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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
a really long explanation of my really fucking annoying week.
2011-01-20 @ 12:05 p.m.
it all started on friday. he was already stressed because he didn't work last wednesday, due to the snow, so he knew his check was going to be a bit low and the freaking out started. he also knew that friday he had a half day because the job was in a weird state of transition, and that monday he would most likely be off. the shitty mood seed was planted. he was driving home from work on friday and she called, saying "i'm at the courthouse [so we can get divorced/i can sign the papers saying i don't need spousal support anymore], where are you?" and he thought she was just being a jackass, because that's what she's doing 99% of the time. so he just ignored her call, but she kept calling back, and finally she was like, "well obviously you don't care so i'm just going to go home then," and he realized she was really there, so he rushed over there to meet her. a couple hours later, and of her own volition, she filled out the paperwork saying she no longer wants to receive spousal support. that is an extra $800/month he will have in a couple weeks, once the judge signs it. it's so wonderful. and neither he nor i could really believe that it was done, and so easily. i had been homebound for about a week and a half as a result of the whole car thing, and not having any money myself (christmas money i had received was loaned to him, and i charged $500 to my almost maxed credit card to pay for his rental car), so we decided to go out to dinner to celebrate that it was almost over. we smoked beforehand, then got pretty drunk at the restaurant, and came home and felt amazing. we were just giggling and smiling and feeling good, then she called. bf answered the phone all excited because he thought it was A, but her voice is there saying, "you need to talk to your son because he's here saying [tinea]'s more important than me." and bf kind of didn't know what to say, because, well. i am. but he had to speak to his son about disrespecting his mother, because it's not right, no matter how much of a fucking asshole she may be. that conversation made him really mad for some reason, and his mood did not improve. saturday we went on a little trip to get some things from this little village we like. that was an alright time, but he was a little distant and moody all day. like he wasn't 100% there. he still made his usual totally inappropriate sexual innuendo laced comments while we were out, but he didn't say much the rest of the time. sunday was alright, but he was still moody and distant. his new thing was, if i said something like, "i'm going to take a shower" before i got up and left the room he'd respond with a really rude, "okaaay?" in that tone of voice that says, "why the fuck are you telling me this? i don't care." that was awesome, and he kept on that for days. monday came, and he didn't have work. that was big bad mood day 1. he woke up and couldn't sleep again, so he was all grumbly and shitty all morning. i don't even remember the rest of the day because it was a blur of snarky comments and not speaking much, but i made homemade waffles and some other things for breakfast, and that was fun, but the rest of the day was wasted. tuesday, he was shitty again, especially because asshole called him at like 6:30am and had some random dude say shit into the phone. she did this twice after he hung up on her. i had to go get my dye retouched, so i went and did that and came back home and we decided to just go out to dinner. the jamaican place we wanted to go to didn't have plantains anymore, so that really ruined his mood. we hadn't had sex in days so i was dying for it and decided to tell him during dinner. he loves it when i talk dirty to him loudly in public places, so i guess he got a little perked up thinking about that. we went home and he gave me more lip, so when he asked what movie we should watch, i finally responded, "i don't know, the one where a guy is being really mean to a girl for no reason?" and it took him a minute to register what i was saying, and he apologized for being shitty, but he said he thought he was just kidding. not with that tone, buddy. you were just being super rude. he yelled at me for trying to fool around when one of the cats was nearby, saying that he refuses to do anything sexual with a child or animal nearby. the child thing is just fucking weird, because who does that, but who the fuck cares what my cat thinks? he's looking at the inside of his eyelids. despite yet another random outburst, we did end up having pretty incredible sex that night. not as good as when he's not being a dick, but it was pretty good. the highlight of the evening was me on top, and he somehow knew when i was going to cum so he pulled out and i swear what felt like a gallon of girl cum shot out. it was awesome. then yesterday. i thought he'd be in a better mood since the previous night was delightful, but he wasn't, he was just as sour because he was thinking about his finances and realized how low his check would be since he missed three days of work. he wanted to buy more weed because while he was off, he had smoked it all, but he couldn't afford to get it and pay me and all of