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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
my friend, my health, and my uterus.
2010-11-28 @ 8:34 p.m.
my best friend can be very annoying, particularly when she wants to do something but i'm not quite ready, or i need to check with someone else first. it's like, the moment she has the desire to do the thing, it's good, but if i wait one more instant beyond that then the mood is completely gone and i don't hear from her again. for example. boy and i are incredibly indecisive together. obnoxiously so. minor decisions sometimes take upwards of an hour because we are both so analytical of everything. the pros and cons must be fully discussed and considered before we can move forward. so we painstakingly discussed and decided and came up with an agenda for yesterday and today, and we had it down. we went to bed last night (no sex this weekend at all; i would have my period right now if i didn't have this IUD so instead i just get the joy of the amazing cramps but no bleeding ... i can actually feel an ovarian cyst on my right side, and it feels like i have a dagger sitting under my skin) and woke up today all ready to get dressed and go on our road trip. friend calls and says, "you guys don't want to go on your trip, it's too cold and it's really far away. instead we should all go to the reading terminal market and the macy's christmas thing." so i said, okay, but we had plans (i told her exactly what we had planned last night, by the way), so let me ask boy and call you right back." i asked and he said yeah, it would be more fun and closer and cheaper, so let's do it. i text her back and she never responded. i called her twice and left a message once and ... nothing. so boy and i ended up sitting around waiting for her for so long that once we realized she probably wasn't going to bother calling back that we couldn't go on the road trip anymore. annoying! the weekend wasn't all lost though - we watched harry potters 2-5, made two fantastic dinners, and enjoyed a pizza for lunch, which i have been craving for some time. tomorrow i'm starting the turbofire program, which allows me to eat pretty much nothing for the first week (nothing delicious i mean), so i figured i should pig out this weekend. i'm really not joking about wanting to be in a size 12 by the end of january. i really actually want to be toned, not necessarily muscular, by the end of this whole thing. what's weird is that i was a size 12 in high school (size 14 currently), but 82 lbs lighter than i am now. i'm just ridiculously curvy. my boobs, my thighs, and my ass get bigger before everything else. i'm at the point where i'm over the boobs thing ... i can't get in any cute shirts anymore, and i don't like having a belly. when i was in high school, i was soft all over. i remember doing these stupid workouts i found in marie claire and cosmo back then, and furiously doing thigh lifts and crunches because i always wanted a flat(ter) belly and smaller thighs. i didn't understand then that i needed to do cardio to get rid of the fat that's covering all the stuff i want to tone. so this time i'm going to do it right. i used to be that girl who was hot. i still feel like i am, but men are attracted more to my confidence and intelligence now than they used to be. i used to be that girl who could wear those tight pants that zip up the back and have heads turn. i'm unemployed, and i might be for another 9 or so months. it's time to do this. there's no reason not to. if not for vanity, for my health. over thanksgiving, which was delightful by the way (boy had a great time and fits right in with my family - they treat him like he's always been there), i saw my poor uncle who had a stroke a few years ago, and he's still confined to a wheelchair, his mental faculties are still not all there, and he just looks so much older than he used to. it's awful. my other uncle, who has poor hygiene and is a generally dirty lout, has a belly that's easily the size of a normal adult and is missing half of his teeth because of diabetes. why am i holding on to these 75 lbs? they won't do anything for me but cause me pain and discomfort. i'm ready. random sidenote: i really want to get to know a drug dealer who sells vicodin, because i just need like 2 per month to get me through these cramps. it's really obnoxious. |