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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
for once.
2012-11-25 @ 9:53 p.m.
today, "i really like you a lot. like a lot. i want to be with you forever." i like it when people are upfront with you about things that you really want them to be upfront about. i know we've talked about it since the beginning. well, i guess, we at least knew it was inevitable. but now with the hypothetical ring talk - as far in the future as it may be!! but not THAT far, since he's never asked before, but we've talked wedding before - it's so weird and maybe a little bit scary? not scary in the way that i have any kind of doubts whatsoever. but just so scary when i think like, 1) i can't fucking believe i am with the one true love of my life! like, i was lucky enough to have found this person on earth, and they want to look at MY face forever! and 2) i can't believe i'm this old! remember when you were a kid and you thought of that fantasy life, that future self that you tried to imagine yourself as, because your parents told you that one day it would be you and you couldn't imagine how. and i always used to think to myself: if i can't picture myself doing it, then i don't think it will ever happen. and i said that about so many things, especially things i was really afraid of doing, but somehow a lot of them happened! and good or bad, here i am. so this is one of those things - "this" being this whole relationship, kid, everything - that i just never saw COMING, let alone picturing them. so while the next 50 years are a complete mystery to me, and seem such a vast impossibility from here, at least my heart is safe and accounted for. what will it be like to be married to boy? just the same as every other day, i'm sure. i am happy that we were thrust together the way we were, because there aren't a huge number of surprises left for us to work through. we've lived together, this kid is here, we've both experienced joblessness, financial terror, reassessment of life goals, depression, and physical/sexual issues! i know there are still SO many things to come, but i feel like ... if we have already made it through these things when the relationship was still new and forming, these HUGE things (don't people always say living together is the relationship killer?) will just be another thing to figure out together. of course i've been smoking, which makes me think and talk [write] more. but this is something i think about all the time, which i have lately been able to put shape to. do you know what really got me? when we were in the car the other day and he said that the fact that i even offered to take little A up there with me to the salon last week "to me, proved your devotion to me." what a word to use. and again, i thought, it was such a little thing! but he said that it was my kindness even to a person who has never shown me any that really touched him. and i thought, this is how i know i love you, too, that you appreciate me. he appreciates the person that i am. so, SO many people who are close to me just don't get me. but it seems sometimes that boy even understands my thoughts, my motives. where my own mother just doesn't "get" what i'm thinking [a lot of the time], boy not only gets me but loves me for it too. i will stop rambling on about this, because i'm not really sure i'm even making as much sense as i think i am. but so many of us here want so desperately for someone to understand us! and finally, i have found someone who does, who is also my best friend, and an amazing lover, and it's a huge ... relief?? to not have to explain where these things come from. he has my blueprint. he knows where all of the pieces belong. it feels so good to feel safe, for once. |