the one last year because he's so vulnerable. last year, that one had a family, and friends, and though he was gorgeous and flirty, it was all calculated. he knew what he was doing and we both knew our boundaries. and that's what made it so thrilling, really, the fact that it was a chase with no end in sight. there was no risk. it was like playing basketball or soccer with someone for the fun of the game, and not keeping score. this new one though. everything about this one tells me that i need to be careful and that i'm doing the wrong things. he's damaged goods. the poor kid has no parents to speak of, a girlfriend he hates but he's with her because he needs a mother figure, and no direction in general. he trusts me now. he respects me now. after i pulled him aside the other day to speak to him, there's this silent regard between us now, and i know that it would be so so wrong to take advantage of that, but that doesn't make me want him any less. i don't even want him sexually, i just want him intimately. i just want to wake up next to him. i want to be the one he needs. it makes me feel awful just saying it, but it's all true. i have to stop all of this. for some reason it just makes it more urgent, and no less wrong.
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