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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
i understand now.
2010-05-18 @ 11:09 p.m.
i was SO MAD, so HURT, and so confused that i didn't know what to say really. i did cry, long and hard and all night that night. i couldn't go to work yesterday. i just couldn't believe what he said. he said he was sorry, he kept punctuating every sentence with "im sorry im so sorry," putting it at the beginning and end of each sentence as though it were a parenthesis or a quotation mark. after i posted that, he said "i dont want to lose you but i had to say something" ... and "ur gorgeous" and at the time i didn't really understand what he meant, and later on he added, "im sorry i ruined everything ... ill leave u alone now im sorry," which just made me MORE angry. i refused to speak or reply to him even when he tried to send me the same little good morning texts that usually make me feel so loved and joyful, and eventually explained that i needed some time. truthfully, i didn't want to never speak to him again, because i do love him, and i do need to lose some weight. but i just didn't understand. finally today i texted him good morning and told him that i don't like not talking to him and that he needs to work on his tact, if we're doing self-improvement projects. he asked me to please call him later, so i did. at first it was strained, and i wasn't going to bring it up. then he just came out and told me how sorry he was, and that he knew he wasn't tactful, but didn't know how else to say it. i asked, why did you wait so long? why didn't you tell me from the beginning? and the reason that i forgave him for all of this is because he finally told me he loves me. he said it out loud. he said, i'm sorry to say it like this over the phone. and then he told me that it's ALWAYS been an issue for him, since day one, but he liked me so much and i'm the best thing that ever happened to him and he thought he could just get over it. and he just kept saying, "i'm so glad i'm talking to you right now. i'm so happy you still want to talk to me." and i realized that this man wasn't trying to trick me or manipulate me or get one foot out the door. he waited this long to tell me because he knew if he had said it any earlier that i would have told him to fuck off and never speak to me again. he truly didn't want to lose me. he wants to be with me forever. and i want to be with him, so i am willing to do this to make both of us healthier. i know it comes off as weakness on my part, but i love him more than life. i need to take better care of myself, and i think this qualifies as the right reason to do it. i love this man, and he loves me. and now i know it for sure, even though he's horrible at telling me. |