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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
taking forward steps.
2014-08-27 @ 9:28 p.m.
maybe it was last week that boy and i were in bed together. it was whenever i was complaining about the ovarian cyst, a couple days later i guess. we were laying together, fooling around, and he kept trying to take my shirt off but i didn't want him to because i was so bloated and broken out. the bloated part wasn't so bad but whenever i have crazy hormonal fluctuations i get the worst body acne. it's so gross, and i'm like ugh, long sleeves time. even my arms break out. so he keeps trying to take it off even after i said i wanted to keep it on like 5 times, so finally i yank it off angrily and toss it to the side. he's like what's your problem?? and i said i just wanted to keep it on, i felt gross. and he's like what do you mean by gross?? and i'm like ugh, really? i just feel super bloated and broken out and gross! so he got kind of upset and hugged me and kissed me all up and said that i am beautiful and amazing and i should never feel like that around him. i appreciated that a lot, because my skin and weight have always been an issue for me, and i am really feeling bad about both lately. so whatever, days go by. and then today he comes home and says something about how pretty i am. and he adds, i'm sorry i maybe don't tell you that as often as i should, but i am making a conscious effort to do it more because that really bothered me the other night, that you would think that i would be turned off by you being bloated or something. you're gorgeous, i love looking at you, and i want you to know. i said thank you, i really appreciate it because i am a girl and you know, it's hard in the world. and i also said "you're a really great boyfriend," because i really needed that pep talk, and it meant a lot to me that he felt in a way about that and is trying to help, like proactively do something. my constant complaint about him is that he is insensitive and thoughtless about others, but he is trying hard and making a lot of positive changes. i look over at him now, totally asleep, and i want to kiss his back but i don't want to wake him. in moments like these i can't help but remember 15 or so years ago, first meeting him through friends, falling in love with that face, that voice. and then maybe a year later, he was dating this girl who was again a friend of a friend. i remember thinking that i had this amazing connection with him. there was just something about him. at 16 i could feel it. but i wasn't going to be that girl who's breaking up couples, so i just backed off. but i still dreamed about us so many times. and i am still happy it came true. |