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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
where i am now.
2016-11-22 @ 9:58 p.m.
i feel like i'm being so annoying lately but it's okay. it's nice to be in love again. it feels so good. it's like wearing a warm hoodie right out of the dryer (i use this simile a lot, have you noticed? fresh warm laundry is one of my most favorite things ever). the way he touches me is so good. his hands in my hair, even though i tell him to get out of it. kisses on the neck when he leaves in the morning. his beautiful beautiful face. the way we make each other laugh like idiots. seven fucking years. this time last year i had been planning an exit strategy. well, two of them really. the people who know me irl knew that i was ready to be done with this, that nothing was changing and that we were both deeply unhappy. we were making each other so unhappy. we viewed the other as the enemy. we weren't communicating. i remember sometime around my birthday last summer i was hanging out with my cousin and i was like "dude, i love [boy] so fucking much but he is absolutely ruining my life." but then completely personally, only known to myself, was that i was at my absolute lowest. i knew i wasn't going to kill myself around my birthday, or around our anniversary (i didn't want anyone to ever be like oh she was so dramatic, because 100% that would have been my mom's quote at my funeral), then i thought i could tough it out through thanksgiving and christmas, which are always so delightful, but they were SO horrible. so that's when i decided new year's eve. there's nothing ahead but desolate winter and sadness. and since boy and i were just hating each other for no fucking reason, and he was never home anyway, he wouldn't even notice i was gone. so here i am a little less than a year later, and shit is still really rough, and i'm dealing with the ongoing repercussions of some really bad decisions i made when i wasn't in my right mind, but things are going. i'm working on it. my job is amazing and i love it. and it feels so good to be in love again. but with the same person. for us to essentially "break up" and then realize that we don't want to be without each other. that we are two complementary pieces that can each work by themselves, but are infinitely better as a pair. so much has changed. and i still struggle every day. still working on the medication thing. still haven't been working out or eating particularly well. but i've been happy. maybe to other people that doesn't mean much, or even matter much, but it does to me. for once i can really appreciate that. |