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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
further explanation:
2011-02-05 @ 3:45 p.m.
since he first told me about my weight being an issue, way back in may, it's been in the back of my mind, eating away at my confidence. i was one of those big girls who thought she was hot shit. men still love me, i'm in amazing health despite carrying about 50 extra pounds, and every person who sees me then finds out my weight, including my doctors, have all said that they can't believe how well i carry it. all of that considered, it's still kind of soul crushing to hear from the one person in the world that you want to see you as perfect ... that you're not. i'd been working on it and at it and i posted the other day that he was still finding it an issue (because it was coming off remarkably slowly), but it was only an issue because he could tell it was bothering me. and it was. i was feeling like a failure, and i was thinking to myself that he wasn't going to be attracted to me anymore, and even though he was telling me that i was the perfect woman for him and that he's never been with anyone as great as i am, my weight was just eating at me. constantly. and i let it affect my attitude and my mannerisms and my interactions with him, becoming "timid," because somehow in my head i was telling myself that he would shrug me off and i would feel stupid and rejected, because (he doesn't know this) it has happened to me before (but for other reasons, with other guys). so when he called me last weekend to tell me that stuff, i kind of shut down. i took it in, i processed it, and felt like i was ready to take it head on, but for some reason i spent three days feeling miserable and shitty about myself, then i spent the rest of the week until today being standoffish and uncomfortable in my own skin. it felt like we were roomates this past week. somehow my brain got to the point where i was convinced that he found me repellent, even though he had told me exactly otherwise. this morning he woke up to go to work and i was tossing and turning in bed, my stomach in knots, and i finally just texted him, "are we not having sex because you don't want to right now or because i wrongly assumed you don't want to?" and he responded that he more than wanted to but i was just acting so weird. he called me on his way to her house (long story about why he's back to that again) to spend the night with little A, and i was telling him my worries, and he was saying that all he wants is to be with me, and that weight, though his preference is for a smaller size person, would never be something that would make him think that i was any less amazing. it was all i had in me to not cry on the phone, and i was trying to articulate my feelings over the past year, that i was a failure and that i was growing more and more insecure, and he said he could tell i felt that way. that over time, he could tell my confidence was leaving me, and i wasn't acting like "a girl" anymore. and i didn't feel like one. i had been hiding under sweats and not making any moves toward him and not talking dirty like i used to. i told him i was sorry i was feeling so insecure, and he told me that i should never feel insecure around him, of all people. and i thanked him for making me feel good about myself, and he said, "i hope to make you feel good for the next 50 years of our lives." i guess it's just from being with too many guys who just woke up one morning and decided they didn't love me anymore that i doubt him and myself and spend so much time second-guessing and worrying. i said to him near the end of the conversation that i was sorry i was being this way, but "you know how girls can be," and he said he did know. his ex was like that but so extreme. he'd tell her he loved her every day and she'd respond, "no you don't." he stayed with her out of responsibility for their child; he's staying with me because he loves me. i know i said i was going to stop with the silliness and give myself to him, and i really am this time. all it does is hurt me - hurt us - when we doubt each other. it's not fair to take out my issues with the past on the man who wants to marry me now, whom i have loved since high school, whom my heart has waited all these years for. there's no reason and it makes no sense. if we break up, or if he falls out of love with me, there is nothing i can do about it, and i can't imagine my heart hurting any more than it already has in my life. it's called self-sabotage, and i'm going to stop doing it. |