hello, i'm okay, everything is okay for the most part. i'm not even going to look at my notes or buddylist right now because i have so much to catch up on.

i just wanted to vomit this out real quick.

on saturday i wanted to go out and my mother held me up on the phone for a really really long time, knowing that i was trying to leave (i stated as such numerous times). we were talking about giving away some furniture for free, and i was saying that it might be hard to offload it on such short notice because not everyone has a big truck capable of fitting all the stuff, not everyone has a friend with a truck, and renting a uhaul for $150 just to move a couch is not something everyone is going to be willing to do. my stepdad hears this (because my parents are incapable of having a conversation not on speakerphone) and starts yelling in the background that it's because "those people" are so used to the government doing everything for them, getting "their" checks from the government and getting their rent paid by the government that they can't be bothered to pick up a free couch.

i was so stunned by the idiocy of this statement that i just sat there speechless, just like ... okay. don't even engage. don't even dignify it with a response. and my mom is like, "did you hear that??" and i was like, "yep."

like ... you do realize that people other than exclusively welfare recipients could be interested in a used couch in excellent condition, right? ..... right?

but i couldn't even say it because it would start some kind of stupid fucking political argument and at that point i had already been delayed 45 minutes so i just got off the phone. wow.

then yesterday, i told my mother to call me before noon if she wanted help with some computer shit. being my mother and always having to assert dominance, she called me at 12:08. i absolutely knew she would do this and wanted to be an asshole and not answer the phone but i did anyway. she opened with "i'm not calling about the computer stuff so don't even start!"

i don't want to rehash the entire conversation because my brother and i spoke at length about it today. but it was essentially my mother insulting my caution around the virus situation and trying to bully me into traveling with them, then completely denying reality, things that happened in my childhood, and things that she said in the past. i was so fucking wound up after getting off the phone with her (for another hour, by the way) that i turned my phone on silent for the rest of the day. i didn't even want to talk to anyone else i was so fucking hot. really ruined what was supposed to be a chill day of weed, nice fall weather, and chores.

so today i was talking to my brother about something else and it reminded me of the weekend and i was like dude, i'm sorry to interject with this but i really need to tell you about this conversation i had with our fucking mother yesterday. so i'm telling him and he's like oh my god. i had the SAME conversation over the weekend too. i was so fucking angered that i just let it go because i didn't want to call you over it. and i was like holy shit man, me too!! so we're telling each other our side of this bullshit and were like quoting these absurd lines she was giving us back to each other.

okay, so one of our big things is that covid will fuck me up. like, i have multiple risk factors, but not only that, i live alone and am poor. so having to miss weeks of work, not getting paid at all during those weeks, not being able to go grocery shopping for myself, etc, would be shitty and i don't want to put myself in that position if it can possibly be avoided. my mother thinks that i am overexaggerating my risk factors, and that i no longer have the chronic illnesses i've had my entire life because "they haven't bothered you in a few years!" (um, yeah because i finally learned how to effectively manage them after 37 fucking years??) so at first she and my stepdad were like, "well if you're so scared, then just stay home!" and i was like, "okay," and i have been. but now, she wants to do something and i'm telling her i don't want to go and i'm the biggest asshole ever for wanting to stay home, and i'm ruining everything.

so during this conversation, she was trying to convince me yet again that i'm the worst and i'm ruining our family vacation and we got onto the topic of risk assessment and i said that i love how now i'm being pressured like this when there's a real, actual worldwide pandemic happening, but when i was a kid and wanted to do literally anything, i wasn't allowed to because something might happen. and this fucking woman, this human being who brought me into this world (i still can't believe it), said to me, "when did i EVER tell you you weren't allowed to do something you wanted to do?"

guys ... record scratch. like, hol up.

my fucking mother ....... i had no friends, i had ONE person spend the night at my house in my entire fucking life, i was never allowed to go to sleepovers, or the mall, or waterparks, or fucking ANYTHING! anything!!! i'm so socially stunted now because i was never allowed to do anything or go anywhere. when she said that, i just sat there in silence. are we living in the same fucking reality? like ... were you there???

