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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
one more of many realizations on the same subject.
2011-01-22 @ 7:56 p.m.
me and A were left here together today because bf had to work, and i was thinking to myself, "wow. this is really miserable. i can see why some mothers literally go insane." the kid's a nice kid, as i've said before, but there's just so much loud and fidgety and demanding and impatient and needy and helplessness that i can usually take, and this is all at one time rolled into one small person who you know can't help it. and you kind of hate yourself a little bit for being annoyed by them, but not really that much because now you know why when you're trying to run into the grocery store and grab something and you see that one parent with the wailing kid and the dead eyes, those people look like they wish they were anywhere with anyone else in the world but their kid. you know they're thinking, "why the fuck did i do this? everyone's been lying to me this whole time." but these weekends make me understand those people, is what i mean. and like i said, you don't hate yourself all that much for not liking kids because you know what your life could be like if you had them, and that's shitty. there are simply two kinds of people: those who like kids and those who do not. i don't think you can be very unsure about this one. and that's why it's so ridiculous when i see bf come home from a long day at work, and i go to greet him but his son doesn't and he's like, "uh hello?" and his kid is like "oh hi," and he's all upset that his kid doesn't think the sun sets on him anymore. and i'm thinking, just wait til this kid is 12 and he fucking HATES you. a couple weeks ago when you said you didn't think you liked kids? and that you said you might just be one of those people? you don't. and you are. he's said it in so many different situations and about so many different things. one day we were at sonic and this little girl was screaming in a car next to us and he remarked that he really hated little girls. that's okay! me too! what i mean here is that i really don't want to get to the point in the game here that he's like "i really do want kids though," because where i was on the fence for about a year of our relationship, which i honestly kept a secret to everyone and hate to admit right now because i was so staunch about it. but now that i've done the stepmom/babysitter thing two weekends, i know that it is no longer an option. in no way, shape, or form. no adoption, surrogacy, no nothing. i do not like kids. and i'm not sorry to admit that. you know, there's more. i'm in bed thinking about it. i really like having sex. i really like smoking weed. he also enjoys these hobbies, especially when they are shared. while i could give up the smoking for the greater good, there's no way i would give up sex. especially the good sex we have. on that stupid preview for that movie with braindead ashton kutcher, the one guy remarks, "one day you will be having sex with your wife. and one of you will be asleep." we don't do that. quality sex is important to us. the way i see it, i'd be giving up one of the greatest joys in my life, and with my partner, for some ungrateful little shit i didn't even want. and those stupid people who try to thrust their views on others will try to convince me that I'm selfish and sex is a ridiculous reason not to have kids, but you have to be selfish to get ahead in life. in the end, when i look back at my life i don't want to hate any part of it, and i want to know that i did my best to be happy and successful. right now i'm laying here knowing that he won't get to bed before i'm asleep. and even if i'm still awake he won't want to fool around. he'll be too nervous A will hear us. what if there was a baby around? or even worse, a toddler? we'd never fuck again. and his job is always first, before all of us. will i have to endure the little time we have together after we both get home from work wiping asses and listening to mindless chatter? what a pathetic life. some people are into that sort of thing, but it's absolutely not for me. the end this time. |