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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
why do you hate me so much?
2011-09-30 @ 12:35 p.m.
my high school reunion is coming up in a couple of months (they really waited til the last minute on that one, huh), and i keep seeing posts on the fb page from this guy C who used to be the best friend of my high school ex, B. i guess seeing it unlocked this memory that i had completely forgotten until now. in high school, B was super rude to me. like extremely curt, dismissive, condescending, and i'd even go as far as to say he was hostile at times. he never outwardly said anything to my face, and we did talk and associate often since he was my bf's best friend. but i could always tell that he didn't like me or my best friend D, because he treated both of us similarly: like shit. everyone i knew speculated that it was racism, because they'd "heard" about C, but that didn't account for why he hated D. so it was one day either during or after school, i don't remember. we were in the art room, but i don't remember how we became apart from the others, or if we had just awkwardly found ourselves alone together, but i summoned up all of the courage i had in me to confront him. i remember i asked bluntly, "C, why do you hate me so much?" i remember he scoffed at me at first, and dismissed me again. he said something sarcastic that i don't recall, and started to walk away. i had already gone this far, though, and i wasn't going to let it go, so i stopped him. i remember his face so clearly, full of surprise that i was pushing it, and full of contempt as well. and it was that contempt that i just didn't understand. so i told him that i really wanted to know. why did he treat me like that? and do you know what this fucking guy said to me? "you really want to know why i don't like you guys? because you have no confidence." i was honestly so shocked by that explanation that i didn't really know what to say, so i just said, "what do you mean?" and he said, "for one, just look at you (D and i were both super goth back then, so he thought we looked ridiculous). you girls are really smart. you're both talented, really talented. you're good looking. but," speaking only about me now, "you date these guys who treat you like shit. and yeah, B is my best friend, but he's an asshole. i've known him a long time. but you stay with him." and then i think he went on for a little while about how much of a douche B was (which someone overheard, causing a minor falling out between B and C for a little while), but finished with "you have it all. and you're wasting it." he concluded by saying that he didn't hate either of us, he was just disgusted. by our weakness. by the fact that we were so smart and so capable, and we didn't want anyone to know. and then i remember that after that, C and i were cool, and remain so today. the organizers of the reunion did a shitty job and it's at this shitty bar that everyone who still lives in the area goes to every friday night anyway, so i'm on the fence about going. but i am lightly considering it. i want to go and shake C's hand, and tell him thank you for what he said, even if he may not remember it. and you want to know why else i want to go? because boy and i still look fucking great, we're successful, and we're together. i want B (who has already RSVP'd as definite) to see us there together so i can check out the look on his face. (there was SOOOOOOOOO much drama/love triangle that went on that i don't even have time to explain.) he was a terrible person and i want him to know that i am capable of being happy, especially with the one person he would hate to know i was with.* and i want A, the organizer of the whole thing, to see us together too, because she was the fucking bitch who tried to steal boy away from me even though she knew we were together. now that i'm remembering how much i hated some of these fucking people, i'm really wondering if i should bother going at all. boy did have a point there (he cited hating everyone as the reason he didn't want to go, but would if i really really wanted him to). * B is the cause of so many of my insecurities. he was so shitty to me, talked down to me, told me i was stupid, told me everything. everything was my fault. he cheated on me and was the one who did the breaking up. he later told me he was attracted to me because i was weak, and he was strong. he said it made him feel amazing to be able to manipulate me the way he did - to have the power to build me up or break me down with his words. and though he said those last two things years later, while apologizing, it doesn't change the fact that it's only a Bad Person who treats other people that way, who even thinks about it in the first place. so while i would love to prove him wrong, that i'm not "damaged" as he so often demanded i was, i am afraid to see him again. because i still don't know for sure that he was wrong about that part. |