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�what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux

"i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes

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love. just love.
2010-11-01 @ 12:27 p.m.


i don't even know where to begin. perhaps i should put it in blocks by day?

friday
boy had to go to his son's final baseball game. i was going to cook, so i told him that as long as he was going to be arriving at or before 9, dinner was still on. i made a fantastic, i mean fantastic, dinner and we ate it and retired to the basement where we set up the hookah (the picture i found is probably the newer version; the one we have has a frosted glass instead of the blue). the hookah was ridiculous. we were trying to figure out why it was so much more intense, and we suppose that it could be that you have to suck so much more, so you're getting a lot of air, too, kind of making you more light-headed. then there's the issue of it being essentially a water pipe, so the smoke is so cool that you can hardly tell when you've hit it too hard until it's too late. so like, needless to say, we were tore up. seriously.

saturday
we woke up and didn't remember anything about the night before. it was crazy. we had delicious coffee for breakfast, then he decided he really needed a new winter coat, so we went shopping. i've mentioned before that this man is a girl, so he is crazy for shopping. we had a store itinerary of like 5 places, in order of "probably best coat selection," but never made it out of target because he has to look at everything. he did find a gorgeous coat that fit him absolutely perfectly, so we decided to just get everything else that we needed at target because the coat search was over. just as we were finishing up and getting ready to have lunch, he got a call from his weed guy who told him he had something new called "white fairy" or "white berry," he didn't catch which, and that it was so good that he "should probably double up." we planned for me to go home and make dinner, and for him to go pick up the product. he'd be back by time dinner was ready.

so that's exactly what we did. he came home and packed the hookah with "white berry" (the guy actually looked at him like he was an asshole when he said "white fairy") and we smoked a little and ate dinner. again, fantastic. i outdo myself. we went back and smoked more, and i massaged him, a lot like i did when i was up at his house last week. he was making these crazy sounds, and telling me how wonderful he thinks i am and how happy he is with me. we were talking some kind of silly nonsense, and he kept saying that i'm the only person he knows who could appreciate his weird sense of humor and his stupid jokes. i said something along the lines of, "well what i like is that you're so ridiculous and weird and kinda lame and you're not afraid of it," and he said, "you don't understand. i couldn't even have a conversation with some of the girls i used to date." we were all lovey-eyed at that point, so we went upstairs and i immediately jumped on him and had to have my way. he came really hard, and quite a lot, and it was everywhere. all over me, him, my chocolate brown couch. of course i licked him clean, but my couch is a different matter. i guess i'll address that today. we ate some cake, played some wii, then headed to bed.

sunday
he wanted to go to this place to get acrylic jewelry for his tongue, and a new "travel bowl," so we planned our trip to find it. he told me he planned to leave really late, because he wanted to be able to spend as much time as possible with me. he said, "i know it's kind of selfish because i really just don't want to be alone," and i told him not to be silly - if i could tie him up and never let him leave, i would do it. and he said he wished he could just pick my house up and move it 2 hours north, because he wants nothing more than to be with me every single day, all day.

then we started talking about how we even met in the first place, because neither of us could remember. like, he remembered our first kiss ever, which he actually said he could never ever forget. he said he could never ever forget me, even as he was going through the motions for all those years. he said i was always there, in the back of his mind. i'm the only one he kept there no matter what.

we went back in time, trying to remember our first encounter. i remembered the first time i realized i thought he was cute - we were both out with groups of friends back in high school, and our separate groups ran into each other and stopped to talk. i remember asking someone later what his deal was - he had blue hair and i hadn't seen him before in school, and someone told me he was a neo-nazi who was just back from rehab for a heroin addiction. i was kind of disappointed to hear that, but i kept running into this guy in school and he seemed really nice.

he remembered us hanging out at a party at a mutual friend's house as the first time we really talked, and he was probably right about that, but i don't remember the party well.

then we pieced together the evolution of our relationship and the resulting destruction of the relationships we abandoned for each other, the prom we wanted to go to together but couldn't, and the reason we broke up and lost contact for 7 years. a lot of blanks were filled in, and we realized just how powerful love is - and how powerful true love and that kind of soul bond that people talk about can be. he told me about his years of regretting what he did to me to cause our breakup, and how the letter that i sent him randomly, about 4-5 years into not having seen or heard from him, reignited this spark and yearning and made him realize that there was something there, something really important, that made him unable to forget me.

it was really intense. just to see that look in someone's eyes, that look of absolute certainty that you belong in their life. he said, "wow. so we must have first met when we were 16, right?" and i said yeah, and he said, "i think we need a little time apart. we're 11 years into this thing!"

we went out and did our thing (didn't find anything we were looking for, by the way. what we DID find, however, was a beautiful, huge oil painting of angels and ladies bathing and lounging, but where their faces should have been were small black and white magazine cut outs of angela lansbury's face. wtf?), and returned much later and were sitting around smoking again. i was running to the door to serve trick or treaters, and when i came back at one point, he was just sitting back in the chair and smiling at me, this warm amazing smile. and i said, "what?" and he said, "if we're together for a really long time, i'm going to get a chocolate cupcake tattooed on my ribs." and this slow, wonderfully happy smile started growing on my face, and he smiled that smile that says everything in the world to me, and i said, "can it have a cherry on top?" and he told me, "of course. i've had this planned out for a long time."

i don't even notice anything else when i'm with this man. it's like everything is right in the world, just for a couple of days. my soul seems at ease. i am fulfilled and perfectly happy. really. if i had died last night, just before he had to go back home, i wouldn't have minded.