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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
communication iii, and the secret.
2011-11-18 @ 12:09 p.m.
i started writing this on tuesday, but so much was going on between then and now that i couldn't find time to finish it until this morning. this will be long. from tuesday morning, 11:20am: what a totally shitty, fucked up weekend. boy had veteran's day off, but we had to spend it up at my mom's house. i thought she and my stepdad were going to be gone, but no, they were still there, which made the work that had to be done miserable. saturday, i was cramping like crazy and we were supposed to run out for two things but it turned into an entire day. we got some games that we want to play together, but one was online multiplayer only, so that's going back. sunday, we were happy to have a whole unstructured day ahead of us, but boy was just stuck being miserable. he didn't know what he wanted to do, but it kept getting taken out on me. everything. immediately upon getting up: i want to DO something. me: okay, what do you want to do? him: i don't know, just something. so i give him a list of suggestions, he can't pick anything, and then it's back to being crabby, still with nothing to do. he said, i want breakfast. okay. usually i make waffles and we'll pick some kind of meat to go with it. but no. he didn't want that. "i want something exciting and different." okay. so i made up something: sweet potato spice muffins with a streusel topping and homemade whipped maple brown sugar butter. how awesome does that sound? well they were. they came out amazingly, but he didn't have a whole lot to say about them, which hurt my feelings. he really liked them, but didn't say so. what really annoyed the shit out of me too, was the fact that after breakfast was over, we go back downstairs and he says, "wow, we wasted so much time." i said what the hell!? you wanted some kind of crazy exotic breakfast; it takes time to make it! "well, that's not what i meant." okay, what did you mean? "i don't know." then as the day progressed, we kept running into the same problem. he had an attitude all day, so when i copped one back (because how long can you sit around all day with someone who's in a shitty mood without it becoming your shitty mood as well?) suddenly he was mr. nice guy and was so confused. "what's wrong with you? why are you in a bad mood?" um, YOU! you have a shitty attitude! so then it became nighttime, and the eternal fight began. he fell asleep the moment he finished dinner, and i tried to wake him up because he said he doesn't want to fall asleep on the couch. i tried to wake him up, i get a face full of shit. repeat. usually this goes on for 2-3 hours until i can get him to physically stand up to go to bed. but that night, i had really just had enough of it. you get to a point where you just break sometimes. i had the stress of MY life going on. i had the stress that he was radiating in the house. then i had the stress of no matter what i tried to do to make him happy, it wasn't enough. he wanted impossible things. "i want to do something today, but i don't want to go anywhere." "i want something different and exciting to eat, but i don't want it to take any time." "i don't want to fall asleep on the couch, but you're not allowed to wake me up when you see me passed out." i never yell, but my voice was definitely raised. "what do you want from me!?? tell me what you want me to do!" i was so frustrated. the pot had been close to boiling for several weeks, and it was beyond the point of getting turned back down. he kept shrugging it off as just being an indecisive guy. but when it was time to wake him up that night, i just freaked out. i woke him, he gave me attitude, he fell back asleep. we were supposed to be watching this movie that he said he wanted to see, but he was asleep. so i woke him again. he gave me even more attitude. i suggested we go downstairs to watch it instead, where he would not pass out. he snapped at me to leave him alone. finally, i said, "what the fuck. you said you wanted to watch this movie and you're asleep. so let's either go downstairs to finish it or watch it tomorrow." then he has the nerve to yell at me and say, "so what the fuck, i can never watch a movie? we can't watch movies here anymore?" and to that, i said, "apparently not, because every fucking time we try to watch one, you fall asleep!!" and he gave me some more bullshit yelling about it, but i was just like seriously man? i've had enough. we went downstairs to smoke a short while before bed, but i was 100% riled up. there was too much weighing on me. when he came back in from smoking a cigarette, i said, "i just want you to tell me what the fuck you want me to do, and i want you to stop yelling at me when i do what you told me to." and he was like, what? i never yell at you. and i said, listen. you told me not to let you sleep on the couch, so every