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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
i am not doing well.
2023-06-06 @ 1:58 p.m.
i've been so depressed since i lost my grandmother that i just ... could barely function. i thought i was doing alright at first, just sad as one would naturally be, but it just turned into my anxiety ramping up to intolerable levels and depression that was - and is - so crushing that i was starting to feel like i couldn't even breathe anymore. for my birthday this year i thought, i'm going to really go back to therapy and get medicated because i just can't live like this anymore. i feel so terrible that i'm not going to make it much longer like this. and then last night, i had to put mr. big to sleep, and i just ... can't even move. if i felt like i couldn't take any more before this, i'm certainly at my limit now. it was sudden, just like before. one minute we were having a normal day together and now i am alone, again. we only had three beautiful years together. it's just so unfair. life is so unfair. i feel like my chest is going to cave in. my depression had become so that i could no longer feel any pleasure in anything anymore and i was barely leaving the house before this. but waking up to my boy was the one bright spot in this cruel fucking world. yesterday he came into my room in the morning and snuggled next to me like he did every day, but he was laying like a weirdo with his tail draped over my face. it was annoying because it was really early and i wanted to go back to sleep but he was of course being a cat and was flipping it all around and it was going into my nostrils and mouth. i just laughed and dealt with it because i know these tiny moments are priceless and eventually he fell asleep and so did i. i could have never known then how valuable it truly was. now i'm just sitting here staring into space. i'm just so physically and emotionally drained. if the well had run dry before, this is like someone came through and smashed it with a sledgehammer, for no reason. i've been through so much, and i've lost so much, and i was just trying to eke out this meager little existence but i feel like i can't even have this. i've done everything in my life for someone else and i've never gotten anything but fucked in return and after a while it's just too much. this is too much. i feel like i'm in a dream, walking through sand and fog. while at the hospital last night i was just sitting there, wondering if it was a dream. "is this really happening?" i kept thinking to myself. "this can't be happening." i don't even know what else to say. |