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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
a place i left long ago.
2011-04-12 @ 11:27 a.m.
today is the last day at my mom's. we went back home for the weekend, then came back here sunday night so he could leave for work. it's about an hour closer for him, so it worked out well. on one hand i don't mind it so much up here. my mom's house is beautiful and huge, the area is more rural and quiet, and i did miss the cats so much. yesterday i let one of them out on the enclosed deck and he was entranced by something - turns out little birds are building a nest on top of the gutter drainpipe. things like that are and have always been so magical to me. once i was driving to college, it was years ago now, but i looked over when i was stopped at a stoplight and saw a robin yanking a worm out of the ground. i thought it was so cool. so nature. i told a couple people about it and they were like, "why are you telling me this." i guess i just thought more people in the world were more exciting than just beer and work and fucking football, is all. on the other hand, even though it's nice here and my parents are away, it's still their house. it's still full of terrible memories. i'm never fully comfortable. i don't sleep well. boy and i had sex the first night we were here, down in the basement, and it was pretty good but that's only because i was high off my ass. the past few nights i know he wanted to, really badly, and i felt bad for going to bed so early but i just couldn't get in the mood. before he got home i just sat here thinking of how fat i am, how much of a failure i am, how much i wish i was someone else. and i don't normally sit around thinking like that. you have to tear yourself away from unhealthy people and unhealthy situations, and i did that. and i guess going back to them really shows you how much you don't need to be there. i don't need to be here. the last time i came up here was a couple months ago, to get boy's car fixed, and before that, christmas. i need to keep to that schedule before this place rubs off on me. |