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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
hi yes nice to meet you. i am a freelance catlady and misanthrope.
2012-12-04 @ 10:22 p.m.
hey. i haven't been feeling so great lately. i feel extra moody, and that's probably in part because boy has been laid off for only two days! but he's like this super tightly wound ball of nervous anxious wire that just radiates tension outward. we can never hang out with each other too much - unless of course, he's like this. yesterday i got so mad at him because he had been laid off for literally less than 24 hours and he was thinking about calling the guy he worked for back in the day, that guy who ripped him off and used him and took advantage of him and made him so miserable! he KNOWS it's a horrible idea - the guy's jobs are 3 hours away from home, and he's a total fucking douchenozzle! for real!! so i'm like practically yelling this at boy, because we've had this conversation at least 10 other times. but this time i told him, i really don't think i can fucking mentally handle how you will be if you work for this guy again. and i know i can't. i can barely handle myself right now, and boy when he gets into these moods is just SO DIFFICULT. because my mood is so precarious. and then little A's existence on this planet is stressful. he's just so much. requiring 100% of your attention, all the time. and he's that kid who can't sit still, like you can tell it's really bad. because he's like literally vibrating. he makes me so anxious. i just can't imagine boy being around less than he already is. if he worked for that guy, he used to get up at 3:30, go to work at 6, work until 6pm (or sometimes even 7:30 if the guy laid it on thick enough), not getting home until 9-10pm. and of course the guy would guilt boy into working saturday, too. so i'd see him on sunday long enough for him to wake up, yell at me, and go back to sleep. all of that WHILE worrying about little A? i had a panic attack just thinking about it. seriously. so i just got up, took a shower, and tried to chill out. when i came back, i wanted to say so much to boy, but he just quietly apologized for making me so upset, because he didn't realize i felt that strongly about it. i wanted to say, i feel so strongly about this because i remember what it was like. you don't. you never do. he doesn't remember how hard he worked, how he was so worried some weekends because his hands would be completely numb. he would spend at least half of the day terrified that he couldn't feel his fingers. he doesn't remember those nights that he was in tears because his back hurt so badly, and when he was actually delirious with exhaustion. and he came home with WAY less money than he should have been making, because this guy would only pay him off the books because he was a cheap piece of shit, but he knew he could get away with it because boy was terrified of being out of work. it's a bad person who needlessly preys on someone in that situation. anyway. i didn't mean to get on that. what else. best friend is really seeing the error of her ways, it seems. finally! she called me the other day and was like dude. how were you even friends with me all these years? i was such a fucking idiot! and i was like dude. i love you but sometimes i wondered if we were on candid camera, because you for reals would ask me for advice, then do the complete opposite of what i said! it was so ridiculous. but she said she learned in therapy that all of her poor dude-related decisions sprung from her crappy relationship with her mother. it was really interesting as she explained her unconscious motives in detail, how i reviewed each of her boyfriends in my memory and was like YES! it is so weird that this is exactly what you were doing. psychotherapy is so interesting. and my brother called to ask a rhetorical question (as far as i'm concerned, it was) today. should he let his new girlfriend move in when he moves in with my dad? now, it may seem all well and good on the surface. sure, they're both adults, right? they like each other. my dad likes her. they'll have a whole nice house to spread out in. but then you hear some more backstory, where my brother is not happy with how "clingy" she is, for lack of a better word. now that he's out of that almost-being-married thing, he feels like he wants a HUGE amount of space this time around. and also he's not the biggest fan of their sex life, which is partially his fault because of a dysfunction that he has. he says he knows he has the problem, but it's the fact that she gets really frustrated with him that makes it even MORE of a problem. so anyway. he says he knows it's a horrible idea for them to move in together right now but she's really pushing it because she doesn't have another place to move lined up yet. so i asked him when she had to be out of her current place, and he said april! like wtf girlfriend. don't even try to be like that. in conclusion. the only thing that has really kept me in any kind of positive mood lately has been food. and we've been eating some really good food. REALLY good. i made fresh whipped cream for the dessert tonight. is that not the best thing ever!? i feel like i have no idea what i did between this week and the last. where has time time gone? i feel so out of it, so disconnected. my other best friend is moving back here from 8 hours away and i'm really excited, but kind of not because i hate all of her super pretentious friends. they're like, those hipsters who are 30, still surviving on trust funds. their job titles are things like "experimental musician" and "atheist." somehow they know more than you about the real world things that you have actually done, and when you tell them that's not how it is at all, they browbeat you into submission. i can take one or two on my own, but this friend is one of those people who can't just hang out with you alone, it has to always be a huge group of people. and i'm just so not down for that, not with her friends. hopefully she gets that now, in her old age. she used to be really insensitive about things like that. tomorrow is little A's parent teacher conference. i wanted to go because i know what to ask and what to say to get the teacher to be honest about where he is. the kid can barely read. anyone can see that. i just want to know if it's his skill level, or if it's the adhd that is causing him such a problem. he doesn't know words, and i guess never learned letter sounds well, so he struggles with reading. but also, he can't remember a sentence that he came up with literally seconds before. he can't focus on anything that's happening. he'll forget what he's talking about in mid-sentence, but all the time. like, EVERY sentence. he just generally has no idea what's going on. it's excruciating. i just want to know what we have to do to correct the situation, stat. i hate his mother so much for creating this problem (as far as the lack of reading/writing/math basic skills - apparently she used to be so annoyed by helping him with his homework that she just started doing it for him so she wouldn't be bothered). alright, hopefully quality time with boy. he seems like he's in a better mood this evening. i've got my little boycat next to me too so life is pretty good right now. |