the various things he needed money for. he tried to quit smoking again because he realizes how much money it costs him (3 packs a day x $8.25), so he had his last cigarette at 11am and officially became the biggest asshole on the planet. all day, he was nasty. since we had been stuck inside for a few days straight, and he was trying to save some cash, we decided to go to sam's to stock up on some stuff we needed and that i could pack for him in the morning so he wouldn't go to wawa and spend $20 a clip like he always does. we came home from sam's and were chilling out in the basement, and he kept bitching that he was so hungry, so hungry, and he wanted dinner early. i told him to have a small lunch (this was around 3pm) and we'd eat at 6, but he said lunch was too much food. as i had a small boneless chicken thigh and about 1/4 cup of rice for lunch, he was prowling around the kitchen and ate at least 5 rugala, random lunchmeat out of the fridge, some cheese, half a bag of pizza goldfish, and some macaroons. i was so annoyed that he wouldn't just eat lunch, but that was his choice. we continued hanging out down there and at like 4:45 he was "starrrrving." why the fuck didn't you just eat a real lunch, i don't know. but okay. he said, "let's start cooking at 5." so he's busy watching some movie at 5, and i went upstairs to start cooking. a half an hour goes by, and he comes up like, "where did you go? oh, i didn't know you were cooking. did you need help?" 1) wow, REALLY? 2) yeah you asshole, you said let's start cooking at 5! and 3) YEAH I NEEDED HELP, I SAID THAT EARLIER. so we made the food and got done later than anticipated because he didn't like the texture of the sauce. we sat down on the couch in the living room to watch a movie, because he bitched all day that he wanted to watch a movie, and he fell asleep at 7:11pm. REALLY????? WTF! so instead of getting yelled at for waking him up, i just did whatever i was going to do for the evening. i packed his lunch, cleaned the kitchen, took a shower, and did some laundry. he woke up at 9-something and went into the basement to smoke, exclaiming, "i'm not even tired. what the fuck." i heard his son calling so i went down there to smoke with him but also overhear the conversation to see if he was just being a douche to me, of if anyone was fair game. he's talking to A and asshole was in the background, distracting him, so he started yelling at A and made him cry. asshole got on the phone and proceeded to tell him he was a horrible father, he didn't love his son, etc etc. bf freaked out and tried to call her back but she only answered to say some stupid remark, then hung up, so bf got up and threw his phone and stomped out of the room into the garage for a cigarette, but there were none. he came back all crazy, in a rage, and just said, "i just want to go to bed. i'm not even tired." so i went up with him, because that's what i always do, and i kissed his shoulder goodnight since he was turned away from me, and i said, "goodnight," and he just ignored me. usually i wait until he falls asleep, but i just left. about 15 minutes later he stormed downstairs, into the basement, and spent an hour or so down there, then stormed back upstairs to the bedroom, got dressed, and left. i knew he was going to wawa to buy cigarettes, and that he did. when he came back he just stayed in the basement, so i ended up going to bed alone. he came to bed as i was falling asleep and said, "why didn't you come talk to me or something?" and i said, "i was afraid to. i didn't want to get yelled at." he said, "i'd never yell at you," and i responded, "well you weren't yelling, but you were being really mean to me. all day. for a few days actually." he sat up and told me that he just lets things eat him and eat him until he's all worked up and fully pissed off. nothing comes fast enough, and everything is always "someday." i was like hey man, that's life, so if you can't stand it you'd better check out now. he said that he just can't wait for when "someday" finally arrives, so he can have the best day of his life. i told him that when someday comes, he'll find something else he wants. that's just how things go. he felt really bad and said he was sorry for being mean to me and that he really wants to quit smoking, it's just so hard. i told him i'd support him in anything he does, just as he has been so supportive of me in this weight loss thing. for the first time in a few days, he opened up his blanket and let me come in, and he squeezed me into his chest and kissed my head, and as mad as i've been at him for the past-almost-week, it all went away in that moment of sweetness. he rolled over so i could give him a backrub, and afterward he still wasn't tired so we had a little quickie. it was a good one and i passed out pretty promptly. he just called me a little while ago and sounded back to his normal self, which is a relief. i didn't want to have to go to prison for stabbing him in the face. i'm ready. i'm ready to find a job that i don't hate so i'm making a lot of money again. i'm ready to buy my new car and for the two of us to move in together somewhere that he doesn't have a 2 hour commute to work. we make great roomates, best friends, and even better lovers. i'm just ready to stop marinating in this stress stew and get on with our lives. |