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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
goal 1.
2011-03-25 @ 11:30 a.m.
here we are, talking about weight again, but it's necessary. rambling, kind of. i'm 3 lbs away from goal 1. i made an even 200 my goal 1, because i felt like once i was there, i could start being proud of myself. i know losing 15 lbs is something to be proud of in itself, but for me, it's not enough. in my mind, i should have never allowed myself to get to this size in the first place, so 200 is my "real" starting point. i've been in my closet every few days, trying things on, and i fit in most of my college stuff again. university stuff, not community college stuff. i'm really proud of myself, but i'll be even more proud when i don't fit in any of it at all. i was putting on these shirts i bought at the beginning of last year, and they were huge. tent-like. i was in a women's 1x, and size 18 pants. the more i go through my closet, pulling things and reorganizing, the more disgusted i become with myself. at first, when i began this weight loss thing, i was resentful of boy for even suggesting it. and sometimes even now, when i'm having a hard day or whatever, i get mad at him for being so shallow and making it an issue. but you know what? he was right. i don't want to look 6 months pregnant when i wear certain tops. i don't want to have to shop in the plus size stores. i don't want my face to be a circle. i'm so cute. and i'm not even 30 yet. why am i wasting the incredible body i have under all this fat? especially since i'm never having kids? i have a good 25 years of being totally hot available to me, and i'm letting them to go waste every second i stay fat. and let's not be mistaken here. i don't hate fat people. i am one, and i love myself. i just don't think i belong at this size, for so many reasons. it's just not worth my health and my relationship. and yeah, i'm a girl. i like shopping. being thinner will make it 100% more fun, guaranteed. so here's to goal 1. i plan to be there next week, this time. wish me luck. ETA: i've been on the brink of tears all day, and finally after he left for a funeral a while ago i cried for an hour. i think it's partially because he's been so nasty the past few days, though he's assured me that i'm still his favorite person. i just wish i could make him happy. i keep feeling guilty that i live down here, so far from his work. maybe i'm just sad. maybe it's my period. i had cramps the other day, but nothing else happened. i don't know. i just want to curl up in a ball and stay there. |