i guess a little bit of what i wanted to discuss last night was about how many of the people i know are in unhealthy relationships, and how they choose to continue them. i guess it makes me mad when they're going on and on about this horrible fucking thing that the person did to them, because the simple solution is to tell them to fuck off and never speak to them again. why don't they do this instead of perpetuating something that ruins their lives? i hate to feel shitty about myself, or to argue with someone, or to wake up or go to bed angry. but i guess some people feed off of this or something, because that's the only thing that explains why they would tolerate some of this nonsense.

the other thing that i wanted to address (related to shitty relationships) was how i know i'm never having kids. i just don't want them, i don't like them, i do not have the patience for them, ad. infinitum. like truly, when people TELL ME (people who don't even know me, 99% of the time) that i'll "change my mind" or "it's different when it's your own" ... no, it's not. i look at babies and little kids and might as well be looking at a wall or a brick, but not even a particularly interesting one. i feel nothing toward them, and never have. i'm just one of those women with no maternal instinct, and i know this about myself, and i don't romanticize the what ifs and maybes because i am a practical and pragmatic woman as well.

so while i'm not excited about yet willing to be cool with boyfriend's son, i know i'm not going to enjoy having a small child in my life. i love boyfriend to death, but even living with him alone, while i only get to see him about 5 hours a day, sometimes i am frustrated by the noise and stuff that he generates and find myself feeling claustrophobic and smothered. i can't even begin to imagine this unpleasantness x1000. and people say, "oh but just one smile from my baby makes me realize it was all worth it!" but again, no. too many of those people are in denial. i've read too many studies where parents have said that they wouldn't do it again if they had the choice. i'm not living my life for anyone but myself. i only get this one, and i'm not going to live it with a clingy, lifelong regret, no matter what anyone says.

this is where it all comes back together. best friend was telling me the other day how she can't believe how things went so downhill with her boyfriend (who is the father of her child). she was childfree with me for years, saying she had no interest. then after two abortions because she's irresponsible and didn't want to be bothered to get on birth control, she decided to keep the 3rd pregnancy because she was far along and the guy was begging her to have a kid. i told her it was a horrible idea because when she met him, this guy was a raging alcoholic who was cheating on his wife (who was a mutual friend of ours by the way), but she thought it was so romantic and that he was only cheating on his wife because she couldn't get pregnant and all he wanted was a family and security.

i told best friend that she was an idiot and sent her addresses of abortion providers in the area who would terminate so far along, then i told her again that having a kid with this particular guy was a horrible, terrible idea that she would regret. she responded with a nasty email saying that i had no idea what i was talking about and i only wanted her to abort because i hate kids.

i said, sure, i hate kids, but i hate it even more when i know they will be born into a broken household to a parent who doesn't want them and will forever view them as an inconvenience.

fast forward to december 09, when girlfriend and her boyfriend were barely speaking, and he was disappearing in the middle of the night because HE was stressed about the baby coming (he's been unemployed for 6 months at that point, and not looking for a job. it's more convenient to him to let best friend support him).

fast forward further to now, where best friend texts me this morning freaking out because she returned to her apartment (after spending the night at her mom's last night) this morning to find a naked drunk girl in her bed, vomit everywhere, and boyfriend telling her not to come in to her own place that he pays absolutely nothing towards.

so he has a warrant out for his arrest for some shit he did a year ago, and i told her to call the cops on him. "no, i can't, i don't want to cause a scene." call the landlord and have him removed from the lease. "i don't know ... they wanted him on there because he lives here." TELL HIM TO GET THE FUCK OUT, AND HAVE THE LOCKS CHANGED. "well he doesn't have anywhere else to go."

does it really matter??? imagine coming home to the apartment you pay for, pay ALL the bills for, with your baby that you only had because your boyfriend told you he wanted one, to find your boyfriend in your bed that you bought with some random naked girl. imagine that.

now try to understand why i will never have children. i don't want them anyway, then imagine this happening. the fact of the matter is, you don't ever REALLY know anyone in this world. you may think you do, but you don't. i watch these 48 hours mystery shows where people are married for 30 years, then suddenly one spouse murders the other and no one, not even the murdered spouse, saw it coming. i watched a show about this the other day where the woman actually survived two attempted murders by her husband, and even at the time of the second, more blatant attempt, she wasn't even quite sure until later what was going on. she said she actually felt bad for him because he seemed stressed out and upset about something.

maybe i'm just a pessimist, a cynic with no faith in humanity. well, not maybe, yes, i am. but even admitting that i can't see what it is that people like about kids, i still can't understand why so many people continue to have them when they know they're doomed before go. when you're not responsible enough and self-respecting enough to correct your own situation, why drag another party into it? especially someone who has no choice and no chance?

2012-12-17: heavy.
2012-12-15: undertow.
2012-12-14: nothing new.
2012-12-11: so, how was it?
2012-12-06: sex and physical therapy don't mix.



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i am a horrible person. i'm insecure. i'm crass, i'm cruel. i love but i am heartless. i write these things so i never forget who i am. in here, i withhold nothing. i live my life with no filter. this is the ugly, honest, hurtful, barebones, truth. i am not right. i am contagious.

i am trying my hardest to be a better person.