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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
old haunts.
2011-02-19 @ 4:57 p.m.
it was a gorgeous sunny but blustery day. cold though, only making it up to about 48 or so. this is my favorite weather, minus the wind. cold, but not so cold you can't go out and enjoy anything. i didn't go out though; i just sat here with the blinds wide open and played video games while cultivating the most delightful high. the pills were meh and not worth mentioning until i get them perfect, but they did their job today and kept me company in this nice, quiet, clean house. having a clean house is something that i never properly appreciate. i hate doing it so much that it doesn't get done as often as it should, but when i do, i love walking around smelling the clean sheets and the fresh carpet and the orangey fresh scent of the toilet when it flushes. boy and i got some great takeout last night, then he had to work today, so i've been completely alone all day today, but with a clean house because i didn't cook dinner and he skipped dessert so there were no crumbs and cheese and bits of things all over the kitchen floor this morning. this is the longest i've managed to go with the house this clean in a while. i was having random allergies last night so i took some benadryl before bed and of course, i was knocked out within an hour. the interesting part was the fact that my dreams were deep and long and vivid. i had a dream about the old man, the one i used to write about, who ended up leading me on and losing out when i started seeing boy. in the dream, i had gone to school late one day to cover D's class, or her duty or something. it was outside, and the kids were leaving and wandering all around. he spotted me and said he missed me and put his arm around me. i thought it was strange and out of character for him, but of course i liked it. he asked if he could give me a ride somewhere and i accepted, and we were driving together in his car and he was putting his hand on my leg while he was talking, then he was stroking my leg, and for some reason i was wearing a skirt, and his hand was creeping up under it and between my legs and i was incredibly turned on by it, exactly as i would be in real life if this were occurring. but i was thinking to myself in the dream, "goddammit you asshole. why would you wait until i'm with someone? you always knew." he took me to this hotel room he had booked for some reason, and it was really lavish - like ridiculously gold and marble and whatnot - and he started showing me around, but the ultimate goal was for me to come in and check out the bedroom. and there he was, looking at me, and i was so incredibly aroused by the business in the car that i really considered it, but in the end, thinking of boy, i told him i had to go somewhere but thanks for showing me the room. and in the dream, he was sort of like, "really?" and i guess my face was enough for him to realize that yes, i was choosing boy over him, who i had lusted after for so long. it was weird and disorienting when i woke up. not only that i was so hot and bothered, but this kind of dream was so 2 years ago. maybe even 3. i wanted to tell him, text him, email, i'm not sure which would have been more appropriate. but i think i realized that neither would be, and i need to keep this to myself. why does he need to know? what would that accomplish? because i already know how the conversation would go: me: i had a dream about you the other night. and i won't even put in my next response, because it would be the wrong thing to say, and the wrong thing to do. just like when we went out at the end of the year, for my birthday. we were both drunk, and he touched my leg, but too many times, and the way he looks at me gives too much away. and H, sitting across from us had asked him a question but we were too busy giggling at each other, and she said, "oh nevermind. he can't keep his eyes off her." it's one of those places you don't go because you know what will happen there, like when they tell drug addicts to stay away from their old haunts. i would never ever leave boy for him. i wouldn't even risk boy for him. but i cannot deny that his face, and his smile are my old haunts, and my body both craves and shudders to think of them. |