single night when i wake you up, i get a shitty fucking attitude, and rude comments. i'm tired of you making me feel like an asshole for doing what you say. so he said he never wants to make me feel like an asshole, and i'm doing everything right. so at that, i just didn't know what to do or say. i'm doing everything right? really? because i'm sitting here next to you, we haven't had sex since i wrote about it last, which was october, and i'm really just perplexed about why i'm sitting here feeling this way. i couldn't even hold it in anymore, so i just got up and went upstairs so i could cry. i thought i could keep it together, just let a few out and then go back downstairs like nothing happened. but i couldn't, and it turned into full, body-wracking tears, so i ran out of that bathroom and went to my own so he wouldn't come upstairs and hear me. when i went back to the basement, he knew, but he just said, "what's wrong with you?" and i said nothing, and this time he just kept turning to look at me, just staring at the side of my face. i looked right at him and said, "i'm fine." and left it at that. the next morning, yesterday morning, i decided. i woke up and decided that i was going to text him and tell him how frustrated i was. so i sent this:
my stress level went down 50% after i sent that. i went to my mom's to do what i had to, and he called me as i was driving home. we chatted casually about dinner, then he said, "do you want me to talk to you now or when you get home?" and i told him whenever was fine. he said that he was being so weird lately because he was depressed. he's unhappy at work, he feels like he's never going to climb out of the mountain of debt, and our relationship wasn't exactly what he wanted it to be. he then said that the reason that he wasn't more cuddly and physically affectionate was because he was afraid i would stop working out and i would stop caring about fitness because i would think that he was okay with my weight as it was, and that he didn't care if i lost any more. i responded that i know he wants me to continue in my fitness endeavors, and that i have no intention of stopping. i told him that the weight loss has become something that i am no longer doing because he wants me to do it, but instead, because i want to do it. i love my body now. i love the way clothes fit, and i have rediscovered how fun shopping can be. i want to lose the rest of the weight (and though i didn't say this to him, my early new year's resolution is to make my abs show by this time next year! and i know this is really really ambitious, and i will keep this goal completely to myself, but i might attempt to compete in a bodybuilding competition when my bodyfat is where i want it.). anyway. i continued that i have no intention of stopping, and that it's something that just takes time, as he knows. he said he did know, and he's really proud of me, and that i do look amazing. and that i seem like a completely different person. in fact, if he met past me and current me at the same time, he wouldn't even want to talk to past me. everything from my manner to my style to my hair has changed for the better. so i interrupted him to say, then, if you think i'm doing such a great job and everything, i need to know that. tell me i look nice sometimes. he said that he was afraid to compliment me too much lest i get complacent. i told him i need my back patted every now and then, you know? and he said yeah, now that he said it out loud, that [his reasoning] seemed pretty stupid. then, he said, but tried to cover it up (men can never just be sensitive and tell you what they mean outright), that he couldn't imagine how he'd live without me. then when he realized how ridiculously romantic that sounded, he said, "no, i mean i'll never feel this way about anyone again. i know i'll never get this lucky twice. i'll never find what we have in another person." he said everything about our relationship is perfect, except the physical part. and that's when i started to tear up, because i said it doesn't need to be this way. i said, you know, the only times i've felt discouraged and not wanted to continue working out are the times that i've felt sad and lonely and unnoticed, like now. all i want is some help, some support, some positive reinforcement. i said i've literally been starving myself for over a year (don't get worried, guys, i'm not starving in the sense of wasting away, i'm using it in the literal sense of being deprived), and that's psychologically taxing enough, but being starved of affection is too much. i said, "i couldn't figure out why i've been feeling so down, and it was like this puzzle piece that i knew was missing but i couldn't find where it came from. and i just can't do it anymore." he told me i wasn't going to get rid of him that easily, and i told him that's the problem: i don't want to! but i need more. i need support. i said, "i'm not a needy woman, but i need to know that you're