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�what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux

"i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes

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i love you, my dear.

2011-01-04 @ 1:08 a.m.

last night i fell asleep without the aid of sleeping pills, and was so tired that i didn't even hear his alarm go off this morning, i just heard him shuffling quietly in the dark to my side of the bed, and the same thing as always, turning the screen of his phone on so he can see me to kiss me. and i was thinking, my eyes barely even opening in the dim light, how soft your lips are this morning, i love it when you shave. and then, immediately back to sleep, but some time later, i don't know how long, he crept back in for something, and again my eyes and body so heavy i didn't even realize that he had come back until his hand on my shoulder, and a kiss on the cheek.

and those little things always make me so happy. he was with his son today, and tomorrow i will be out with the extended family, but all i will be thinking is how i want to come back home to him. we always complain that we never do anything exciting, but that's because when we're not just together, just sitting and touching our toes or elbows together, we feel like we'll never see each other again. a day apart is too long.

i feel like there are these long, delicate, shimmering tendrils reaching out from my heart toward his, like these pale outstretched hands in the dark. and when my hands find his, i am back together. i am 100%. it feels like something clamping shut inside of me, but in a good way, the way you close your bedroom door at night, or pull the covers over yourself and rub chilly noses in the dark. when we look at each other, it's just the two of us, still. it hasn't gone away.

while we were at dinner last night, he called my brother his brother, in a serious way, and i thought it was so wonderful. if my love for him were a generator, i could power a small city. he has my heart.