(i had to get off the phone and do fucking breathing exercises after this one.)

when i told my brother this line he just fucking chortled. he knows! he was there, too. he asked me, "was she serious?" and i said yes! she actually challenged me to name two things i wanted to do that i wasn't allowed to. i couldn't give her specific instances because it was ... anything! everything! i said mom, you wouldn't let me go to sleepovers. she was like, you went to SO many sleepovers. i started shouting "what are you talking about! i went to like five of them in my entire life!" i still remember whose houses and about how old i was because they were so infrequent and stopped after 2nd grade.

her response? "no."

after recalling this part of the conversation to my brother i said dude, this is what makes it so difficult to talk to them. i said i'm not super cool with our stepdad because our parents (mom and stepdad) are the kind of people who just deny realities that they don't like. it's not possible to have an open and honest conversation with them, especially if it's about something that hurts you or you're emotional about it, because they just shut down anything they don't want to hear with "no. nope. that didn't happen."

i said it's one thing when you're arguing with someone about something and you both have positions on it. there is a fruit on the table. i argue that it is red, someone else argues that it is orange. we try to explain and convince each other of our perceptions of the fruit. but when you're arguing with my mom? you're trying to convince her of your perceptions of the fruit, but she's like, "there's no fruit there." that's it. conversation over. she just fucking torpedoes conversations that she doesn't like or want to have, and is so fucking sure and confident about it that you start to question your reality.

my brother said holy shit yeah, he thought he was the only one for years too. and i said yeah, i didn't know this was a thing they (narcissists) do until i went to therapy and realized that boy was my mom, i was dating my mother because this kind of dynamic was comfortable and familiar to me, and that he and i played out this exact same scenario countless times as well. i know i wrote about this once before, not that long ago. but we would be having an argument, he would say something fucking nuts, then moments later i would repeat it to him, and he would completely straightfaced tell me that he never said that, and that i am always making shit up.

i said, you know what's scary is that i don't know whether they really believe themselves or if they're just trolling to win the argument. truly don't know.

these two people are the reason that i sit here and painstakingly write out these excruciating interactions ... so no one later on can try to tell me that they didn't happen.

holy shit. why are my parents like this!? and let's not even get started on my dad, because talking about what a disappointment he is is what started the whole thing about my mom. my brother and i often ask each other, rhetorically, "why are our parents like this?" one of us, exasperated, asked yet again today, and from there i said i'm sorry, i need to complain about our mother as well.

sigh.

i'm sorry to come back here so aggro after all of these months! but this shit is infuriating and makes me feel like i'm going nuts. but honestly other than this horseshit i really haven't been up to anything interesting. time is just passing.

i had lost like 12 or 13 lbs since the beginning of all of this, and realized that i have a serious addiction to fast food and soda. i really really do. and i'm having a lot of aches and pains lately in my back and shoulders, surely from sitting on my unsupportive couch all day, but also probably because i'm still a good 50-60lbs overweight and my boobs are huge and heavy. so i decided i'm going to start tracking my calories again, just to see what i was eating and how i'm doing. let's ease into it.

so i did, and i realized i was overeating like crazy, and going far too hard on carbs. some of the symptoms of my chronic conditions are improved by dietary changes, and i just kind of had to say to myself that i'm not helping myself, and am probably hurting myself, by not paying more attention to my diet. i've said a million times: i'm not getting any younger. gotta be honest, i feel kinda shitty. my energy is low, i have a weird skin thing going on, i ache and cramp. i remember how amazing i felt when i was in shape so if i can get back to that, i'll have a good head start on the complications of getting even older. i have to get back into a routine and i have to stay on top of this.

for the past 4 weeks, i've been diligently weighing myself and tracking my calories, and continuing to only eat homemade, scratch made. if i want mashed potatoes bad enough, i will make them, and not from a package. luckily i'm an amazing cook, so i'm never tired of what i make, but i am spending a pretty significant amount of time in the kitchen between cooking and cleaning the dishes (no dishwasher T_T). kind of tossing around trying one of those hipster curated grocery boxes one week. we'll see.

so yeah now i'm down 15 and hope to get my weights back from DR's house sometime soon as he forgot to return them before going back to school. this time around, there's no one here to tell me how disgusting my boobs look now that i've lost weight, or to openly ogle other women in front of me because i was getting checked out more. ugh. anyway, excited to feel strong again. don't even care about clothes or dudes. i miss being in that body.

what else? this weather. on saturday, it was the first day of fall weather. i went out after exhausting phone ordeal part 1, and it was ... transcendental. my only wish is that i can have one more day like this before the season is over, but without the sour start.

it was a perfectly sunny clear day and about 60-65 degrees (depending on my elevation). minimal humidity, just enough to feel clean and crisp. not a single cloud in the perfectly clear blue sky. the leaves down here are that deep, dull green of the late season right now, but the leaves up there were already changing, and some of the tops of trees were already orange and yellow. it smelled like flowers and hay and wet grass, and the sunlight coming through the trees dappled the streets before me. it was beautiful and picturesque. my playlist was on point, timed perfectly. i just kept thinking all day, despite everything, "this is a blessed day and i am happy to be alive."

