| profile entries archives refresh |
 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
yet another ruined day.
2010-08-08 @ 9:43 p.m.
i am made of stress. it's so weird how another person's stress becomes yours, particularly when you live together. it's like electricity. you can feel it in the air, crackling. it starts to rest on your shoulders, and your back, and you begin to shudder beneath its weight. it's heavy, and it hurts. boy has been trying to make amends with his mother for some time now. she was the one who was wrong, and he told her so, and recently she finally apologized but that was it. he remained bitter and upset because he felt it wasn't enough. he wants a relationship with her again, but never was able to clearly communicate this to her; instead, every time he communicated with her, it was angry and accusatory and rambling, unclear. she then withdraws, tries to make him feel guilty, and he goes back to being angry and bitter, and the cycle continues. today, we were having our first day together in sooo long. i feel like i haven't seen him in weeks even though he lives in my house. but every day he leaves for work at 5, gets home from work at 4:15, smokes a bowl for a while then showers til 5:30-6, helps me cook dinner or doesn't, we eat til 7:30, he smokes again til 8 or so while i clean the kitchen, then manages to stay awake for about 30 or so minutes, but ends up falling asleep around 8:45-9pm. we barely have sex anymore because he's always asleep before i can get into the showers, and since he eats absolutely nothing from 5am-7pm, we can't do it before dinner because he's so hungry it hurts. he's been working weekends and that's really great. i am honestly happy for him because this extra money is enabling him to finish getting his teeth fixed (this friday! he's been waiting 14 years for this), and in september to finally begin the divorce proceedings. but i don't see him anymore. we still talk and laugh and kiss and he touches my hands and arms in bed, but his head touches the pillow and less than 5 minutes later, he's out, and i'm alone again. but today. i was so excited because there was none of that. just the whole day before us. we slept in, had coffee, laughed and talked for a few hours, and set out to go grocery shopping. and then his mother called, and the whole rest of the day was ruined. he was in a horrible mood, and would barely speak because all he was doing was thinking and grinding his gears about how angry he was with her and how he just wanted a mother, but somehow wanted her to psychically pick up this information since he's too stubborn to ask her and she's too stubborn to ask him. so i just sat in the basement with him as he sat there with his hands angrily stuffed into his armpits, shaking his head, typing out lines of a text message and deleting them over and over again. i hope this is a period that will pass. i still love him uncontrollably, and we still kiss and smile and linger too long and touch each other in the small of the back. i guess this is what being an adult is. but i miss him so much. SO much. |