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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
stress level alert: high.
2012-06-20 @ 10:27 a.m.
it's like way hot outside today, so i'm really happy and thankful that the air is working again, because we wouldn't make it through without it. so where were we. last week was crazy fun sex week, which was tons of fun and wonderful also because little A was in school until friday, but now all of that has changed. he's off for the summer, and because of the incredibly short notice surrounding everything that's happened lately, we didn't have time to save to get him into summer camp or anything. so he just sits around here and annoys the shit out of me all day. i was so glad to hear boy say the other day, "i thought it was all rainbows and sunshine until he started living with us!" [re:having a kid in general.] we're both a lot less happy and a lot more stressed out. it's so annoying that kids don't understand how much they're fucking you up. you can be mad, but you can't get mad at them for having no concept of what they're doing to your life. they don't "get" bills and budgets and marital stress and caregiving schedules and adult insecurities and any of the stuff we deal with. so it just seems doubly hopeless from this point of view, because there is nothing you can really do except wait for them to grow up and hopefully get it one day. like crazy ex was going on about this last night, again, while he was sitting right next to her in the car. she was going on and on about what an asshole he is, how he'll never learn to listen and will end up with everyone hating him because he's such a bad person, he's nothing but a "fucking little brat," has no respect for anyone or anything, etc. for over a half an hour, while little A and his cousin were sitting right there. so despite the fact that i agree with almost everything she had to say, there are two important differences between us. 1) she doesn't realize that it's not personal. she takes his behavior so personally, like he specifically doesn't like her and does these things to ruin her time and hers alone. no, kids are fucking sociopaths! and they ruin everyone's lives equally. unless they're taught and shown how to behave and consider others, they probably won't know to do it. 2) though i agree with the general sentiment of what ex had to say, how fucking wildly inappropriate is it to be screaming and saying all of this incredibly hurtful shit (like "i don't even want to hang out with him anymore if this is how he's going to act.") while he's RIGHT THERE!? if you just got mad at him for yelling at you and speaking disrespectfully and blah blah, then don't turn around and do it yourself! boy was like, wtf, it's like trying to teach someone not to hit by hitting them! SO AGGRAVATING. it feels like we take 1 step forward, and sometimes another, but the moment she comes back into the picture we take 3 steps back. so during all of this nonsense, boy neglected a bill and now owes this huge amount of money to get back on his previous payment plan, so he's working all of this overtime to make it quickly. it sucks. when he's exhausted, he's a dick. when he's stressed, he's a real dick. we just had a phone exchange in which he was asking me what time he should leave work. we're meeting for dinner at my mom's house between 6-6:30, okay? her house is 1 hour from here and 1.5 from his work. on a usual day, he gets off at 2, getting home around 4. so he asks what time should he stay until? i said leave whatever time gets you to my mom's by 6. so he's like well i'm exhausted though. and i said, okay, then come home and we can all drive together. and he's like ehhh, i don't know, are you going to get there any earlier? and i said no (because i don't want to sit around there with this unoccupied kid annoying the shit out of me and my parents annoying the shit out of me too). so i said stay or don't, it's up to you. but if you come home first, you have plenty of time to get ready and stuff because we're not leaving til 5-5:15. so next thing i know, he's all huffing and puffing and like, "okay i guess i'm going to just stay then. fine. that's fine. i'll talk to you later." and i'm like ... okay? i just told you to do what you want, so why the attitude? like i seriously have no idea why. ugh. so anyway, lighter news. my birthday was last week, and on my actual birthday, we didn't get to do anything fun at all because boy needed to get his paycheck from work which was a 5 hour round trip, then we had to RACE HOME to get little A off the bus, then his fucking stupid mother was 2 hours late to pick him up, and didn't even come here to pick him up as promised, boy had to meet her halfway. so by time he got home it was like 7:30, and we couldn't go anywhere we wanted to, so we got some random BBQ from the side of the road. it was great! and honestly, i was just really happy to spend the night with boy. he kept asking me what i wanted to do because it was my day, and i told him that i'm just really happy to spend time with him so i wanted to eat BBQ, game, and get naked. so we did, and it was awesome. then, since best friend and i have birthdays very close together, we had been planning a sweet trip to the city to sample the best treats. she did a great job of mapping out the places and putting them in a logical order, and i was the navigator. so we drove into brooklyn and started there, hit several places, and then took the subway into east village and times square to finish it up. it was a super easy and hassle free trip, and best of all, the weather was absolutely perfect. ridiculously perfect. definitely a quality birthday. i almost brought boy, but i really wanted it to be girls' birthday. i don't want to be that chick who's always bringing her boyfriend regardless of whether he's invited or not. i know best friend didn't really want him to come, because she never mentioned him, and usually says, "oh, is [boy] coming? are you guys going to bring [little A]?" if it's an open trip, but this time she didn't. and i was totally okay with it because at first, little A was going to his cousin's picnic at this weird time, so boy couldn't go. but then, he ended up going to his mom's the night before, so boy found out he'd be sitting around all day by himself. and that's what almost got me, because i didn't want him to have to sit there being bored without either of us. but then, like i said, i just didn't want to be that person, especially when we're celebrating her birthday too. and as the day progressed, i realized it was better that i didn't bring boy because he hates walking and would have had a huge tude all day. but more importantly, we were walking and talking and she was saying that she's had a really hard time lately because her kid's father has been hanging around a lot, and they've been falling into their old comfortable routine. and it's weird, because she is the kind of person who loses her identity when in a relationship. she becomes one of those people who are, you know, [bestfriend]&[boyfriend]. you know those people. everyone knows at least one. they become one with their significant other and can do nothing or go anywhere without them. i thought it was SO STRANGE to be hearing this from her because i've always thought that she felt a lot more independent and sure of herself than that, but i guess not. she has so many hobbies and so many interests that are completely independent of whomever she's dating. i think that maybe she doesn't give herself enough credit for being an interesting person, which is why she settles for the garbage kind of guys she dates. i only wish i understood her sometimes. with boy and i, we just love to be together as much as possible. it's simply an issue of us really liking each other. i am the same person with or without boy, which is how i know that he's the right boy for me. i am lucky that he is interested in most of the things that i am, but they are not my interests because they are his. that's what best friend was really saying about herself. she loses herself easily. stops knowing if she's doing something because she wants to, or because she wants to make someone else happy. that's sometimes a hard question to answer even if you know yourself well. and finally, we met my parents at my favorite restaurant for a combo birthday/father's day dinner, and it was super awkward. my stepdad made some sarcastic comment after asking what was up that we're so secretive, and everything's a secret so he never knows what's going on in our lives. i didn't want to get into it there because it was supposed to be a nice night, so i just laughed and said nothing. it was a really inappropriate time to get started, and it took almost everything in me to restrain myself from saying, "maybe if you guys genuinely cared about what was going on and wanted to talk instead of just talking at us and lecturing us endlessly and telling us that all of our personal choices are wrong every time we call or come over, we'd do so more often." but i didn't. it gets harder and harder to have a good time around them anymore. i don't remember what else happened between the last time i wrote and now. just, stressful week. i'm tired. little A is going to his mother's this weekend, so i am SO EXCITED for this brief respite. i just want sex, sleeping in, and a good meal. this is all i ask. |