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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
love talk.
2012-01-13 @ 10:10 a.m.
the other day, i started writing about how fantastic boy is, but i had to stop because i had too much to say and i was in the middle of doing too many things. he's just ... so good. so good for me and my life. i know some people are really turned off by the fact that this weight loss was by his request, but it has been the second best thing to happen in my life besides him. and besides, it's just some fat. the same as if he'd asked me to cut my hair or something. it's just something on my body; it's not me. and now that i've lost so much of it? the true version of me - the confident, sexy, sassy, happy, joyous version of me - has begun to emerge, and the world has taken on a new color now. i always think about the things that have happened as a result of doing this, and reaching out to him in the first place. i just can't imagine my life if i had never texted him that day. if i had let fear guide me. but i'd rather not think of that universe. i am so happy to live this life with him. so happy and grateful for the time we've spent together, and for how he makes me feel every day. ... i cleaned the house all yesterday, and did some baking too. somewhere in the middle of the day i was feeling pretty horny (like every day), so i sent him a dirty text. he never responded, so i figured he never got it, because sometimes my texts don't arrive. when he called on his way home from work, we chatted about stupid nonsense, then he says, "so ... i got this crazy text earlier. was that you or someone playing with your phone?" and i was like wtf dude! and laughed, and he said that yeah, he did figure it was me but he was so shocked [because i don't usually do that] that he didn't even know what to say in response, except that i could go ahead and do that all the time. i said, you know, i had to kind of come into my own and get comfortable with myself. and he responded that i just get better and better every day. so he got home and took his shower and came downstairs and told me that i'm amazing because everything [in the house] looked great and there were all of these delicious, fresh-baked snacks around.* we ate, we smoked, we snacked, then we made it up to bed early. i'm stripped immediately, and he's kissing me everywhere, and i'm finally feeling totally comfortable in my own skin, which is good, because that's all i'm wearing. it's one thing to just have sex with someone, but it's another entirely to be naked, to let them see you, let them touch you. you know what your "trouble" spots are, and sometimes it's so hard to keep from trying to cover up, or to hide them. so i just tried to turn that negative little voice in my head off, telling it to shut up, and i thought of nothing but his hands and his mouth and how good he smelled. then he gets on top of me and wraps me in his arms and says, "why would you ever think you aren't sexy? look at you. you're so fucking hot. you're gorgeous. you're perfect." and keeps on whispering to me. i don't even remember most of what happened because it was so intense, but i remember in the end, i'm laying on my soaking wet sheets, my legs wrapped around him, kissing his shoulder, and he's smoothing my hair back, and we're just stuck there until we can breathe again. and so i fall asleep tucked into his armpit, and wake up to the sweetest kisses, and today is a beautiful day. he brings out the best in me, and he always tells me i do the same for him, and this is why else i love him: he's been telling me how unfulfilled he feels at work lately, and how he wants to get a job doing something where he'd be helping people, or making some kind of a difference in the world. he said that it's funny, he used to be excited to go to work before he met me [again], but i changed something about him. being with me has made him WANT to use his brain, and to come off as intelligent, because for so many years the girls he was with would say things like, "stop acting so smart" and "stop using big words" as though it was a bad thing. now, he says he can't wait to get home every day because there are so many things that we're into, so many things that are so much better than anything he could imagine. so i have this man, this man whose heart speaks the exact same language as mine, who texts me: "you are the greatest woman i have ever known." i have never known such a feeling in my entire life. they say that you know you're doing the right thing, that you're on the right path, when you feel this way. there is no doubt, no fear, no worry. just warmth. love. joy. * ps, i made some diet macaroons that were fucking nuts! they taste just like an almond joy. the actual reason i did so much baking yesterday was because i made the dough for these first, but the process was SO weird and i had to blindly make an adjustment for sugar (since i had only sweetened pineapple and coconut flakes) that i was sure they were going to be disgusting. THEY WERE NOT; THEY WERE AWESOME. |