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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
shitty weekend, insecurities.
2011-03-14 @ 11:27 a.m.
he's trying to quit smoking again, so it was a semi-horrible weekend, which really upset me because it's so infrequent that he has both saturday AND sunday off anymore. saturday morning he was all about being nasty and short. he woke up before me and started calling car insurance companies for quotes, and geico told him that his license was coming up as suspended. what the fuck, since 4 months or so ago, he paid like $350 some-odd dollars to restore it and get all his surcharge balance paid off. that started the day off horribly. we immediately got in the car to go to DMV to get this all sorted out, but they told us that they only dealt with his issue in two locations in the entire state, and that he could only go there on tuesday. why is new jersey like this? so we went back home, barely speaking because he was so enraged at the wasted time, and he went outside to work on his car for several hours when we got home. later, i wanted to go shopping, so we went to old navy, target, and were GOING to go to ikea in philly so we could head to this diner i love that's nearby. so first, we went to target and found nothing good, then we went to old navy and found a LOT of good stuff. (if you're into old navy, you should order these before the sale is over! they're sooooo soft and comfy, and show just the right amount of cleavage.) i truly do love shopping with him because he's so girly. i can ask what i look good in, what i should accessorize with, and he's right there with it. so that part of the day was great, but then he started getting grumpy because he wanted to smoke, and everything went downhill. we went go to ikea, and he said he didn't want to go anymore because he was so hungry, and also didn't want to go to the diner because he didn't remember it from when we went the first time and didn't want "meatloaf." (i tried to describe the diner as having "gourmet comfort food," but it's not really; it's just the random variety of things that diners always have, but really high quality.) i tried to look up the menu to show him, but his internet wasn't working on this phone and fucking flash doesn't work on an iphone so he told me to make the decision. i wanted to go, so i went. i paid $4 for the bridge, drove into philly, and parked, and we get in and they tell us there's a 30 minute wait and he said absolutely not. then we're getting into the car, and he's like, "that place smelled like ketchup." i honestly just said fuck you at that comment, because it didn't, and he was just making it up. if he didn't want to eat there in the first place, he should have just said it instead of letting me drive all the way there. so we're leaving and he says, "well now where are we going?" like it was my fault! it was 6:30 on a saturday night in philadelphia. a 30 minute wait is totally awesome. so we turn around and start driving back to NJ, and i told him by time we got to another place and waited there, it would be 30 minutes. and he's like, "why'd you leave then? i thought you wanted to eat there so bad!" and i'm like, are you really fucking serious? after you told me no fewer than 30 times that you didn't want fucking meatloaf which probably isn't even on the menu, then MADE UP a smell of ketchup in your head? so we went to this mexican place i have been to before. it was great, but wasn't what i wanted at all. we got back home and sat around and all that, hours pass, he's falling asleep on the couch and i tried to get him to go to bed and he was really nasty about it. he was so rude that i just left him there, and he didn't wake up until the morning, and was in a shitty mood then too. we barely spoke until i came down to help him fold his laundry, because there were at least 5 loads of it. he thanked me and i made breakfast for us, and it was kind of okay, but he was getting edgy. he kept wandering around in circles, almost going out to the garage then realizing there were no cigarettes in there, and clapping his hands and scratching his head. when he gets really stressed or mad about something, he develops a facial twitch, and it kept happening all morning and well into the afternoon. then, we went grocery shopping. things were going alright for a little while, then out of the blue, when i asked him if he could do something during the week, he made the rudest comment to me. i felt like i had been slapped in the face, and i think my facial expression conveyed my astonishment. i was so mad, and so hurt, that all i could say was, "wow, really?" i actually felt like i was going to cry, right there in the store, so i just walked away from him and continued what i was doing. i guess i just thought that we spoke to each other more respectfully than that. he apologized immediately, but it was more of a "sorry, because i realize that you're really pissed at me," rather than a real "i'm sorry because i hurt your feelings." i explained why i asked HIM to do the thing during the week, and he then said, "oh, that does make sense," but i don't know if it really did to him. i didn't really have much else to say after that, so i just continued shopping in a businesslike manner. he did sidle up alongside me at some point and said, "i'm sorry. i didn't mean to make you upset," but you know, it did. and though you're sorry you made me upset, it doesn't change the sentiment behind the comment. so we went home and went about our business, and he could tell i was still tense and irritated. we smoked, which helped a little bit, but i was still upset. he kept nudging me throughout the evening, then at one point he came and just hugged me, and i guess i stopped being as mad as i was around dinnertime, because i was really pleased with my handiwork. we watched some TV and i ended up giving him a blowjob that blew his mind, and then he was reasonable enough to come up to bed when i asked instead of fighting me. i still feel a little wounded, but i'll get over it. i just know now that i shouldn't bother asking him to do me that favor again, since it's apparently such a big deal. completely unrelated, i've decided that i'm going to get my legs tattooed soon. i've been insecure about them since i was 8 years old, and haven't worn a pair of shorts or a skirt without tights since i was 10. my left leg will be all videogame and cartoon related, and who knows what i'm doing with my right one, but i'd better decide soon. my brother said, "well what if you want to wear a skirt or something?" when i proposed the idea to him initially, not realizing that i never ever do. then i said, "can you remember me wearing shorts or a skirt in the past 17 years?" and he couldn't, which was my point exactly. i just want to feel pretty sometimes, you know? |