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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
one down, one to go.
2008-05-05 @ 9:10 p.m.
one is back. he got out early. he was saved. i'm waiting on the other one. it's been days. when i sent my first letter to him, it took almost a month to hear back. i hope it doesn't take as long this time. i don't know if my heart can take it. i think sometimes that a heart can only take so much aching. i wonder, then, how i've made it so far. since i was a child, my heart has done almost nothing but hurt. sometimes i feel like i could just fall over and die. like i've been holding my breath for years, and with this final exhalation, it will finally be over. yet every day i still wake up, every horrible moment passes, and i go on living, this vice still inside my chest. this boy ... when he wrote me, he said he's never been religious but now he prays every night. i didn't have it in me to tell him that it doesn't matter, and it never will. when you've prayed every day since you were small, when you've done everything you can to be good, when you've begged and pleaded for a change and nothing happens, you know. the only one you can look to is yourself, and even then you will probably let yourself down. i keep myself awake at night thinking. i think about how frightening it is to be alone. i think about how depressing it is to believe in nothing, and how even more depressing those people are who delude themselves into believing in something. i don't know which is scarier to me. so i just wait. i know that nothing i do will change anything. i just have to live and let it happen. i still have to try. i hope it means something. of all things, i hope my love means something. sometimes i think that's all i have to give, but it's a huge and wonderful gift. you see, there's the good part of me. i knew it was still there. |