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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
violating what`s good.
2006-10-17 @ 9:43 p.m.
i want one of my students. it's so hard to resist him. he is cute. he's so ... i don't know the word for him. he's so honest, unassuming, sweet. he's one of those kids who had a real family the whole time he was growing up. he's completely normal. he plays sports, is okay in school. completely normal. i feel like a horrible person for feeling this way. like i will corrupt him. it's just that i see him and it's like we're from two completely different places. i'm dark and evil, like some kind of plague. my sickness makes me sick. but he's this wonderful, beautiful thing. like a white bird flying through the wasteland. i know it sounds silly and really cliched. but it's true. i think i'm drawn to him because he has everything i ever wanted when i was younger. everything in me is reaching out to him. the hardest part is that he asked me if we were friends. i said that i'm not allowed to be friends with my students, and he didn't understand why not. it's like he can't even imagine why that wouldn't be a good idea. and of course i, the disgusting perverted person that i am, find myself attracted to him. i daydream about him. i make plans with myself for how he and i can find ourselves together in secret trysts. it makes me hate myself, and it makes me hate him for being such a warm and perfect center of this disgusting earth. i am in love with him, but i can't tell if it's him, or the idea of him, or what he represents. it's probably my lonliness speaking. or my depravity. |