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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
losing everything.
2006-08-19 @ 4:52 p.m.
i had a diary-x, as my real self, in which i recorded all of the heavy, serious, life changing things that happened to me. i wrote down some things years ago and when i looked back at them i didn't even remember them as happening to me. the diary-x crashed and they lost everything. something inside of me was lost forever. i said something about it, and someone tried to console me by saying that the words weren't the experiences, and that i would always remember them. but they were wrong. the words WERE the experiences. the specific sounds, smells, feelings, everything. those things were the experiences because they helped me remember those times exactly as they were. i could close my eyes and be there again. for some of those times i would never want that. but other times ... like when i lost someone i loved and still love ... i wish i could be there with them again. see their faces and live that day again. as i get older my memory will fade even more. and that was all i had. those were moments that defined me. it's my fault for not writing those words in a conventional paper diary in the first place. it's better to blame yourself than other people. when you maintain an internal locus of control you understand that no one is responsible for your destiny but you. what i really think is that they should have worked a little fucking harder to make sure the goddamned servers were backed the fuck up. there's 3 years of my fucking life, completely obscured. |