with me." and he said, which finally caused me to fully start crying, "[tinea], i'll be with you until you don't want me anymore," and i told him, "i'll always want you." so that's when he laughed and said remarked how silly this has been, and said, "and much to my surprise and chagrin, i realized that the reason i've been so unhappy is ... my own fault." i did have to laugh at that, too, because all of this tension and stress has been completely pointless. he wrapped up our phone conversation by telling me that i could talk to him anytime, about anything, as i know, and that he appreciated me bringing this up because it's been bothering him as well. he said the best thing about our relationship is the fact that we communicate so well, and that we actually listen to each other instead of just resorting immediately to yelling. this is where i had to stop and restart because of all the activity this week. i wrote the rest of this today. as soon as i was off the phone with him, i broke down completely and sobbed my way down the highway and home. he made it in just seconds after i did, and i went to open the door for him to find him standing there with a rose. he hugged me forever, and i thanked him for the flower, when he corrected me: "no, there are two of them. i wanted to get you two." so after that, we watched the secret, which i was so inspired and excited by, because it's pretty much my entire philosophy toward life and the universe put together in one place. boy loved it too, and went in to work the next day with the best attitude ever. i would have loved to celebrate our newly strengthened and reinforced bond with some awesome sexing, but i have been FAR too busy this week (and i have my period, ugh). why have i been so busy this week? because best friend and i met with the head chef of a local restaurant, had a tasting, and will be selling our baked goods!! we're not even trained, we're just two former fat girls who know what's delicious. this is so fucking exciting, and now that i've seen the secret, it only makes me more confident and sure of the power of positive thought. this is all i've ever wanted for so long, to be validated for my cooking, and here it is! even more awesomely, best friend took the rest of our stuff to work and told the story of our meeting to some co-workers. one of them came back and told her that the restaurant their daughter works in is looking for a pastry chef, or someone to handle their desserts, and that she'd pass along our info. holy yes! so since i'm not working, i'm handling the financials, the price points, and our soon to be website. i brought home pieces of everything we made and took professional pictures with my macro lens (the link is just in case anyone else loves photography as much as me; the tamron lens is a very affordable alternative to a proprietary macro lens). nice, clean, white plate. it looks great so far, and this is such an amazing opportunity. i wish i could say more, but anonymity is a bitch. so on top of these amazing developments in my relationship, and my life, boy comes home yesterday and says, "i've got a story about the power of positive thinking." so he tells me that since we watched the secret he's been driving to work every day telling himself how good he is at his job, how much he likes it, and how he will do the best job he can, every day, and his hard work will eventually pay off, landing him a foreman position. don't you know that yesterday, his boss came up to him and started telling him how great of a job he's been doing. he started saying something else, but he got called away for something. as boy is driving home, his boss texts him, "you're locked in." and boy is like, huh? and boss texts him back that he thinks he's doing a great job and is going to send him in to manage this job that's 15 minutes from home. he said the other guy is a bitch who complains too much, and he knows he's going to jerk off and waste time down there. his last text said, "you're in, kid." this is all that boy has ever wanted. he hated his old boss because he refused to just tell him he'd have a job. he refused to validate all of his hard work, and instead kept boy in this state of constant worry and uncertainty about his life, on top of making him work 3x as hard as any other company would. he was telling me how relieved he was, and i told him that i knew. i can see the difference in him, in his mood, in his energy levels. we discussed how delightful it is that all you need to tell you if you're doing the right thing is your gut feeling. if you follow your heart, and you feel really positive about something, you know you're making the right decision. so life is good. life is good if you want it to be. if you're good and true and you do what you think is right. if you let go of your fear, and doubt, and apprehension, and do what your heart tells you. it will all come together. it will all come full circle. i believe this, and i am happy. |