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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
change of heart.
2011-02-24 @ 11:37 a.m.
i was going to post this shitty, miserable post yesterday, but boy got home as i was writing it so i just closed the browser window and walked away. it's a good thing that i didn't post it because today i feel completely different and better. i'm down 7 pounds since the last time i was whining about that, which makes me so happy i can't even explain. i actually gave myself a little clap on the scale after the numbers popped up. last night, boy told me how amazing i was looking, and that he could really see differences. since i was in a shitty mood last night, i was outwardly appreciative, but inside i was still beating myself up because the scale hadn't broken the number i was at yesterday. i'm happy i didn't go on and on about it, and i just had patience and came back to this today, because now i feel amazing. my two best friends from former work are coming over tonight for dinner. i miss seeing them both daily, sometimes, i think. i can never tell how i feel about that. because when we all worked together, we only got together to bitch and moan about how shitty work was (because it REALLY REALLY was, and still is, even more so). but now, i am so happy to be out of there and we see each other so infrequently that i think the quality of the time we spend together is better, rather than a rushed, shared exhaustionfest. i drank so heavily back then, too. we would regularly go out and spend a couple hundred dollars drinking, then go to work the next day. that helped me gain a lot of weight. i would never tell boy this, but when we met, i was 240 lbs. i feel a little sick now when i think about that number. imagine if i had never met boy (well, gotten back together with boy), if i had never gotten laid off, if i had never decided to make a lifestyle change. i KNOW i'd be at least 250 by now. from what i've heard about ex-work this year? at least. my stress level would have been through the roof. so all things do work out, if you want them to. you just have to make it happen. P, who's coming over tonight, loves to tell me that me and boy were all her doing, which it really was. i was so doubtful, wondering if i should contact him, wondering if we should go out, because i knew in the deepest part of my heart that there was still something there and a "date" would turn into something else. i thought i was too busy for it, and i was unsure because he has a kid now, and and and. and she told me that i needed to just take the chance. what did i have to lose? and why not? she said there were so many chances she regrets she never took. and i love her to death, but she's right, because i know i'd never want her life. being afraid has led her to a life of being single, taking care of her sick and now dying mother. her whole adult life. so she genuinely didn't want me to make the same mistake she did, and i didn't, and now look at where i am. i truly couldn't ask to be happier. i am so sore from working out yesterday. i'm going to spend a couple hours playing video games before the ladies arrive, instead of doing cardio. i think my legs would just collapse under me. |