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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
disorganized thoughts again.
2011-04-06 @ 12:35 p.m.
this new keyboard. SO happy. still. yesterday, boy got home and we went out to sam's and the grocery store, and applebee's for dinner inbetween (bleh, but it was the only place nearby). it was such a fantastic time. it seems stupid, having such a good time doing boring, domestic things, but we were back to our usual happy selves. sneaky glances, people watching, lots of giggles, and hugs in the aisles. it's probably a combination of the weather improving, his feelings of accomplishment and purpose lately, and his steadily decreasing debt. he's one of those people who doesn't deal with stress well. but whatever the reason, i felt as happy as i have in a couple of months. some months my period is ridiculous, and this is one of them. i think i've had it for weeks now, but since i don't actually have any bleeding anymore, i'm not really sure. all i know is i've felt slightly nauseous, constipated, and bloated since the end of march, and it's really ruining my time. my weight fluctuates ridiculously from day to day, and all i really want is to 1) not have an achey uterus so we can have sex again and 2) lose these last 2 pounds so i can officially be proud of myself. my stupid meal replacements are STILL not here yet, though i got 2 day shipping, but i always forget that the 2 day shipping just means that they'll get here before the end of business on the second day, which could be as late as 7pm. i'm anxious to start and see some results, but i'm also kind of mad at myself for having to resort to this in the first place. i just have terrible willpower. carbs are the death of me. carbs and dessert. i got one of those under 550 calorie meals at applebee's last night, and it was delicious, and the plate was pretty full. it only took me a second to realize that it was so low cal for so much food because the only real carbs present were 1.5 red potatoes. if i could just stop eating bread and pasta and rice so much, i would be done with this weight loss adventure yesterday, but they're so delicious. so here i remain, 203.2lbs, ordering 80 cal meal replacements from the internet to help stop the addiction. completely unrelated, as usual. my mom asked me to come up and house sit for her starting tomorrow, because she and my stepdad are going to florida. i'm only excited to go because i miss the cats so much, but then i'll miss my cats while i'm gone. i'm also slightly concerned about how much being back at my mom's house affects my mood. so much pain and frustration and anger and everything wrapped up in that place. my brother doesn't go back to the places where he used to do drugs, and i don't go back to my mom's house unless i have to. it's just in my best interest. rambling on. i'm just still so elated that i can type again. i was telling boy yesterday that it seems that i'm being pretty ridiculous about this keyboard thing, but i probably never mentioned that i had been halfway through a novel two years ago when i dropped my laptop and my hard drive died, causing me to lose the novel, all of the little notes and scenes i had written for unfinished chapters, and a photobook (book AND photos were lost) chronicling the most important moments of my first quarter century on earth. it was absolutely shattering. so i'm excited to get writing again. (on a different novel, because my broken ass hard drive still sits in a box in my closet for the magical day that i can afford the $5000 data recovery.) most days i feel like i'm wasting this period of being unemployed, like i'm not taking enough advantage of it, so the things that matter most are going to be placed on the front burner. i have to do it. |