it's scary out there right now, but at least i still have this. at least i have my brother, one of the only other people who understands this shit. he had such a poignant quote on that, i forgot to mention earlier. i told him that he was one of the only people who understands because he was there. i said, you try to explain your interactions to an outside party but they don't get it. they just think, "isn't your mom the one who took you on an extravagant vacation last year? didn't she buy you [x]? she can't be all that bad." but they don't know the years and years of backstory and manipulative intention behind these generous acts. they hear you quote her and think, "yeah, i guess that was kind of rude," but they don't have the years of context to help them understand how she chose those particular words because she knew they would hurt you.

she was arguing with my brother about giving him a birthday gift, and he said he really didn't want anything except for her and my stepdad to come visit as they promised they would. of course we're not going to do that, so what's something i can buy you? he said he was telling her absurd things because she just couldn't understand how he didn't want something, because you know she loves to spend money. he said to me, you know the thing is, she wants to get me something to buy herself the room to criticize me. and i was like wow, dude. that was a statement. wow.

after two hours we finally were wrapping it up, and kept apologizing to each other for derailing our original conversation so much but agreed that it was really cathartic to be able to reach out to another person who is firmly anchored in the same reality you are, and when you both look at the same thing you both agree it is real.

i wonder if i'll ever be able to have a normal relationship again. i joined a CPTSD subrddt and there are so many other people who have had the same exact experiences as me, same exact conversations. exact quotes sometimes. a lot of people say you can go on to have normal relationships and lives and be happy but i really have serious doubts about myself. after all of this, all of these years with my mother and boy and all of this ... i feel so exhausted. i desire less and less human interaction. quarantine has genuinely been the best time i've had in my life. except for these conversations with my mother, i've had almost nothing to worry about. it has been the first time in my life i have had essentially no worries, no stress, no obligations, no awkward social interactions.

i was forced to venture out to get something essential about a month ago and PM happened to be working. he seemed excited to see me and we chatted for a little bit, both explaining how boring we were, and he seemed to kind of want me to text him but i'm just like ... eh. i don't feel like i have the social energy. i like him so much but i am so afraid of relationships. hardly any of the ones in my life so far have been uncomplicated.

i think of that scene in midsommar so much, when pelle asks "do you feel held by him?" i've never felt held by anyone in my life, but especially my mother. it's so alienating. it's like there is something wrong with your very essence, people just don't understand. it is impossible to hang out with PM and talk about anything without having to reveal a little bit of this fucked up web. it's impossible to hang out with ANYBODY new because of this. i have to be so evasive, so guarded. i've become pretty resentful of this as i've gotten older, and more time has passed, especially this period after boy. they took so much from me and it's so hard to accept that sometimes.

this is the craziest most rambling return to this diary and i apologize to anyone reading this and to my future self trying to understand it. but that conversation with my brother was wild. we were both just full yelling and shaking with anger as we recalled our interactions. it felt SO good to get it out, but it's so sad. he was like, i wish i could just call my mom to tell her something about my day or vent without it becoming a teardown of my character. like i wish i could just call and tell her information, and she would laugh or say mhmm or wow, that sucks, and then hang up. that's it. i am super thankful we have each other but i wish i knew what it was like to have a mom.

my cat is not only a very accomplished mouser by now but also super snuggly since it got chilly. i wake up in the very early morning to a little face looking into mine, then a big body tucking itself up against me. it's nice. i still think about my little babyboy every single day - i still can't really express how heartbroken i am over him. but mr. big is a great buddy in his own way, and we have become very close. he's attached to my hip right now. i am thankful for him. but the other day i was in my bedroom, and for a moment, out of the corner of my eye, i thought i saw babyboy. it was just some laundry but such a sadness washed over me. he was taken from me way too soon.

whew. thanks for being here with me through all that. i skimmed over it and tried to edit but i'm sure i did a poor job. this was just an emotional entry and an emotional day and i'm just excited to slip into my giant bed in my chilly room with my chubby cat and forget it all.

kind of have more to say but i sat here and wrote this until midnight!? jeez. enough already. goodnight <3

2022-01-05: still alive.
2021-08-10: vibrations.
2021-08-05: mom.
2021-04-21: checking in.
2020-10-27: good thoughts, bad thoughts.



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i am a horrible person. i'm insecure. i'm crass, i'm cruel. i love but i am heartless. i write these things so i never forget who i am. in here, i withhold nothing. i live my life with no filter. this is the ugly, honest, hurtful, barebones, truth. i am not right. i am contagious.

i am trying my hardest to be a better person.